Collage 077               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

Welcome to Collage 77, which contains some pretty good stuff.
This issue's contributors are:

Mike: "Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide,"
Nancy: "Boys Just Want to Have Guns," and the UU Joke (sorry, I
   couldn't come up with an appropriate SUBJ: line for it), and
Lorraine: "Poor Excuses."

Thanks for the *great* material!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide!

THE INVISIBLE KILLER

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills
uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are
caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen
monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes
severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive
sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea,
vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become
dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

  Dihydrogen monoxide:
  * is also known as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid
    rain.
  * contributes to the "greenhouse effect."
  * may cause severe burns.
  * contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
  * accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
  * may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of
    automobile brakes.
  * has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients

CONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every
stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is
global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO
has caused millions of dollars of property damage in the midwest, and
recently California.

  Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:
  * as an industrial solvent and coolant.
  * in nuclear power plants.
  * in the production of styrofoam.
  * as a fire retardant.
  * in many forms of cruel animal research.
  * in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce
    remains contaminated by this chemical.
  * as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products.

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can
be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact
on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED!

The American government has refused to ban the production,
distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its "importance
to the economic health of this nation." In fact, the navy and other
military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and
designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it
during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities
receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground
distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.

IT'S NOT TOO LATE!

Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this
dangerous chemical. What you don't know can hurt you and others
throughout the world. Send email to no_dhmo@circus.com, or a SASE to:

Coalition to Ban DHMO
211 Pearl St.
Santa Cruz CA, 9506

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

"Boys Just Want to Have Guns"
(To the tune of "Girls Just Want to Have Fun")

We're big and burly guys!
We get our big kicks ripping wings off of flies.
But can you guess what else we do for our fun?
We like to play with our guns, oh,
Boys just wanna have guns.

I met a girl, she said, "You wanna play?"
That night I had a meeting of the NRA!
I said to her, "Let's play some other night, hon."
I'd rather play with my gun, oh,
Boys just wanna have...

That's all we really want --
Some guns!
There ain't no comparison.
I'd trade my girl for a gun, oh,
Boys just wanna have...

Boys..they wanna...
Wanna have long...guns...
Wanna have strong...guns...
Right or wrong...guns...
All night long...guns!

So here I am knee-deep in muck,
I'm locked in mortal combat with a rabbit or duck,
My girlfriend left me, yes, she now is a nun,
'Cause boys just wanna have guns, oh,
Boys just wanna have...

We just wanna,
We just wanna,
We just wanna,
We'll blow you to oblivion,
We'll blow you all to kingdom come.
Don't mess around with our guns!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

During a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed in shouting,
"The building is on fire!"

The METHODISTS gathered in a corner and prayed.
The BAPTISTS cried, "Where is the water?"
The CHURCH OF CHRIST called a meeting to determine if fire was
    scriptural.
The QUAKERS silently praised God for the blessings that fire brings.
The LUTHERANS nailed a notice on the door declaring that the fire was
    evil.
The ROMAN CATHOLICS passed a collection plate to cover the damage.
THE CONGREGATIONALISTS shouted, "Every man for himself!"
The FUNDAMENTALISTS proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of God!  Darn, it
    looks like it's a post-trib rapture."
The EPISCOPALIANS formed a procession and walked out.
The CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS concluded that there was no fire.
The PRESBYTERIANS formed a committee and appointed a chair person to
    look into the matter and submit a written report in two years.
The UNITARIANS called the fire department.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Poor Excuses ...

        These are (supposedly) actual excuse notes
         from parents (including actual spelling)

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today.
Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent.  She was sick and I had her
shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30,
31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.  Yesterday he fell
out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his
face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was
hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered
by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school.  He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had
---diahre---
---dyrea--- ---direathe--- the shits.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and
his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being.  It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because
I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to
get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we
thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday.  We have to attend her
funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent
a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and
could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with
gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore
throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever
and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all
over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must
be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

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