Collage 081               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

Welcome to Collage 81--the Anti-Windoze collage! The first three
pieces were found at the following Web site:

http://www.tach.net/public/personal/scpayne/ihatewin/ihatewin.html

The next four are from:

http://www.oeh.uni-linz.ac.at:8001/~chris/HATE/

(At Chris's (yes, there's supposed to be another "s" after the
apostrophe) site, you can order your very own Anti-MS tee shirt!)

The final piece of this Collage, "Geek Humor," is repeated from
Collage 5 (way back when), but most of you weren't around back then
(plus, it just sorta fits the motif). "Geek Humor" was contributed
by Hank, with an assist from Charlie--thanks!

BTW, if the name "Bill Gates" makes you think of joining the NRA,
you might want to check out these other sites:

http://www.hum.auc.dk/~trekan/antims/Anti-MS_homepage.html
http://www.ziff.com:8002/~pcweek/daily/usdojvms.html

This last one is PC-Week's journal of the ongoing U.S. Dept. of
Justice vs. Micro$oft saga--including the official documents
concerning "vaporware," its definition, and the major issues that
the U.S.DoJ has with M$'s use of vaporware to gain market share.
(Sound familiar? Windoze '96, anyone?)

So, dig in and enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com

P.S.--No M$ software was used in the production of this--or any
other--collage.

____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

TOP 10 THINGS PEOPLE THINK THE 95 IN WINDOWS 95 REALLY STANDS FOR

10. The number of floppies it will ship on.
9.  The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.
8.  The number of megabytes of hard disk space required
7.  The number of pages in the "EASY INSTALL" version of the manual.
6.  The percentage of existing programs that won't run in the new OS
5.  The number of minutes to install
4.  The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run
3.  The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade
2.  MHz required for the OS to run.
1.  The year it was DUE to ship.

-- from the Cyberscope section in Newsweek, 10/31/94

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

MicroSoft Renames Windows 95: WInever is Born!

REDMOND, WASHINGTON--In an effort to dispell confusion surrounding
Microsoft's upcoming new version of Windows, Microsoft annouced
today that it would rename the upgrade--formerly known as Windows
95--to WinEver.

"There seemed to be a great deal of anxiety about when the product
would ship. We felt it was in the best interest of our users to
free them from this anxiety," said a Microsoft spokesperson who
requested to remain anonymous.

Industry analysts were quick to praise the decision. "WinEver will
free Windows users from space and time constraints. It also gives
Windows a new timeless quality", said a member of Ziff-Davis
Publishing's Editorial Staff. "This is precisely why OS/2 is
failing in the marketplace--they have failed to deliver a strategy
for their product."

When asked when WinEver would be available, a Microsoft spokesperson
said "Whenever." The spokesperson added "It really doesn't matter
since WinEver is destined to be the most powerful and popular
operating system ever." Market and industry analysts quickly agreed
adding that "WinEver has already revolutionized the industry."

A spokesperson from IBM disagreed however. "Microsoft is still
trying to sell a product that doesn't exist. IBM has been shipping
a 32-bit operating system since 1992 that runs today's DOS, Windows
and OS/2 applications in a stable 32-bit environment with an
advanced user interface. WinEver--or WhatEver it's called now--
still relies on DOS device drivers and is not a true 32-bit OS
unlike OS/2." He added that "users who think that WinEver will have
no compatibility problems will be in for a surprise."

Most users seem to remain unconvinced however. "WinEver will run
everything and it won't have any bugs or compatibility problems
because it's from Microsoft. Why should I buy OS/2, which is less
than perfect, when WinEver is right around the corner?"

In a related story, IBM has reportedly been working on incorporating
WinEver compatibility into a future version of OS/2. Microsoft was
quick to express fear, uncertainty and doubt in regards to IBM's
chances of success. "IBM is chasing a moving target and without the
source code." Industry analysts and the media agreed adding that
this is yet another example of "OS/2's failing strategy."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Windoze Source Code

#include <windows.h>
#include <system_errors.h>
#include <stdlib.h>

char make_prog_look_big[1600000];

main()
{
   if (detect_cache())
      disable_cache();

   if (fast_cpu())
      set_wait_states(lots);

   set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
   set_mouse(action, jumpy);
   set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);

   printf("Welcome to Windoze 3.999");
   printf(" (we might get it right or just call it Chicago)\n");

   if (system_ok())
      crash(to_dos_prompt);
   else
      system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);

   while(1)
   {
      sleep(5);
      get_user_input();
      sleep(5);
      act_on_user_input();
      sleep(5);

      if (rand() < 0.9)
         crash(complete_system);
   }
   return(unrecoverable_system);
}

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More Source Code ...

/*
                        TOP SECRET Microsoft(c)  Code
                        Project:          Chicago(tm)

  Projected release-date:

  Summer 1994^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^HSpring 1995

*/

#include
#include
#include
#include "win31.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"

/*
  Reference:
  Internal memo #99281-95 from:
                        William H. Gates III
                            to:
                        Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project

  William H. Gates III wrote:
  "I have serious doubts about the 'EASY' installation-definition.
   It might prevent customers to think that they actually bought something
   _good_. Therefore I want the installation-definition to be 'HARD'.

