Collage 075               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

Welcome to Collage 75--another complete Collage from the annals
of the STILL ever-prolific Lorraine--thanks, Lorraine!

PLEASE NOTE: If you are a college student, and will be losing
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Enjoy the laughs!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

There were two musicians who were about to face the firing squad
down in South America.  One was a country musician, and the other
was a jazz musician.  They were asked for their last requests.  The
country musician said, "I'd love to hear eight refrains from
'Achey-Breaky Heart' before I die." The officer in charge of the
firing squad said, "Sure thing, we can do that," and he turned to
the jazz musician and asked him for his last request.  The jazz
musician replied "kill me first."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

There was this family who was going on a vacation and as they were
driving through a small town the father spotted a large sporting
goods store.  Since he needed a break he stopped and went in to
shop.  He noticed that it was a wonderful large store with lots of
fishing and hunting stuff and also noticed that the proprietor was
blind.  He asked the man how he could manage such a large store and
not be able to see.  The man replied that he'd been in the business
for 20 years and knew every inch of the store and really didn't
have any problems.  Several minutes later the man completed his
shopping and presented his items to the store manager.  The manager
rang them up and said that it totaled $37.18.  As the customer was
removing his wallet from his back pocket he noticed that he'd
dropped several coins on the floor.  As he bent over to pick up the
change he passed gas.  As he stood up he was grateful to notice
that the store was empty and he figured that the blind man at least
couldn't see his embarrassment.  So he cleared his throat and asked
again how much he owed.  The Propietor answered him saying $51.23.
The customer was confused and said he thought the figure had been
in the mid thirties.  The store owner replied, "Well that was
before you picked up the duck call and the stink bait."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Jim Fynn, the noted biologist, was stumped. He'd spent months
studying the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp. The population,
despite all efforts at predator control, was declining at an
alarming rate. Finally Finn went to the chemistry department
at his college to see if anyone there might be able to help.
Tom Trom looked into the problem, and came up with a
solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change
in the swamp's water, and simply couldn't stay coupled long
enough to reproduce. Trom brewed up a new adhesive, made from a dash
of this, a zoss of that, and most critically, one part of
sodium.

"You mean ... ?" Jim said when told.
"Yes," said Tom, "They need mono-sodium glue to mate."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: You Really Don't Wanna Know ...

* what they mean by "chicken parts" on the list of ingredients in
  hot dogs
* what the "other" is in "palm, soybean, lard, or other oils"
* what salad bars were like before "sneeze guards"
* how "aged" your steak really is
* how somebody found out that licking frogs (and only a very
  specific species of frog) had hallucinogenic effects
* how many inferior red food-coloring agents were used before
  chemists stumbled on an extract from the Guatemalan banana beetle
* that "monosodium glutamate" is actually worse than it sounds
* what the sources are for all those ingredients in multi-vitamin
  tablets
* how the heck hamburger gets contaminated with e-coli bacteria
  in the first place!
* what other techniques were tried before early cheese makers
  discovered that the scrapings from the inside of a calf's stomach
  would curdle milk
* what kind of animal a "salisbury" is
* why with all the folds, cracks, crevices, and layers on a head
  of lettuce that you never find even the smallest bug or worm
* why the "Ground Fresh Today" sticker on the package of
  hamburger meat doesn't have a date stamp. And the one that says
  "Ground Fresh Monday," doesn't say which Monday.
* why the Department of Agriculture had to set a limit of "four
  and one-half gnats or parts thereof" in a 16 ounce jar of apple
  sauce
* if "You can't believe it's not butter!" then what is it really?

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

A young woman in a REALLY skimpy skirt is at the bus stop.  When the
bus arrives and the doors open she tries to climb the steps, but to
no avail--her skirt is too tight and her legs can't move. So she
reaches behind her and undoes her zipper.

She tries to step up again, and still can't, so she reaches behind
again and plays with the zipper.  She tries to climb the steps
again...still no joy.  So as she's reaching behind again, a pair of
strong hands picks her up and places her on the top step.

"What do you think you're doing?" she asks the guy behind her.

"Well," he responds, "I figured the second time you undid my fly we
were at least good friends!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Signature lines
(Some of this stuff is repeated from previous Collages,
but much of it is original.)

* Be nice to your kids.  They'll be choosing your nursing home.
* It's hard not to meet expenses; they're everywhere.
* Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where.
* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
* 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
* Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
* Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
* Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
* ...Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
* A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
* For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
* I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
* The beatings will continue until morale improves.
* I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
* Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
* Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change.
* Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
* I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
* A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
* I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
* If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
* Diplomacy--the art of letting someone have your way.
* If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
* If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
* Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
* Do witches run spell checkers?
* Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
* Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd.  All wights wesewved.
* Dain bramaged.
* Department of Redundancy Department
* Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
* Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
* COFFEE.EXE Missing--Insert Cup and Press Any Key
* (I'd like to know where the key labeled "Any" is.)
* 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
* Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
* Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
* My software never has bugs.  It just develops random features.
* C:\DOS   C:\DOS\RUN   RUN\DOS\RUN
* <-------- The information went data way -------->
* The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
* BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
* The name is Baud......, James Baud.
* BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
* Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
* C:\ > Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
* Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
* Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
* As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
* Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
* E Pluribus Modem
* ... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
* Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
* A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
* An error?  Impossible!  My modem is error correcting.
* CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted:  Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
* Does fuzzy logic tickle?
* A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
* 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
* Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
* SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
* Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
* Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
* Help Wanted: Telepath.  You know where to apply.
* Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
* Car service:  If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
* Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
* RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
* Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
* All computers wait at the same speed.
* Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
* Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
* ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
* E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
* Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
* All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
* Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
* Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
* Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

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