Collage 080               H u m o u r N e t                May 1995

Welcome to Collage 80: the "Idiot Awards" collage. Many thanks to
Kevin for the "Darwin Award" [urban legend] piece. The "Hall of
Shame" piece is just an assortment of stupid-criminals stuff I've
collected from various media sources over the years ...

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
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SUBJ: Darwin Award Nomination (Urban Legend, But Amusing)

"Darwin Award" Nominee:  You all know about the Darwin Award--it's
an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the
biggest service by killing himself in the most extraordinarily
stupid way.

Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke (tm)
machine that toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to
tip a free soda out of it.

And this year's nominee is:

The Arizona (U.S.) Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering
metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road, at
the apex of a curve.

The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a
car.  The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene.

The boys in the lab finally figured out what it was, and what had
happened.

[Editor's Note 1: Apologies for the politically-incorrect usage of
the word "boys." The reference is to fully-grown men, and we must
not send them back into their respective childhoods by using
demeaning terms like "boys."]

It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet
Assisted Take Off, actually a solid-fuel rocket), that is used to
give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off
from short airfields.  He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the
desert, and found a long, straight stretch of road.  Then he
attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed, and
fired off the JATO!!

Best as they could determine, he was doing somewhere between 250 and
300 mph (350-420kph) when he came to that curve ...

[Editor's Note 2: Would any of our cadre of mechanical engineers
(Mark? Karl?) like to comment on the rather unrealistic-sounding speed?
Is it even remotely likely that a car (well, a Chevy Impala, anyway)
could remain controllable enough to stay on the road at those speeds?
You figure they could have picked a more realistic-sounding speed.]

The brakes were completely burned away, apparently from trying to
slow the car.

NOTE:  Solid-fuel rockets don't have an 'off'...  once started, they
burn at full thrust until all the fuel has been expended.

[Editor's Note 3: Remember that this is an urban legend.]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame
(By Vince Sabio, HumourNet Moderator; (c) 1995 Vince Sabio)

Every day, we are assaulted by stories of stupid people--many of
whom use their stupidity for personal gain (e.g., $2.5M to some old
broad stupid enough to put hot coffee in her--uh--lap while driving).
From time to time, though, we hear of those who strive to achieve
new levels of stupidity *while* also breaking the law.  To these
brave men and women--ooops, "women and men"--we present the
highest possible honor: entry into the "Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame."

The following are their accounts ...

Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a
cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of
their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the
machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared,
they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached
to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With
their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

(Editor's Note 1: And they wonder why we call them "Yahoos" ...)

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a
bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it
was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him
be arrested immediately.

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and
demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him
the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.

England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up
at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf,
the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a
"handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate
his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics
was found in the golf bag.

Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman
decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day
Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else*
can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back
to her house--where she realized that the camel's name was "Otto."

(Editor's Note 2: She might not have gotten much milk from Otto,
but she probably made a friend for life while trying to ...)

Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for
Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-
old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2
years in jail.

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600
in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he
provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun,
announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his
head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours
and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While
it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was
located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of
himself stealing the camera. The police, however, *did*.)

(Location Unknown):  A man successfully broke into a bank's basement
through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in
the process.  He then realized that (1) he could not get to the
money from where he was, (2) he could not climb back out the window
through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly.
So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help ...

Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal
a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a
refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup.
The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons
decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more*
walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house,
and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked
the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.

(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience
store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked
for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled
a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk
promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled--
leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

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