Collage 088               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

Many thanks to the *still* "ever-prolific" Lorraine for the entire
contents of yet another posting--Collage 88.

Moving with blinding speed, Mike contributed this addendum to the
"Car Acronyms" in Collage 85 less than three hours after it was
posted:

	A couple more for Ford:
	  	Found On Roadside Dead
  		F**ker Only Rolls Downhill

Speaking of previous Collages, Kevin did some calculations (in his
head while sitting in traffic--show off), and suggested that the
"Man Attaches JATO Unit to Chevy Impala" is probably just another
urban legend. But it's a pretty entertaining legend, anyway ...

Although #88 contains no urban legends, it *does* have some pretty
good stuff in it. And there's just a *pile* of material still
waiting to be cut-n-pasted into future Collages, so please be
patient if you've sent me something and haven't seen it yet (my
Collage buffer is a FIRO, not a FIFO, by the way). But keep the
stuff coming in--lord knows there's way too much unused BW out
there on the 'Net ... :-)

Speaking of which, I have the *entire* script of Abbot & Costello's
"Who's On First" routine--pretty amusing, and I'm not even an A&C
fan. It's about 10K, and I can either send it as a Collage or just
post it in the HumourNet archives. If you have a preference one way
or the other, drop me an e-mail; majority will win.

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Computer Terms

assembler: a person who puts computer kits together
baud: a woman who keeps a brothel
bed of nails: where a test programer sleeps
bells and whistles: trinkets for the computer
binary: sale slogan for hair removing cream
bit: past tense of byte
buss: a mass-transit vehicle
bytes: what a vampyre does
card reader: a fortune teller
checksum: bank balance at the end of month
clock interrupt: what wakes you up in the morning
conditional branch:  a dowsing rod
cycle stealing: petty larceny
cyclic redundancy check: taking inventory at a bike shop
debug: what an exterminator does
diode: what happens to people who don't die young
disassembler: one who takes things apart
fifo: a name of a dog
floppy disk: lower back trouble
flowcharts: maps used by river boat pilots
fully integrated: see bussing
half duplex: small apartment
handshaking: state of the user after he discovers, "delete*.*;*"
hardware: e.g. helmet, gauntlets,mase etc.
hex: to cast a spell
hidden refresh: keeping the flask in the desk drawer
high-level language: spoken at summit meetings
indirect addressing: confidential mail forwarding
interface: vhere ve heil der fuehrer, (see spike jones)
memory refresh: souvenirs, slides etc.
monitor, see merrimack
mother board: see soap opera (or go shopping)
negative logic, reverse psychology
os: a mythical land, see wizard of...
parameters: device for measuring two voltages at the same time
parity bit: having two guests over for tea
personal computing: kinky computer dating service
program counter: software librarian
prom: a social event for adolescents
ram: los angeles football player
random access storage: e.g. an attic
real time: length of a movie
rectifier: the result of a collision with a gas truck
regulator: e.g. prunes
rom: a gypsy man
scan: a garbage receptacle ( s. can)
software: polyester double knit
state of the art: new york
straightforward: basketball player not on coke
subroutine: u-boat drill
transistor: when your sister gets dressed up like a guy
twos complement: praise from two people
utility: e.g. gas,water etc.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More Definitions

What do you call a cow that has undergone an abortion?
        Decaffeinated. (decalfinated)

What do you call a Czechoslovakian abortion?
        A canceled Czech.

What do you call a basement full of JAP's?
        A whine cellar.

How do you sink an Italian submarine?
        Dive down and knock on the door.

What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
        Not enough sand.

What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
        Hot, cross bunnies.

What is a 7 course Irish dinner?
        A six-pack and a potato.

Why did the hospital poker game come to an abrupt end?
        The leper threw in his hand.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

In March, eight Connecticut legislators, and almost three dozen other
guests, became ill, with diarrhea and stomach cramps, from eating food at a
reception sponsored by lobbyists for the Connecticut Food Assoc.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Shortly before retiring as president of the EU, Jacques Delors was
very worried about the future of his dream of a one nation, single-
currency Europe. He went to church to ask God for an answer.

"God", he asked, "will Europe ever become united?"

God answered Jacques as he slept the following night.

"Jacques, I have good news and bad news ...
Yes, Europe will become united ... but not in my lifetime."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

A farmer and his wife were checking into a hotel in a large
Texas city.

"What time do you have your meals around here?" the farmer asked.

"We serve breakfast from 7 to 11," said the clerk, "lunch from 12 to
3 and dinner from 6 to 8."

"Wait just a cotton pickin' minute," said the farmer, "When are we
gonna have time to see the town?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

An Arkansan was on a sea cruise when he fell overboard in
shark-infested waters.  Desperately trying to think of what to do,
he remembered that when he was young and foolish, he'd gotten a
tattoo in Texas.  Pulling off his shirt, he revealed a tattoo that
said, "Texas is God's paradise." The sharks immediately turned away.

Said one of the sharks, "Even we couldn't swallow that!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

A husband is a man who wishes he had as much fun when he is out
as his wife thinks he does.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Q: What do you call a clairvoyant midget who just broke out of prison?
A: A small medium at large.

Q: Why do men have legs?
A: To keep their brains from dragging on the ground.

Q: What did the cornstalk say to the pecan tree?
A: I'd rather have my ears pulled than my nuts crushed.

Q: What does an old Italian woman have between her breasts that a
   young Italian woman doesn't?
A: Her navel.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

There once was a man with a permanent erection.  try as he could, he
couldn't get it to go down.  Finally, he went to his local pharmacy,
where he encountered a female pharmacist.  "I'd like to speak to the
male pharmacist," he said.

She said, "I'm a professional.  I run this pharmacy with my sister,
who is also a professional.  Anything you can tell a man, you can
tell us."

"O.K.," he said.  "I have a permanent erection.  What can you give
me for it?"

"Hmmm," she replied, "I'll go into the back and confer with my
sister." After a minute, she returned to the counter and said,
"We'll give you $25,000 and half the business."

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