Collage 074               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

Would someone care to explain to me why McDonald's has signs on
the doors that read, "Braille Menus Available"? These are for, uh,
*blind* people, right? So, HOW ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT
BRAILLE MENUS ARE AVAILABLE?

Okay, forget it, it was just a rhetorical question, anyway.

(For the PCers in the crowd, "blind" people are really just
"visually impaired." And not a single one of them was offended by my
use of the term "blind," because (1) they won't be able to see any
better, no matter WHAT we call them, and (2) they don't read e-mail,
anyway.)

At any rate, here is the 74th edition in the Collage series (that's
Collage 74 for you fine-arts majors), contributed in its entirety by
the (still) ever-prolific Lorraine.

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Seminars for Men

1.  Combating stupidity.
2.  You can do housework too.
3.  PMS--learning to keep your mouth shut.
4.  How to fill an ice tray.
5.  Why a vacuum cleaner is not an appropriate Xmas gift.
6.  Understanding the female response to your arriving home drunk
	at 3 a.m.
7.  Laundry techniques 101:  Don't wash my silk.
8.  Laundry techniques 201:  Invention of the clothes hamper.
9.  Life 101:  Learn to feed yourself.
10.  How to not act like an asshole when you're obviously wrong.
11.  You: The weaker sex.
12.  Reasons to give flowers.
13.  Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the
	washroom.
14.  How to stay awake after sex.
15.  You CAN fall asleep without it.
16.  Garbage:  Getting it to the curb.
17a. Bathroom Skills 101:  Marksmanship
17b. Bathroom Skills 102:  Putting down the toilet seat.
18.  Gimme a break:  Why we know your excuses are bullshit.
19.  The weekend was not created to facilitate sporting events.
20.  How to shop with your mate and NOT get lost.
21.  The Remote Control:  Overcoming your dependency.
22.  Romanticism 101:  Other ideas besides insertion.
23.  Changing your underwear ... it really works.
24.  You too can act as designated driver.
25.  Reading directions:  Doing things right the first time starts
	here.
26.  Bodily noises ... it's not a contest.
27.  The Male Ego ... God's little joke.
28.  Fluffing the blanket after farting ... it's really not necessary.
29.  When naked, you do NOT look like Denzel Washington.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

The following is a copy of an actual card handed out to Senate
offices by the United States Capitol Police in case we receive a
bomb threat over the telephone.  We couldn't help but chuckle about
how we were gonna get some of these questions answered from someone
calling in a bomb threat:

QUESTIONS TO ASK:

1. When is the bomb going to explode?

2. Where is it right now?

3. What does it look like?

4. What kind of bomb is it?

5. What will cause it to explode?

6. Did you place the bomb?

7. Why?

8. What is your address?

9. What is your name?

EXACT WORDING OF THE THREAT:

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

Sex of caller: _______________ Race: ___________

Age: _______________ Length of call: ___________

Number at which call is received:

________________________________________________

Time: _______________ Date: ______/______/______

CALLER'S VOICE:

_____ Calm               _____ Nasal
_____ Angry              _____ Stutter
_____ Excited            _____ Lisp
_____ Slow               _____ Raspy
_____ Rapid              _____ Deep
_____ Soft               _____ Ragged
_____ Loud               _____ Clearing throat
_____ Laughter           _____ Deep breathing
_____ Crying             _____ Cracking voice
_____ Normal             _____ Disguised
_____ Distinct           _____ Accent
_____ Slurred            _____ Familiar

If voice is familiar, whom did it sound like?

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

BACKGROUND SOUNDS:

_____ Street             _____ Factory
       noises                   machinery
_____ Crockery           _____ Animal noises
_____ Voices             _____ Clear
_____ PA System          _____ Static
_____ Music              _____ Local
_____ House              _____ Long distance
       noises            _____ Booth
_____ Motor              Other _________________
_____ Office             _______________________
       machinery         _______________________

THREAT LANGUAGE:

_____ Well spoken        _____ Incoherent
       (educated)        _____ Taped
_____ Foul               _____ Message read
_____ Irrational               by threat maker

REMARKS: _______________________________________

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

Report Call immediately to:

  CAPITOL POLICE COMMUNICATIONS

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Well, God and Adam were walking in the garden, and God was was
really excited about his creation.

And while God was walking around bragging, he finally noticed that
Adam wasn't as excited as he--so he asked Adam what was wrong, and
Adam said, "Well look God, I mean, I really like being alive and all,
and the garden is cool, but all the other animals have mates. The cows
have their mates and the horses have theirs, but I only have myself."

So God said..."Well, have I got a deal for you Adam. I 'll make you
a mate that will darn your socks, wash your clothes, and be there at
your beck and call."

And Adam said, "Wow! How much will it cost me, God?"
God said "It'll cost you and arm and a leg."
Adam said, "Ooooh, man, I dunno ... What can I get for a rib?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given
by the California Department of Transportation's driving school
(read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way
stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker
saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing
your car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shitfaced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk
driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no
longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light
and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

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