Collage 083               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

And it's Collage 83, with many thanks to James (from SpaceNet)
the entertaining "FCC To Regulate the Internet" piece. (Okay, so
James thought that the message was *serious* when he forwarded
it to SpaceNet--all the more entertaining, right?)

Also included are several of the better Letterman Top Tens, hot
off the TOPTEN mailing list ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: FCC To Regulate the Internet ...

 WASHINGTON, DC.  The White House confirmed today that the FCC will
become the Federal agency to assume responsibility for regulating
the so-called "Information Super Highway." Today this consists of an
autonomous network of computers known collectively as the Internet.
Usually reliable sources revealed that the government is becoming
increasingly apprehensive about the Internet's uncontrolled growth
and the potential for damage to National Security.  A highly placed
government source was quoted as saying "...now anyone with a
thousand dollars can obtain the computer hardware and software
necessary to communicate on the Internet.  Irresponsible individuals
can easily transmit messages worldwide.  Clearly, there is a need
for government regulation."

In response to these concerns the FCC is rumored to be preparing
restrictive regulations to assure "responsible use" of the Internet.
The FCC is reportedly cooperating with other national and
international agencies to coordinate these regulations.  Several
former eastern bloc countries and Italy are reportedly coordinating
their internal regulation planning with the FCC.

Although details are sketchy at this time, these new regulations are
likely to take the form of some sort of license examination for
Internet users.  Despite the fact that a costly new government
bureaucracy will be established, it will likely save money in the
long run, according to government sources.  "A single USENET posting
may cost hundreds if not thousands of dollars, therefore, if
licensing reduces such postings by only 10% the savings will more
than recover these additional costs," said a highly placed
government source.

Expert government watchers have been able to piece together a fairly
comprehensive picture of the soon-to-be-proposed license requirements.
Based upon the past history of the FCC, the test will likely consist
of three parts:  theory, jurisprudence and practice.

The theory portion of the examination will include written
examination of the principles of digital logic, elements of generic
machine language programming, and comprehensive knowledge of TCP/IP
and network interfacing hardware.

The jurisprudence portion will assess the candidate's basic
knowledge of the regulations governing use of the Internet and will
cover ethical as well as legal issues.  Licensing will likely
include an "Internet oath" requirement in which the candidate will
swear to uphold certain basic standards of conduct.  Users of the
Internet will be required to broadcast their license numbers at
logon and intermittently after connection to the Internet.

The practice portion of the examination is likely to be the most
controversial.  Reportedly, all candidates must pass a typing skills
examination and achieve no less than 40 words per minute to obtain a
(temporary) novice license.  This must be raised to 80 words per
minute before a regular-status license will be issued.  Novices will
restricted to operating networked computers having speeds of less
than 5 Mhz or operation of SLIP or dial-up connections of no greater
than 2400 baud.  (It is rumored that the FCC will make 5 Mhz
replacement crystals available at a nominal charge to temporarily
slow computers of novice operators.)

The FCC also recognizes that there are conditions when terminal
emulators are not available.  Therefore, an expert class will be
established for communication using only numeric keypads and
bi-digit numeric displays.  Although needing a minimum of equipment,
this mode will require sending, receiving and manual translation of
raw ASCII codes.  Guidelines for minimum communication rates for
this mode have yet to be established while the FCC awaits public
input.  Although felt to be a desirable goal for all users, this
class of license will only be required by individuals operating
wireless LANS.

Asked what the effect of proposed regulations would have on the
Internet, a highly placed official noted that these rules "should
not be considered prohibitive, as they simply bring regulation of
the Internet in line with other communication modes under FCC
governance." However, the source did feel that such regulations
should be very helpful in restraining the rapid growth of the
Internet.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

> From New York: Home of the Cannes film festival ... it's
  THE TOP TEN LIST for Tuesday, May 23, 1995.  And now, a man
  who is a surgeon and a general ... David Letterman!

> From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ...

