Collage 073               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

And so it came to pass that I was listening to radio--again (I
really have to stop this practice). Anyway, it seems that a couple
of students at some university in New York State sued the school
because--are you ready for this?--the math in their introductory
computer science course was too difficult.

Huh?

Here's the really scary part: they won--something like $14,000.
(Well, it's finally true: you *can* get money just for being
stupid. Hey, at least now there's hope for the rest of us.)

I'm sure many of us will want to find out what is the statute of
limitations cases like this ...

And so we come to Collage 73--another Lorraine exclusive. (Thank
you, Lorraine!)

Happy reading. And if you can't read it, then sue your high school
English teacher.

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Rules For Hotel Guests

1. Please treat our chambermaids as if they were your own sisters.

2. No shooting will be permitted in the rooms. If the bed bugs
   annoy you, cut their heads off.

3. Don't use the gas for committing suicide. A rope is provided
   for that purpose.

4. Please do not stick hatpins through keyholes. A man lost his eye
   that way last year.

5. Divorcees will leave pictures of ex-husbands at the desk for
   identification. No more than six photographs permitted.

6. Guests are not permitted to invite their brothers to take baths
   in their rooms.

7. Guests occupying adjoining rooms will kindly call the house
   detective to act as chaperone if they wish to make social visits
        after 1:00 am.

8. It is strictly forbidden to use bed sheets as towels.

9. Guests who walk in their sleep should have their room numbers on
   cards in their pajamas.

10. Please don't forget the name under which you registered.

11. Guests are warned against playing strip poker on Monday. We test our
    fire-alarm bells on that day.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ:  A Grandchild's Guide to Using Grandpa's Computer
(As Written By Dr. Seuss)

Bits. Bytes. Chips. Clocks.
Bits in bytes on chips in box.
Bytes with bits and chips with clocks.
Chips in box on ether-docks.

Chips with bits come.  Chips with bytes come.
Chips with bits and bytes and clocks come.

Look, sir.  Look, sir.  Read the book, sir.
Let's do tricks with bits and bytes, sir.
Let's do tricks with chips and clocks, sir.

First, I'll make a quick trick bit stack.
Then I'll make a quick trick byte stack.
You can make a quick trick chip stack.
You can make a quick trick clock stack.

And here's a new trick on the scene.
Bits in bytes for your machine.
Bytes in words to fill your screen.
Now we come to ticks and tocks, sir.
Try to say this by the clock, sir.

Clocks on chips tick.
Clocks on chips tock.
Eight byte bits tick.
Eight bit bytes tock.
Clocks on chips with eight bit bytes tick
Chips with clocks and eight byte bits tock.

Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash.

You can't say this?  What a shame, sir!
We'll find you another game, sir.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to ram your ROM.
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!

-- Gene Ziegler

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: 101 Easy Ways To Say No

I'd love to, but...

1   I have to floss my cat.
2   I've dedicated my life to linguini.
3   I want to spend more time with my blender.
4   the President said he might drop in.
5   the man on television told me to say tuned.
6   I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
7   I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
8   it's my parakeet's bowling night.
9   it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
10   I'm building a pig from a kit.
11   I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
12   I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
13   there's a disturbance in the Force.
14   I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
15   I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
16   I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
17   I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
18   I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.
19   I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
20   my crayons all melted together.
21   I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
22   I'm in training to be a household pest.
23   I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
24   my patent is pending.
25   I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
26   I'm sandblasting my oven.
27   I'm worried about my vertical hold.
28   I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
29   I'm being deported.
30   the grunion are running.
31   I'll be looking for a parking space.
32   my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
33   the monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
34   I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
35   I have to fluff my shower cap.
36   I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
37   I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
38   I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
39   my plot to take over the world is thickening.
40   I have to fulfill my potential.
41   I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
42   it's too close to the turn of the century.
43   I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
44   my subconscious says no.
45   I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
46   I left my body in my other clothes.
47   the last time I went, I never came back.
48   I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
49   I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
50   none of my socks match.
51   I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
52   I'm having all my plants neutered.
53   people are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
54   I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
55   I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My
Refrigerator."
56   I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
57   my yucca plant is feeling yucky.
58   I'm touring China with a wok band.
59   my chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
60   I never go out on days that end in "Y."
61   my mother would never let me hear the end of it.
62   I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named
Basil Metabolism.
63   I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put
it down.
64   I'm too old/young for that stuff.
65   I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
66   I have too much guilt.
67   there are important world issues that need worrying about.
68   I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
69   I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
70   I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
71   I feel a song coming on.
72   I'm trying to be less popular.
73   my bathroom tiles need grouting.
74   I have to bleach my hare.
75   I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
76   I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
77   you know how we psychos are.
78   my favorite commercial is on TV.
79   I have to study for a blood test.
80   I'm going to be old someday.
81   I've been traded to Cincinnati.
82   I'm observing National Apathy Week.
83   I have to rotate my crops.
84   my uncle escaped again.
85   I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
86   I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
87   I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
88   I have to go to court for kitty littering.
89   I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
90   I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
91   having fun gives me prickly heat.
92   I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking
for me.
93   I have to jog my memory.
94   my palm reader advised against it.
95   my Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
96   I have to stay home and see if I snore.
97   I prefer to remain an enigma.
98   I think you want the OTHER  [your name]  .
99   I have to sit up with a sick ant.
100   I'm trying to cut down.
101   ... well, maybe.

********************************************************************
 Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************

"HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail
list server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more information
on Lyris, see <http://www.lyris.com/>.

To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following
command to <lyris@lyris.net>:

subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country

where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems,
then either (1) send any message to <HumourNet-info@lyris.net> for
a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web
interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>, or (3) send a *detailed*
description of the problem to <Listmom@telephonet.com>.

To unsubscribe, visit our Web interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>
or refer to your Welcome message for detailed instructions.

For instructions on contributing to HumourNet, send any message to
<contribution-guidelines@lyris.net>.

>>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors,
not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the
text wherever possible. <<<

The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP:

    Web: <http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/>
    FTP: <ftp://ftp.humournet.com/pub/HumourNet/Collage.Archives/>

Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that
1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line
containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer,
and 2) no fee is charged.

There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a
copy of them, send any message to <posting-guidelines@lyris.net>, or
refer to your Welcome message.

********************************************************************
    "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
********************************************************************
</collage073>