Collage 078               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

Well, I've received my first anonymous contribution: the "New
Politically-Correct Phrases." (Under the circumstances, I can
understand why this one was submitted anonymously.)

The "Prize Pig" and "Absurd Warning Labels" are credited to (who
else?) Lorraine.

And it's all archived as Collage 78--enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: New Politically-Correct Phrases

OLD PHRASE			NEW PHRASE
----------------		------------------------------------
No fucking way			I'm not certain this is feasible
You're shitten' me		Really
Tell someone who gives a shit	Perhaps you should check with ...
Ask me if I give a shit		Why, of course I'm concerned
What the fuck?			I don't understand
Fuck it, it won't work		I'm not sure I can implement this
He's got his head up his ass	They're not familiar with the problem
Who fucking cares?		Are you sure it's a problem?
Kiss my ass			So you'd like my help with it?
Fuck it, I'm on salary		I'm a bit overloaded right now
Shove it up your ass		I don't think you understand
This job sucks			I love a challenge
Who died and made you boss?	You want me to take care of this?
Blow me				I see
Go blow yourself		Do you see?
Another fucking meeting		Yes, we need to discuss this
I really don't give a shit	I don't think it's a problem
He's fucking retarded		They're a bit confused
Eat shit			You don't say!
Eat shit and die		Excuse me?
Eat shit and die, motherfucker	Excuse me, sir?

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Prize Pig

A traveling salesman is driving down a dirt road one day, when his
engine just stops running and he finds himself stranded.

After looking around in all directions, he spots a small farm, just
across the field from where his car has come to rest.  After
grabbing his suitcase and his case of wares, he heads off across the
field toward the farm house.  Finally, he reaches the farm, and the
first thing he notices is a pig running around the barn yard with
one wooden leg.  Well, he finds it quite odd that someone, especially
a farmer, would take the time to fit a pig with a wooden leg.  Just
then the salesman hears a noise coming from the barn and goes to
investigate.  There he finds the farmer working on his truck.
"Good day sir," says the farmer, "And what can I do for you today?"

"Well, you see my car has broken down just the other side of that
field and I have no way of repairing it," replies the salesman, "Do
you think you could look at it for me?"

The farmer tells him that he can fix the car right after lunch, and
goes back to fixing his truck.

"By the way, I couldn't help noticing on the way in here that you've
got a pig with a wooden leg," says the salesman, "What's the story
behind that?"

The farmer hesitated for a moment, then, wiping his greasy hands on
an old rag, he came out from under the hood of his truck, and the
salesman noticed a tear in the farmers eye.

"That's one pretty special pig mister," the farmer began, "It
happened about three years ago now.  It was late one night, about
mid summer, when I woke to the sound of the animals, they were all
squealing and yiping as loud as they could.  When I come to see why,
that's when I noticed my barn was burning down.  Well, I started
trying to get the fire out when a beam fell across my head and
knocked me out cold.  When I came to, that pig was dragging me to
safety."

"Oh I see," said the salesman, "And that's how he lost his leg then,
trying to drag you to safety?"

"Well, not exactly," said the farmer, again tears welling in his
eyes, "like I said before, that's one special pig."

"Well then I don't understand," the salesman replied, "how did the
pig end up with a wooden leg?"

"It's like I said before," answered the farmer, "He's one special
little pig, and an animal that special, you just don't eat all at
once."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ:  Absurd Warning Labels (Apparently, the Washington Post had
asked for readers to come up with absurd warning labels for common
products, and these are the submissions they received ...)

The Washington Post
May 14, 1995, Sunday, Final Edition

   We loved one particular entry for its wonderful idiocy:  On a
cardboard windshield sun shade:  "Warning:  Do Not Drive With Sun
Shield in Place." We were going to make it a winner, until we
discovered that it wasn't made up.

