Collage 087 H u m o u r N e t 1995 And the women continue to fight back--this time with the unabridged "Why Cucumbers Are Better Than Men" list. (We can once again lay blam--er--*thanks* on Lorraine.) And rumor has it that the "Male to English" dictionary is *still* in the works (apparently being held up by a shortage of words to translate). Hopefully, this list-- appearing here as Collage 87--will keep them at bay for a while ... :-) - Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator HumourNet@telephonet.com ____________________________________________________________________ Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message. ____________________________________________________________________ SUBJ: Why CuCUMbers Are Better Than Men - the average cucumber is at least seven inches long - cucumbers stay hard for a week - a cucumber won't tell you size doesn't count - cucumbers don't get too excited - a cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety - cucumbers are easy to pick up - you can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket - ... and you know how firm it is before you take it home - you only eat cucumbers when you feel like it - no matter how you slice it, you can always have your cuke and eat it too - cucumbers can get away any weekend - with a cucumber you can get a single room - ... and you won't have to check in as "Mrs." Cucumber - a cucumber will always respect you in the morning - you can go to movie with a cucumber ... and see the movie - at a drive-in, you can stay in the front seat - a cucumber can alwsays wait until you get home - a cucumber won't eat all the popcorn or send you out to get Milk Duds - a cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival - a cucumber won't ask "Am I the first?" - cucumbers don't care if you are a virgin - cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin - cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin - with cucumbers, you don't have to be a virgin more than once - cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall - cucumbers don't have sex hangups - cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with your boots on - cucumbers aren't into leathers and chains, talking dirty, or swinging with fruits and nuts - you can have as many cucumbers as you can handle - cucumbers never need a round of applause - cucumbers won't ask: Am I the best? How was it? Did you come? How many times? - cucumbers aren't jealous of your gynecologist, ski/tennis instructors - a cucumber won't want to join your support group - a cucumber never wants to improve your mind - cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations - cucumbers won't ask about your last lover or speculate about your next one - a cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator - a cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over - no matter what age group you are in, you can always get a fresh cucumber - cucumbers can handle rejection - a cucumber won't pout if you have a headache - a cucumber won't care what time of the month it is - a cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet - with a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry - cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow - a cucumber won't give you a hickey - cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to sleep on the wet spot - Afterward, a cucumber won't: want to shake hands and be friends say, "I'll call you a cab." tell you he's not the marrying kind tell you he is the marrying kind call his mother, ex-wife, or therapist take you to confession - cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month - a cucumber won't make you go to the drugstore - cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for him - a cucumber a day keeps the ob-gyn away - a cucumber won't work your crossword in ink - a cucumber isn't allergic to your cat - with a cucumber, you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during the flu season - cucumbers never asnwer your phone or borrow your car - a cucumber won't consume all your food or liquor - a cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library - cucumbers won't go through your medicine chest - a cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray - cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor - cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub - a cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet - a cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower - with a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it - cucumbers don't compare you to a centerfold - cucumbers can't count to "10" - cucumbers don't tell you they like you better with longer hair - a cucumber will never leave you: for another woman for another man for another cucumber - a cucumber will never call and say, "I have to work late, honey." and then come home with the smell of Chanel No a 19 on him - a cucumber never snaps your bra, or pinches your butt - you always know where YOUR cucumber has been - you won't find out later that your cucumber: is married is on penicillin or has AIDS likes you, but loves your brother - a cucumber never has to call "the wife" - cucumbers never have mid-life crises - a cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move - cucumbers never have to tell you what they did while on vacation - cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do - a cucumber won't wear shorts to your office party - you don't have to wait until halftime to talk to your cucumber - a cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve - a cucumber won't take you to a disco and dump you for a flashy blonde - cucumbers never want to take you home to mom - a cucumber doesn't care if you always spend the holidays with your family - a cucumber won't ask to be put through Medical school - a cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually - cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers - a cucumber won't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy." - a cucumber won't insist the little cukes be raised catholic, jewish, or orthodox vegetarian - it's easy to drop a cucumber - a cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement, or seek custody of anything ******************************************************************** Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us. ******************************************************************** "HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail list server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. 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