Collage 084               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

And so it once *again* came to pass that I was listening to the
radio ... it seems that a fight broke out recently at a minor-
league baseball game; the pitcher was knocked unconscious (how
could they tell?) and several players were thrown out of the
game.

Why is this interesting? Because it was "Strike Out Domestic
Violence" theme night.

So much for *that* idea, huh? (Better stick to things that
baseball players can relate to, like "Bat Day.")

Anyway, here you have Collage 84, with thanks to Nancy for "The
Merits of Circular Logic" and "God on the Internet," and the ever-
prolific Lorraine for "Household Physics" and the miscellaneous
humor set (including yet another addendum to the "Redneck" humor
collection).

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: The Merits of Circular Logic

I'm reminded of a trip to the local Kragen store the other day:

Me: You don't seem to have any air cleaners for my Mazda truck.
Clerk: Yeah, we're out.
Me: When you gonna get some more?
Clerk: We get more every Tuesday.
Me: This is Wednesday!  How many do you get each week?
Clerk: Two.
Me: Well, it's been one day and you're sold out.  Ever think about
ordering more?
Clerk: Not really, two a week is all we ever sell.

(The author swore that this exchange actually occurred ...)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: God on the Internet

Someone started a thread on questions to ask god.  "God" responded
from god@heaven.com which in turn started a thread on the .com part.
Here are the best responses on that ...

John: Nope, it's GOD@HEAVEN.COM for Catholics, GOD@HEAVEN.EDU for
UUs, and GOD@HEAVEN.US for the Religious Right.

Unknown:  I forwarded this to a social mailing list I'm on, and one
person's response was, "I'm inclined to think that the Religous
Right would prefer god@heaven.gov."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Household Physics

Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as
all other laws of the universe?  Here are a few examples:

1.  A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse
proportion to his ability to actually do the work involved.

2.  Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus
one.

3.  A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an
unwashed window.

4.  The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to
how badly it is needed.

5.  The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a
two-car garage.

6.  Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.

7.  The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number
of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.

(Editor's Note: I think the author meant to say "inversely
proportional." - VS)

8.  The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor
temperature.

9.  The capacity of any hot-water heater is equal to one and
one-half sibling showers.

10.  What goes up must come down, except bubble gum and slightly
used Rice Krispies.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Miscellaneous Humor ...

The Mother Superior was asking the girls in her class at the convent
school what they wanted to be when they grew up.  After the usual
chorus of doctors, nurses, lawyers, heads of industry, etc ...  one
girl replied, "I wanna be a prostitute."

The Mother Superior went pale, and stammered "You want to be a
what?"

The girl said again, "I wanna be a prostitute."

The color return the the Mother Superior's face, and she breathed a
sigh of relief.

"Oh, thank God, I thought you said a protestant."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Wall Street stockbroker came home early and rather unexpectedly
one afternoon and found his wife in bed with a naked young man.
Staring at the scene, his face reddened with anger.

"Just what the hell is the meaning of this!" he shouted at his wife.
"It's simple," his wife said. "I've gone public."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Q: What's the difference between a redneck and a five-watt light bulb?
A: The five-watt bulb is brighter.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

One of the latest new car models has been touted as being the most
automated vehicle ever marketed.  With that sales pitch in mind, a
lady purchases one.  A few days later, she returned to the dealer,
complaining that the radio doesn't work.

"Well, madam, as I told you, this is a completely automated car.
All you need to do is say what type of entertainment you want, and
the radio will select it for you."

So she is driving down the road, and decides some music would be
nice.  "Jazz, please," sez she.  And the greatest jazz music comes
on;  great acoustics, just an all-around fine experience.

A bit later, she says "classical, please." And here is a beautiful
symphony orchestra, with excellent fidelity, full stereo, and so
forth.

As she was driving along, suddenly, some driver screams around her
and jerks over into her lane, nearly hitting her. "Stupid jackass!"
she shouts--and the radio turns on Rush Limbaugh.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An 80 year woman married an 85 year old man.  After about six
months together, the woman wasn't feeling well and she went to her
doctor.  The doctor examined her and said, "Congratulations Mrs. Jones,
you're going to be a mother."

"Get serious Doctor, I'm 80."

"I know," said the Doctor, "This morning I would have said it was
impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle."

"I'll be damned," she replied and stormed out of the office. She walked
down the hall and around the corner to where the telephones were.
In a rage, she dialed her husband.  "Hello?" she heard the familiar
voice say.

She screamed, "You rotten son of a bitch. You got me pregnant!"

There was a pause on the line. Finally her husband responded, "Who's
calling please?"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SUBJ: Death of a Windows '95 Programmer

Did you hear the one about the Microsoft Windows '95 programmer who
died?  He found himself in front of a committee that decides whether
you go to Heaven or Hell.

The committee told the programmer he had some say in the matter and
asked him if he wanted to see Heaven and Hell before stating his
preference.

"Sure," he said, so an angel took him to a place with a sunny beach,
volleyball, and rock and roll, where everyone was having a great
time.

"Wow!" he exclaimed.  "Heaven is great!"

"Wrong," said the angel.  "That was Hell.  Want to see Heaven?"

"Sure!" So the angel took him to another place.  Here a bunch of
people were sitting in a park playing bingo and feeding dead
pigeons.

"This is Heaven?" asked the Windows programmer.

"Yup," said the angel.

"Then I'll take Hell." Instantly he found himself plunged up to his
neck in red-hot lava, with the hosts of the damned in torment around
him.

"Where's the beach?  The music?  The volleyball?" he screamed
frantically to the angel.

"That was the demo," she replied as she vanished.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Last 10 Things Any Woman Would Ever Say:

10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being
    friends.
 9. Go ahead, leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
 8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
 7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
 6. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are
    just too cute.
 5. This diamond is way too big.
 4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
 3. Wow, it *is* 14 inches!
 2. Does this make my butt look too small?
 1. I'm wrong, you must be right again.

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