Collage 072               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

This stuff's been POURING in! (And I'm not keeping up with it
very well, so if you've sent me something recently and haven't
seen it yet, be patient ...)

Many thanks to Sandor for "Engineering Problem Solving," and to
the ever-prolific Lorraine for "Dieter's Prayer," the "Best Raisin
Nut Cake Ever," and "The World According to Kids." (This last one
is a must-read!)

It's Collage 72, and it's in your mailbox as we speak!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Engineering Problem Solving

A software engineer, a hardware engineer, and a departmental manager
were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving
down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car
failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road,
bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a
halt by scraping along the mountainside.

The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they
were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes.

"I know," said the departmental manager. "Let's have a meeting,
propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals,
and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the
Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no," said the hardware engineer, "that will take far too long,
and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss
Army knife: in no time at all I can strip down the braking system,
isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

"Wait a second," said the software engineer, "before we do anything,
we need to push the car back up to the top of the mountain and see
if it happens again."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

DIETER'S PRAYER

The Lord is my shepherd. He maketh me lie down and do press-ups.
He giveth me sodium-free bread. He restoreth my waistline. And
leadeth me past the fridge and biscuit tin for my own sake.

He maketh me partake of green beans, cabbage and cauliflower
... instead of Pot Noodles and Pies. He leadeth me past the chip
shop and doughnut stalls. Yea, though I pass through the toffee
shop, I shall not be tempted. For thou art with me.

Thou preparest a diet in the face of my enemies. Thou anointest my
salad with low-cal dressing. My cup shall not overflow. Surely
wholemeal bread chocolate or anything fattening. And I will endure
the pains of hunger for ever and ever. Amen.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Best Raisin Nut Cake Ever

1 c. margarine               1 tsp. baking soda
1 c. sugar                   1 c. brown sugar
6 lg. eggs                   1 lb. mixed nuts
1 tsp. baking powder         1 or 2 qt. good brandy
1 c. raisins

First, sample the brandy. Good, isn't it?  Now start. Select a
large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the brandy again, as
it must be just right. To be sure the brandy is of the highest
quality, pour 1 level cup into a glass and drink as fast as you can.
Repeat.

With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup margarine in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the
brandy is the finest quality. Cry another cup. Open second quart
if nethethary. Add 2 arge leggs, 2 cups fried raisins, and beat
until high. If naisins gets stuck in beaters, just pry it loos with
a drewscriver.

Sample the brandy again to tonsicsticity. Nex sift two cups of salt
or anything. Id doesn't really madder. Sample the brandy again.
Add one hablespoon of brown thugar, or whatever color you can find
and vix mell. Grease roven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Now
pour the whole mess into roven and ake. Check the brandy again and
go to bed.

- The Happy Cook

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The World According to Kids ...

THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS:

Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.

Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.

The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man
think.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.

The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.

To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out,
and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.

The process of turning steam back into water again is called
conversation.

A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.

The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.

To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a
condominium.

To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test
tube.

Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.

Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are
talking about.

Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.

A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow
instead of the bull.

An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that
gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.

We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous
generation and study of rocks.

English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his
corpse.

By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired
sheep.

If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of
adolescence.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes
them perspire.

Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual
manufactures another individual by accident.

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene
triangle.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so
often in the winter.

The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.

When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.

It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.

Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes
have more convulsions.

For fainting:  rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm
above the hand instead.

For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back
and forth.

For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not
recovered, then kill it.

For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.

For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to
make artificial perspiration.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in
your throat.

For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket
for shock.

For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is
dead.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is
affirmative or negative.

Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east
and west poles.

When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long
ago in wintertime.

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

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