Collage 085               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

Many thanks to everyone who has been helping point out my
duplications recently. (Hey, some of this stuff is *worth* a
second try, okay?) Seriously, though, please keep pointing them
out--it keeps me from slipping into complacency.

Anyway, on to Collage 85, and its [hopefully] all-new contents,
with many thanks to the still-ever-prolific Lorraine for, oh,
everything in here except the last piece. The last piece, "Minus
One," is an addendum to "The Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame"
(Collage 80).

Happy Bytes!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Car Acronyms

BMW:       Big Money Waste

Buick:     Big Ugly Import Car Killer

Chevrolet: Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips

Dodge:     Drops Oil, Drops Grease, Everywhere

Fiat:      Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation

Ford:      Fix Or Repair Daily

GMC:       Generally Mediocre Cars

Pontiac:   Poor Old Nut Thinks Its A Cadillac

SAAB:      Swedish Automobile, Always Broken

Toyota:    Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

 A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in an
airplane. All of a sudden, the man sneezes powerfully. He takes
out his handkerchief, opens his zipper, takes out his willy and
after having carefully wiped it, puts it back in and closes his
zipper.

 The woman is shocked--but she thinks it wiser to not say
anything about it.

 Then there is a second sneeze, as loud as the first one. And
the same routine: zipper open, willy out, wiping, willy in, and
zipper closed. That nearly makes the woman sick but she just tries
to ignore the whole thing.

 After the third sneeze (and the routine) she cannot help but
ask:

"Excuse me, sir, but you have now sneezed three times. And after
each time you have taken out your penis and wiped it. May I
inquire why?"

"Oh--you see Ma'am, every time I sneeze I get an orgasm."

"But that's awful! Do you take anything for it?"

"Pepper," answered the man.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

1. How big is the Internet? When did it start? How did it grow?

 The Internet is actually much smaller than most people think. It
 is primarily composed of fiber optic cables no thicker than a human
 hair, which can be conveniently rolled up and stored in a foot
 locker. Janitors at the National Science Foundation do this on the
 third Tuesday of every month when they wax the floors.

 Since fiber optics are the size of human hairs, they also make
 attractive wigs. The next time you watch a Sprint commercial,
 you'll see that Candice Bergen's alleged hair is really the T4
 backbone.

 The earliest origins of the Internet can be traced to Ancient
 Greece, where a loosely connected set of networks was used to
 discuss exploration in the Black Sea. The Argonets, as they were
 then called, were entirely subsidized by the government, and won
 one of William Proxmire's first Golden Fleece awards.

 The Internet grows hyperbolically, but is usually described
 elliptically.

2. Who owns the Internet?

 There is no one person or agency that owns the Internet. Instead,
 parts of it are owned by the Illuminati and parts are owned by Free
 Masons.

3. What do the Internet addresses mean?

 Precise meanings are often hard to determine. The address
 baker.lib.washington.edu seems to refer to a computer either owned
 by a baker or by someone named Baker. This can be deceiving
 however; names like this actually refer to where a computer is
 located. This one is on top of Mt. Baker.

 In addition to names, computers on the Internet also have numbers.
 This is part of the whole right brain/left brain thing.

4. Tell me how to get off and on various lists and discussion groups.

 Getting off on various lists is currently the subject of pending
 legislation.

5. What is "Netiquette?"

 "Netiquette" is one of many cutesy neologisms created by combining
 two other words. In this case, "network" and "tourniquette"
 combine to describe a program that shuts down a computer if it
 starts transmitting information too fast.

6. What is "Flaming?"

 Along with an improvisational approach to floating point
 arithmetic, early Pentium chips were noted for generating heat.
 While some hackers speak fondly of roasting marshmallows over their
 first P60s, others found themselves badly singed as the chips
 caught fire. This "flaming" sometimes occurred while the user was
 composing e-mail, resulting in poorly chosen or excessively
 vitriolic verbiage.

7. What is "Bandwidth?"

 As capacity on the Internet has increased, people have begun to
 transmit material other than simple text. One notable example is
 audio recordings of rock concerts. These audio files are much
 larger than even very long books, so they have become a standard
 unit of network usage. One Rolling Stone song equals one "band"
 width, and so on.