TOP TEN SIGNS THE N.Y.P.D. IS OUT OF CONTROL

10. Besides handcuffs, officers carrying chains & leather whips

 9. Many have appeared on both "Cops" & "America's Most Wanted"

 8. Emptying service revolvers into donut racks to see which
    ones have jelly

 7. They drive around Wall St. in a Sherman tank, shooting
    accountants in the ass

 6. We're 20 games into the season and they still haven't arrested
    a single N.Y. Met

 5. Instead of sirens, squad cars now blaring John Tesh

 4. From the back, they all look like Ebert

 3. Any chance they get, they take off clothes and do push-ups
    (video clip of naked Jimmy Smits doing push-ups)

 2. They spend most of their time frisking themselves

 1. Goodbye, uniforms -- hello, Batman outfits!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

> From New York: Bring on the Tylenol, Helen ... it's THE
  TOP TEN LIST for Friday, May 26, 1995.  And now, a man who
  wants to be your friend and family ... David Letterman!

> From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ...

TOP TEN JOEY BUTTAFUOCO'S SUMMER FUN TIPS

10. Go to swimsuit shop and grope the mannequins

 9. When you pick up chicks at the beach, ask them up front not
    to shoot your wife

 8. Drop by Janet Reno's place with a pitcher of sangria; hope
    for the best

 7. Put a quart of tequila and a bag of Cheetos in a blender, and
    thank me later!

 6. Wear light, loose-fitting clothing when soliciting hookers

 5. See how many dirty words you can make from the letters in your
    last name

 4. Jump White House fence and offer Hillary 50 bucks for a lap dance

 3. Show off tan line from the handcuffs

 2. Travel around the country making an ass out of yourself

 1. Try to nail anything that moves

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

> From New York: One ticket lets you ride all day ... it's THE
  TOP TEN LIST for Monday, May 29, 1995.  And now, the queen of
  this year's fall pageant ... David Letterman!

> From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ...

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE ADDICTED TO CAFFEINE

[Originally broadcast 10/7/94]

10. Haven't slept since the Johnson Administration

 9. Your next-door neighbors often call to complain about the sound of
    your chattering teeth

 8. Instead of Tic Tacs, you suck on No-Doz

 7. You named your twins "Cappuccino" and "Espresso"

 6. On the way to work you get pulled over for speeding and you don't
    even have your car

 5. You kill a guy for trying to switch your regular coffee with
    Folgers Crystals

 4. You wake up in middle of the night screaming "Pepsi! For the love
    of God, I need Pepsi!"

 3. When a Maxwell House commercial comes on, you actually lick the TV
    screen

 2. You drink so much coffee it starts shooting out your ears like our
    stage manager Biff Henderson (shot of Biff spitting coffee out
    of ears)

 1. You're shaking like Michael Jackson on his wedding night

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

> From New York: Objection overruled ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST
  for Thursday, May 25, 1995.  And now, a man who just tossed
  his pants in the ring for '96 ... David Letterman!

> From the home office in Glens Falls, New York...

TOP TEN REASONS AMERICA IS THE GREATEST COUNTRY ON EARTH

10. Liberal laws allow you to make millions by spilling McDonald's
    coffee in your lap

 9. We got Regis!

 8. Swedes would be lucky to have one flavor of Pringles; hey
    Gustav! We've got ten!

 7. Only country where you can murder two people and then get on
    TV every day!

 6. In N.Y.C., people of all different races & creeds give each
    other the finger equally

 5. Where else could a guy have hit records with a middle name
    like "Doggy" and a first name like "Snoop"?

 4. Average citizens can just hop right over the White House
    fence and go visit the president

 3. Sailors pass out candy!

 2. Ya-hooo! A hillbilly chief executive!

 1. Two words: Slim Jims

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

> From New York: Seats are limited ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for
  Friday, June 2, 1995.  And now, a man who doubled his salary in
  cattle futures ... David Letterman!

> From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ...

TOP TEN BOUTROS BOUTROS-GHALI PICK-UP LINES

[Originally broadcast 5/6/94]

10. "Can I can I buy you buy you a drink a drink?"

 9. "The nations are united -- why not you and me?"

 8. "I'm the man so nice they named me twice!"

 7. "I'm so depressed about the unstable world situation that I really
    don't think I should spend tonight alone"

 6. "You were fabulous in 'Basic Instinct,' Ms. Stone"

 5. "It must be fate -- you don't have any boutroses, and I've got one
    to spare!"

 4. "I have the complete line of General Foods international coffees
    back at my place"

 3. "In your honor, I'm declaring 1994 the international year of the
    babe"

 2. "Want to have sex, Madonna?"

 1. "I've got a peacekeeping force in my pants"

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