Collage 079               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

Hey, CyberKids!

Collage 79 is here, with thanks to Lorraine for "Miracles" and
"Honesty, Attorney Style" (okay, so you've heard them both
before, just keep scrolling), and to Bob for "Electrical Humor"
(don't let the ASPCA read that one). The rest is just the usual
Internet noise ...

Happy Bytes!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: How Miracles REALLLY Happen

Three preachers are in a boat fishing and not catching anything.

One preacher gets bored and says he's leaving, and walks across the
lake to shore.

Another preacher says, "Yes, me too," and does the same.

The last preacher is amazed at these feats, but figures, "Well if
they can walk on water, then so can I because I'm as good as they
are." So he steps out of the boat, but falls into the water;  he
climbs back into the boat and tries a second time, and falls in yet
again.

The other two preachers are back on the shore laughing at the third
preacher's predicament.  Finally, one of them says to the other, "Do
you think we should tell him where the stones are?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Honesty, Attorney Style

A very rich man, who was very close to his money, got together with
his closest friends one day, who happened to be a Priest, a Doctor,
and a Lawyer (of course).

The rich man was very old, and getting older, and was thinking about
his approaching death.  He told his three friends this, and asked
them to do a favor for him when he died.

"Here are three envelopes. Each contains $100,000, one for each of
you.  I don't wish to go to the afterlife without my money.  Please,
when I am buried, would each of you throw your envelope into the
grave on top of my coffin?"

The three friends agreed, and took the envelopes.

Sure enough (of course) the rich man died.  At his funeral, the
Priest, the Doctor and the Lawyer threw their envelopes on his
coffin.

As they were leaving the funeral, the Priest said to the others, "I
have a confession to make.  The church needed a new altar badly, so
I ...  I took $5000 to buy it," and looked at his feet.

The Doctor said, "Well, since you've admitted it, I too must confess
that I took money.  The children's hospital where I work needed a
new, expensive X-ray machine, so I took $30,000 to buy it."

The Doctor and the Priest both turned to the Lawyer, expecting a
similar confession, but the Lawyer said, "How could you betray a
trust like that?  Surely, you both realize that, as an attorney, I
could never betray a client's trust--there was a check for the FULL
$100,000 in that envelope!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Electrical Humor

 This story was related by Pat Routledge of Winnepeg, Ontario about
a repair call he handled while living in England.

 It's common practice in England to ring a telephone by signaling
extra voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground
(earth in England).

 When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two wire
circuit for the conversation.  This method allows two parties on the
same line to be signalled without disturbing each other.

 Anyway, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that her
telephone failed to ring when her friends called;  and that on the
few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked first.  Pat
proceede to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog.

 He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and
dialed the subscriber's house.  The phone didn't ring.  He tried
again.  The dog barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone.
Climbing down from the pole, Pat found:

 a. A dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an
    iron chain and collar.

 b. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current.

 c. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and
    urinating on the ground.

 d. The wet ground now completed the circuit and the phone would
    ring.

 Which shows that you that some problems can be fixed by just
pissing on them.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: "Understanding Oregon's Weather and Ski Reports," a Guidebook
for Easterners

STANDARD TERM		MEANING (EASTERN U.S.)		MEANING (OREGON)
-------------		----------------------		----------------

partly sunny		occasional clouds,		overcast,
			intermittent sunshine		occasional drizzle

chance of flurries	may see a few snowflakes;	4 to 10 inches of snow;
			most schools will be closed,	daycare & kindergarten
			driving will be hell		unaffected

base (snow) depth	snow depth is 0 to 6 inches	snow depth is 12 to 14
of 12 to 14		(terrible conditions; stay	feet (great conditions;
			home, watch TV)			stay up late, wax skis)

get a tan		attempt to turn brown from	rust from humidity
			sun; give up, go to tanning
			salon

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

NOTE: The "Good Times" virus hoax was recently re-circulated in
various parts of the Internet. In one case, it turned up on a mailing
list, and prompted a rather entertaining reply. Attached is the
original warning and the reply ...
-----

> I have just heard about an email virus - called Good Times - that is
> being circulated through mailing lists.

It turns out that "Good Times" is a virus that evades the normal
hardware/software interface and acts directly on the wetware, causing
infected wetware units to write messages to listservs and news groups
about the "Good Times" virus.

No. Wait. ....
 I've got it.....
            No!....
                  don't....
                         hit....
                                send.....
                                                AAAHHHHHH!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ...
(Compiled by Sue Trowbridge)

-----

TOP TEN OTHER REASONS PEOPLE ARE SUING MCDONALD'S

10. One in every 50 McNuggets has a pink, cord-like tail

 9. Filet-O-Fish actually just deep fried plywood

 8. You know those fancy French fries? Them boys ain't exactly
    coming from France

 7. A woman from Delaware ate three Big Macs at one sitting, &
    her ass inflated so rapidly that her car turned over

 6. Mayor McCheese vidoetaped in hotel room smoking ketchup-
    flavored crack

 5. Red clown hairs in the fries

 4. Grimace keeps breaking into furniture stores and trying to
    mate with the bean-bag chairs

 3. Found a McNail in the McNuggets

 2. When asking "Would you like fries with that?", counterperson
    forgot to add, "Mr. President"

 1. That ain't special sauce!

-----

TOP TEN WAYS TO MAKE THE KENTUCKY DERBY MORE EXCITING

10. Horses must run last 25 yards on hindlegs

 9. Last-place finisher becomes part of "surf 'n' turf" special
    at Churchill Downs restaurant

 8. Winning horse gets to do victory lap dragging a hog-tied
    G. Gordon Liddy

 7. At the finish line, a giant pit of macaroni and cheese

 6. Put a saddle on Rush Limbaugh

 5. Instead of horses, really fast cars

 4. Jockeys wear nothing but Jockeys

 3. Siskel and Ebert in a horse costume

 2. Let Letterman entertain the horses (clip of Dave playing
    the fiddle for a horse; horse kicks his head off, and
    it sails across the barnyard)

 1. Three words: super-fat jockeys

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