8. Why can't I FTP to some places?

 There are two main reasons for this. The first is that the site
 you want to ftp files from is exercising a certain degree of
 control over its network resources; in network parlance, this is
 called "fascism."

 The second reason is that the remote site may be dabbling with such
 network fads as gopher or the World Wide Web. This is called
 "keeping up with the times."

9. What is the World Wide Web, Gopherspace, etc?

 The World Wide Web, or WWW, is an experiment in generating acronyms
 that are much more difficult to pronounce than the words they
 replace.

 Gopherspace is an older network term. In response to the Soviet
 space program's early use of dogs in space, NASA mounted a program
 to orbit a number of different rodents. The programmers involved
 in this project adopted the motto "Gophers in space!" which has
 since been shortened. The only actual gopher to go into orbit had
 been digging up the carrots in Werner Von Braun's garden, and was
 named Veronica after his daughter.

10. Why can't I get some WWW stuff via FTP?

 It can be hard to say this, but some users of the Internet are
 unable to do things because they are stupid. The comparatively
 trivial task of getting an ftp client to do every single thing a
 WWW browser can do is beneath this column's attention.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently
been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers." Under
the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become
pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request
the service of a proxy father--a government employee who attempts to
solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife.

The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is
due to arrive.  Leaving for work, Mr.  Smith says, "I'm off.  The
government man should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door
baby photographer rings the bell ...

Mrs Smith:  "Good morning."

Salesman:  "Good morning, madam.  You don't know me, but I've come
 to-"

Mrs Smith:  "No need to explain, I've been expecting you.

Salesman:  "Really?  Well, good.  I've made a specialty of babies,
 especially twins."

Mrs Smith:  "That's what my husband and I had hoped.  Please come in
 and have a seat."

Salesman:  (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"

Mrs Smith:  "Don't concern yourself.  My husband and I both agree
this is the right thing to do."

Salesman:  "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."

Mrs Smith:  (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"

Salesman:  "Leave everything to me.  I usually try two in the
 bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed.
 Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to
 really spread out."

Mrs Smith:  "Bathtub, living room floor?  No wonder it hasn't worked
 for Harry and me."

Salesman:  "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one
 every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot
 from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with
 the results.  In fact, as my business card says, 'I aim to
 please.'"

Mrs Smith:  "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"

Salesman:  "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and
 take his time.  I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but
 you'd be disappointed with that."

Mrs Smith:  "Don't I know!  Have you had much success at this?"

Salesman:  (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just
 look at this picture.  Believe it or not, it was done on
 top of a bus in downtown London."

Mrs Smith:  "Oh, my!!"

Salesman:  "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town.
 They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their
 mother was so difficult to work with."

Mrs Smith:  "She was?"

Salesman:  "Yes, I'm afraid so.  I finally had to take her down to
 Hyde Park to get the job done right.  I've never worked
 under such impossible conditions.  People were crowding
 around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

Mrs Smith:  "Four and five deep?"

Salesman:  "Yes and for more than three hours, too.  The mother got
 so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and
 yelling at the crowd.  I couldn't concentrate.  I'm afraid
 I had to ask a couple of men restrain her.  By that time
 darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots.
 When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just
 packed it all in."

Mrs Smith:  "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh..,
equipment?"

Salesman:  "That's right, but it's all in a day's work.  I consider
 my work a pleasure.  I've spent years perfecting my patented
 technique.  Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front
 window of a big department store."

Mrs Smith:  "I just can't believe it."

Salesman:  "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so
 that we can get to work."

Mrs Smith:  "TRIPOD?!?"

Salesman:  "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on.
 It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm
 shooting.  Ms Smith?...Ms Smith?...My word, she's fainted!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Minus One
(from Erie Insurance Group's "In Sync" magazine)

Dr. John Rende, a 38-year-old Florida dentist, agreed to allow two
brothers to cut off a finger with an axe and claim it was an
accident. He collected a $1.3 million lump-suum settlement from one
brother's homeowners policy, and filed under his own disability
policy as well. Rende used some of the money to buy a yacht, which
he named "Minus One." He and his brothers pleaded guilty and are
currently in jail ...

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