Collage 086 H u m o u r N e t 1995 Finally clearing out some of the backlog ... Welcome to Collage 86--another Lorraine exclusive! (So blame her if you don't like it.) If you don't have time to read everything in here, note that the last piece, "Tourist Questions," is a *must-read*. Have Fun! - Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator HumourNet@telephonet.com ____________________________________________________________________ Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message. ____________________________________________________________________ SUBJ: Snail Joke The landlord of a pub is just locking up when there's a ring on the doorbell. He opens the door, and there's a snail sitting there. "What do you want?" asks the landlord. The snail replies that he wants a drink. "Go away, were closed, and we don't serve snails anyway." The snail pleads and pleads with the barman to give him a drink, at which point the landlord gets fed up, kicks the snail and slams the door. Exactly one year later, he's locking up again, and there's a ring at the doorbell. The landlord opens the door, and looks down to see a snail sitting there. "What do you want?" asks the landlord. "What did you do that for?" replies the snail. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= God calls Bill Gates, Bill Clinton and Boris Yeltsin to his office and says "The world will end in 30 days, go back and tell your people." So Boris Yeltsin goes to the Russian people and says: "I have bad news and I have worse news....the bad news is that we were wrong... there is a god. The worse news is that world will end in 30 days." Bill Clinton goes on TV and tell the American people: "I have good news and I have bad news....The good news is that the basic family values upon which we have based our lives are right, there is a god....the bad news is that world will end in 30 days." Bill Gates goes to his executive committee and says: "I have great news and I have fabulous news...the great news is that God thinks I'm important. The fabulous news is that we don't have to ship Windows '95!" ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= An old man walks into the University Offices and says, "I'd like to enroll in a Latin course." The Dean looks at him and asks rather coyly, "How old are you, Sir?" "Ninety-three," is the reply. "Then why do you want to learn Latin, at your time in life?" "Well," the man explains, "I realize I haven't got long for this world, but if I go to Heaven I'd like to be able to speak to God and the Angels in their own language, and I'd feel more comfortable if I knew some Latin." The Dean thinks, and then asks "But what if you don't go to Heaven but go to--you know--the other place?" "That's alright--I can already speak German." ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= THE CEO A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high- tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said. Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes." ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Tourist Questions These are questions that people actually asked of Park Rangers around the country. Excerpted from Outside Magazine, May 1995, pp. 120-121. Grand Canyon National Park ------------------------------------- Was this man-made? Do you light it up at night? I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it? Is the mule train air conditioned? So where are the faces of the presidents? Everglades National Park ------------------------------- Are the alligators real? Are the baby alligators for sale? Where are all the rides? What time does the two o'clock bus leave? Denali National Park (Alaska) ---------------------------------- What time do you feed the bears? Can you show me where the yeti lives? How often do you mow the tundra? How much does Mount McKinley weigh? Mesa Verde National Park --------------------------------- Did people build this, or did Indians? Why did they build the ruins so close to the road? What did they worship in the kivas -- their own made-up religion? Do you know of any undiscovered ruins? Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado? Carlsbad Caverns National Park ------------------------------------------ How much of the cave is underground? So what's in the unexplored part of the cave? Does it ever rain in here? How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up? So what is this -- just a hole in the ground? Yosemite National Park ------------------------------- Where are the cages for the animals? What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls? Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton? Yellowstone National Park --------------------------------- Does Old Faithful erupt at night? How do you turn it on? When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep? We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits? ******************************************************************** Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us. ******************************************************************** "HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail list server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more information on Lyris, see . To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following command to : subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems, then either (1) send any message to for a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web interface at , or (3) send a *detailed* description of the problem to . To unsubscribe, visit our Web interface at or refer to your Welcome message for detailed instructions. 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