   Fourth Runner-Up -- On an infant's bathtub:  Do not throw baby
out with bath water.  (Gary Dawson, Arlington)

   Third Runner-Up -- On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat
lozenges:  Not meant as substitute for human companionship.  (Tom
Witte, Gaithersburg)

   Second Runner-Up -- On a Magic 8 Ball:  Not advised for use as a
home pregnancy test.  (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

   First Runner-Up -- On a roll of Life Savers:  Not for use as a
flotation device.  (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

   And the winner of the Power Ranger pinata:

   On a cup of McDonald's coffee:  Allow to cool before applying to
groin area.  (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

   Honorable Mentions

   On a refrigerator:  Refrigerate after opening.  (Cissie J.  Owen,
Leesburg)

   On a pack of cigarettes:  WARNING -- The Tobacco Institute has
determined that smoking just one cigarette greatly increases your
risk of heart attack by making you so incredibly sexy that gorgeous
members of the opposite sex surround you night and day, begging for
intercourse and wearing you into exhaustion, unless, of course, you
have another couple of cigarettes to steady your nerves.  (Jacob
Weinstein, McLean)

   On a disposable razor:  Do not use this product during an
earthquake.  (Jim Gaffney, Manassas)

   On a handgun:  Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.  (Art
Grinath, Takoma Park)

   On pantyhose:  Not to be used in the commission of a felony.
(Judith Daniel, Washington)

   On a piano:  Harmful or fatal if swallowed.  (Peter Fay, Herndon)

   On a can of Fix-a-Flat:  Not to be used for breast augmentation.
(Jerry Robin, Gaithersburg)

   On Dr.  Kevorkian's suicide machine:  This product uses carbon
monoxide, which has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats.
(Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

   On a Pentium chip:  If this product exhibits errors, the
manufacturer will replace it for a $2 shipping and a $3 handling
charge, for a total of $4.97.  (Russell Beland, Springfield)

   On Lyndon LaRouche literature:  Mr.  LaRouche is a serious
political figure and not a paranoid lunatic, and should therefore --
Hey, what are you looking at?  Quit staring at me.  (Meg Sullivan,
Potomac)

   On work gloves:  For best results, do not leave at crime scene.
(Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

   On a palm sander:  Not to be used to sand palms.  (Patrick G.
White, Taneytown)

   On a calendar:  Use of term "Sunday" for reference only.  No
meteorological warranties expressed or implied.  (Elden Carnahan,
Laurel)

   On Odor Eaters:  Do not eat.  (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

   On Sen.  Bob Dole:  WARNING:  Contents under pressure and may
explode.  (Doug Keim, Schaumburg, Ill.  )

   On a blender:  Not for use as an aquarium.  (Gary Dawson,
Arlington)

   On a fax machine:  WARNING!  Never attempt to directly fax anyone
an image of your naked buttocks.  Always photocopy your buttocks and
fax the photocopy.  (John Kammer, Herndon)

   On syrup of ipecac:  Caution:  May cause vomiting.  (Paul
Styrene, Olney)

   On a revolving door:  Passenger compartments for individual use
only.  (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

   On a microscope:  Objects are smaller and less alarming than they
appear.  (J.  Calvin Smith, Laurel)

   On children's alphabet blocks:  Letters may be used to construct
words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.  (David
Handelsman, Charlottesville)

   On a wet suit:  Capacity, 1.  (J.  Calvin Smith, Laurel)

   And Last:

   On The Washington Post:  Do not cut up and use for blackmail
note.  (Joseph Romm, Washington).

********************************************************************
 Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************

"HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail
list server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more information
on Lyris, see <http://www.lyris.com/>.

To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following
command to <lyris@lyris.net>:

subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country

where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems,
then either (1) send any message to <HumourNet-info@lyris.net> for
a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web
interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>, or (3) send a *detailed*
description of the problem to <Listmom@telephonet.com>.

To unsubscribe, visit our Web interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>
or refer to your Welcome message for detailed instructions.

For instructions on contributing to HumourNet, send any message to
<contribution-guidelines@lyris.net>.

>>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors,
not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the
text wherever possible. <<<

The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP:

    Web: <http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/>
    FTP: <ftp://ftp.humournet.com/pub/HumourNet/Collage.Archives/>

Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that
1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line
containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer,
and 2) no fee is charged.

There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a
copy of them, send any message to <posting-guidelines@lyris.net>, or
refer to your Welcome message.

********************************************************************
    "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
********************************************************************
</collage078>