                                                Carry on,
                                                        God^H^H^HBill
  "
*/
#define INSTALL = HARD

void main()
{
        while(!CRASHED)
        {
                display_copyright_message();
                display_bill_rules_message();
                do_nothing_loop();
                if(first_time_installation)
                {
                        make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
                        do_nothing_loop();
                        totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
                        search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
                        hang_system();
                }
                write_something(anything);
                display_copyright_message();
                do_nothing_loop();
                do_some_stuff();
                if(still_not_crashed)
                {
                        display_copyright_message();
                        do_nothing_loop();
                        basically_run_windows_3.1();
                        do_nothing_loop();
                        do_nothing_loop();
                }
        }

/*
  Reference:
  Internal memo #99683-95 from:
                        Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project
                            to:
                        William H. Gates III

  Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project wrote:
  "Dear Sir,
   Since we have found that this last piece of code within the 'if'-statement
   will never execute, we descided NOT to include it in the final code.
   This way we will save atleast another 5 megabytes of consumer-diskspace!

                        Thank you for listening to us,
                            the executive managers of the Chicago(tm)-project
  "
*/
/*
        if(still_not_crashed)
        {
                write_cheer();
                finished();
        }
*/
        create_general_protection_fault();
}

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

So you've all heard of OS/2 warp.  Here's why Windows 95 is the
right operating system for you!

Enhanced Error Handling:

Over the past 12 months, MicroSoft has been working intensively on
the bugs inherent in Windows 3.1.  The result: an advanced
operating system with greatly enhanced bugs.  All of the Windows 3.1
bugs are present in Windows 95, and run faster than ever.  We have
also introduced a range of new bugs never before seen in an
operating system of this type.  Whether you are a professional
programmer, a casual user, or a game player, Windows 95 offers a
larger range of bugs than any other operating system on the market.

32-bit memory management:

Windows 95 offers full 32 bit management of 16 bit memory. After a
considerable amount of work, the familiar "General Protection Fault"
is nowhere to be seen.

Threaded Multitasking:

The cooperative multi-tasking found in windows 3.1 has been replaced
with the far more powerful "uncooperative multi-tasking." This
enhancement will allow several processes to crash simultaneously.
Our new crash protection facility greatly enhances the multitasking
environment. Should one process fail, the CPF will prevent this
process from being disturbed by other cleanly running processes.
The multi-threaded environment allows one process to generate
multiple errors, while still remaining separate from other threads.

Time-Saving Capabilities:

Everyone has had his system crash while editing a document that had
not yet been saved. Re-entering the lost data can be frustrating
and time-consuming. Windows 95 eliminates this problem by causing
processes to crash MUCH earlier, significantly reducing data loss.

So, anyone can see why Windows 95 offers greater power at a greater
price than any other operating system available today. So, when
choosing your next operating system, remember our motto ... "Windows
95: Tomorrow's bugs... Today!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

As a special witness to the President's "War on DOS" committee,
Bill the Cat reveals his sordid past:

"At first, I just did it on weekends, with my friends, you know?  We
never wanted to hurt anyone. The girls loved it. We'd all sit
around the computer and do a little DOS. It was just a kick. At
least that's what we thought. Then it got worse."

"It got so I'd have to do some DOS during the weekdays. After a
while I couldn't even wake up in the morning without that craving to
do DOS. Then it started affecting my job. I would just have to do
it during my break. Maybe a Mode command or two. I eventually
started doing DOS just to get through the day. Of course, it
screwed up my mind so much that I couldn't even function as a normal
cat. DOS got me fired from my job."

"I'm lucky today. I've overcome my DOS problem. It wasn't easy.
If you're smart, just don't start. Remember, if a weirdo in a blue
suit offers you some DOS, just say no."

MS-DOS ... Just Say No!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Q: Is Windows a virus ?

A: No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

 1) They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
 2) Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system
    as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
 3) Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay,
    Windows does that too.
 4) Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with
    valuable programs and systems.  Sigh... Windows does that, too.
 5) Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is
    too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.  Yup, that's
    with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental
differences :

Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most
systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they
tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.  So Windows is not
a virus.  It's a bug.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Geek Humor

Q:  How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light
    bulb?
A:  Four hundred and seventy two.
    One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle,
    one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb,
    one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...
    ......

Q:  How many MS-Word support technicians does it take to change
    a light bulb?
A:  A call to MS's Help Desk revealed the following answer: "We have an
    exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine.
    Can you tell me what kind of system you have?  OK.  Now, exactly how
    dark is it?  OK, there could be four or five things wrong...  have
    you tried the light switch?"

Q:  How many MicroSoft managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light
    bulbs burn out, and to figure out what, exactly, we as
    supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Q:  How many MicroSoft testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  We just noticed the room was dark; we don't actually fix the
    problem.

Q:  How many MicroSoft technicians does it take to change a light
    bulb?
A:  Three.  Two holding the ladder, and one to screw the bulb into
    the faucet.

Q:  How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem
    and has assigned you request service number 39,712.  Please use
    this number for any future references to this light-bulb issue.

Q:  How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  You're still thinking procedurally.  A properly designed light
    bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light
    bulb class, so all you would have to do is send a
    light-bulb-change message.

Q:  How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  The light bulb works fine on the system in my office...

Q:  How many shipping department personnel does it take to change a
    light bulb?
A:  We can change the light bulb in seven to ten working days, but
    if you call before 2 pm, and pay an extra $15, we can get the
    bulb changed overnight.

Q:  How many MicroSoft engineers does it take to change a light
    bulb?
A:  None.  Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(TM) as the new
    industry standard.

Q:  How long does it take a DEC repairman to change a light bulb?
A:  It depends on how many burnt out light bulbs he brought with
    him.

Q:  How many Newton users does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Foux!  there to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.

Q:  How many MicroSoft vice presidents does it take to change a
    light bulb?
A:  Eight.  One to work the light bulb, and seven to make sure
    Microsoft gets US$2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere
    in the world.

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</collage081>