Collage 089               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

According to this morning's radio traffic report:  "The backup on
Route 270 was caused by a vehicle colliding with a Crown Books
truck;  apparently, the truck was carrying a load of Roget's
thesauruses*.  Witnesses at the scene reported being appalled,
horrified, aghast, confounded, alarmed, dismayed, astonished,
dumbfounded and overwhelmed."

They really have to start limiting that traffic reporter's
caffeine intake.

And so goes the introduction to Collage 89; credits for this one
are awarded to Robert for the "Watch List" piece, and to Lorraine
for, oh, for everything else.

So far, votes are heavily in favor of sending the A&C "Who's On
First" as a Collage; it should be coming soon to a mailbox near
you ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com

* Or "thesauri."

____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

           SEVEN SOFTWARE COMPANIES ADDED TO "WATCH LIST"

New York--People for the Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS)
announced today that seven more software companies have been added
to the group's "watch list" of companies that regularly practice
software testing.

"There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way just so
that companies like these can market new products," said Ken
Granola, spokesperson for PETS.  "Alternative methods of testing
these products are available."

According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthy
and arduous tests, often without rest, for hours or days at a time.
Employees are assigned to "break" the software by any means
necessary, and inside sources report that they often joke about
"torturing" the software.

It is no joke, said Granola.  Innocent programs, from the day they
are compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and crashed for hours on
end.  They spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained
computers, and are unceremoniously deleted when they are not needed
anymore.

Granola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is
infested with bugs.

We know alternatives to this horror exist, he said, citing industry
giant Microsoft Corporation as a company that has become extremely
successful without resorting to software testing.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

One day an old Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, has his last light
bulb burn out.  To get a new one he'll have to stand in line for two
hours at the store (and they'll probably be out by the time he gets
there), so he goes up to his attic and starts rummaging around for
an old oil lamp he vaguely remembers seeing.

He finds the old brass lamp in the bottom of a trunk that has seen
better days.  He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in
cloud of smoke.

"Hoho, Mortal!" sez the genie, stretching and yawning, "For
releasing me I will grant you three wishes."

The old man thinks for a moment, and says, "I want Genghis Khan
resurrected.  I want him to re-unite his Mongol hordes, march to the
Polish border, and then decide he doesn't want the place and march
back home."

"No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie.  "Your second wish?"

"Ok.  I want Genghis Khan resurrected.  I want him to re-unite his
Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, and then decide he
doesn't want the place and march back home."

"Hmmm.  Well, all right.  Your third wish?"

"I want Genghis Khan resurrected.  I want him to re-unite his ---"

"OK OK OK.  Right.  What's this business about Genghis Khan marching
to Poland and turning around again?"

The old man smiles.  "He has to pass through Russia six times."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: MANAGEMENT REVIEW OF WRITING STYLE

QUESTION:  How many feet do mice have?

ORIGINAL REPLY:  Mice have four feet.
MANAGEMENT'S COMMENT:  Elaborate!

REVISION 1:  Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
MANAGEMENT'S COMMENT:  No discussion of 5th appendage!

REVISION 2:  Mice have five appendages;  four of them are feet;  one
is a tail.
MANAGEMENT'S COMMENT:  What?  Feet with no legs?

REVISION 3:  Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per
unit-mouse.
MANAGEMENT'S COMMENT:  Confusing--is that a total of 9 appendages?

REVISION 4:  Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail
assembly per body.
MANAGEMENT'S COMMENT:  Does not fully discuss the issue!

REVISION 5:  Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail.
Each leg is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body;  the
tail is not equipped with a foot.
MANAGEMENT'S COMMENT:  Descriptive?  Yes.  Forceful? NO!

REVISION 6:  Allotment of appendages for mice will be:  Four
foot-leg assemblies, one tail.  Deviation from this policy is not
permitted as it would constitute misapportionment of scarce
appendage assets.
MANAGEMENT'S COMMENT:  Too authoritarian; stifles creativity!

REVISION 7:  Mice have four feet;  each foot is attached to a small
leg joined integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system.
Also attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional
and ornamental in nature.
MANAGEMENT'S COMMENT:  Too verbose/scientific.  Answer the question!

FINAL REVISION APPROVED BY MANAGEMENT:  Mice have four feet.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

And the story goes:  Two old men were walking around the block on a
nice summer evening.  They had been friends a long time and shared
many experiences.  They noticed a big German Shepherd dog laying out
on a lawn;  the dog was licking his balls.  One of the old men,
noticing what the dog was doing, commented to his friend, "You know
there are times I wish I could to that." His friend thought a minute
and responded, "Maybe you ought to pet him first ..."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Woman Gets Rich w/o Resorting to Shady Real-Estate Deals

A rather elderly lady carrying a soiled lunchbag walked into the
main offices of the Chase Manhattan Bank, went to the nearest
teller's window, plunked down the bag, and said, "I wish to make a
deposit, but beforehand I'd like to meet with the President of the
bank"

The clerk was about to explain that this was quite impossible, when
a quick count showed there to be somewhat over 3 million dollars in
cash in the sack!

Flabbergasted at the amount, he called upstairs to the President's
office and explained the situation to his secretary who relayed it
to her boss.  The old lady was ushered upstairs into the President's
office and introductions were made.

Wondering how this old lady had come by such a tidy sum, the
President inquired:

"Are you in the stock market?"

"No"

"Play the horses then...?"

"No ...  actually I do wager, but I prefer to bet on people."

"I see." said the President.

"Yes," continued the old lady,...."As a matter of fact, I will wager
you $25,000.00 dollars that by tomorrow morning at 9 O'clock your
balls will be square!"

Speculating that he could not possibly lose the bet, the President
said, "I'll have to take you up on that one!" He and the old lady
shook hands and parted company.

 The President was very careful the rest of the day and did not go
out that evening to avoid risk.  Next morning as he was showering,
he checked himself and all was as it should be.  He went to work
humming!

At exactly 9 O'clock the old lady was again shown into the
President's office only this time accompanied by a distinguished
looking gentleman in an expensive suit.

The woman explained, "This is Mr.  Bartelby my attorney, I always
bring him along when dealing in large sums."

The President acknowledged the lawyer and then said, "Well I hate to
tell you this, but I am the same as yesterday only $25,000.00
richer!"

The old lady asked for proof, and in light of the sum involved, the
President agreed to drop his trousers to allow the old lady to grasp
his scrotum.

At this point the attorney started to bang his head against the
President's desk with vigor.

"What's wrong with him?" asked the President.

"Oh him," said the woman, "I bet him $100,000.00 yesterday that by
9:15 tomorrow I would have the President of Chase Manhattan Bank by
the balls!"

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