Collage 093               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

From the home office in Adelphi, MD, it's Collage 93--a collection
of recent David Letterman Top Tens, provided c/o Sue Trowbridge
and the TOPTEN list (rumored to be the largest list on the 'Net).

Happy Bytes!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

> From New York: Based on a true story ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST
  for Tuesday, June 6, 1995.  And now, a man who is afraid of his
  own shadow ... David Letterman!

> From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ...

TOP TEN BOB DOLE COMPLAINTS ABOUT HOLLYWOOD

10. Why pay seven bucks to see boozing and adultery when you can
    watch Democrats for free?

 9. No Academy Award for grouchiest Senator

 8. Not enough Fonzie

 7. In "Don Juan DeMarco," Marlon Brando shows way too much cleavage

 6. Those "Baywatch" babes never seem to get it on with conservative
    old coots

 5. Why couldn't Gump shake hands with a Senate majority leader
    instead of President Kennedy?

 4. "Casper the Friendly Ghost"?  More like "Casper the Bare-Ass
    Naked Ghost"!

 3. Gets sick to stomach watching Letterman at the concession stand
    [clip of Dave at a movie theater snack bar smearing melted
    butter on his face]

 2. "Dumb and Dumber" was clearly propaganda for the Clinton/Gore
    ticket

 1. That creepy Richard Simmons

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

> From New York: How's about passing those breadsticks, sister?
  ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Wednesday, June 7, 1995.  And now,
  a man who has never been kissed on the lips ... David Letterman!

> From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ...

TOP TEN REJECTED DISNEY MOVIE TITLES

10. "101 Snoop Doggy Doggs"

 9. "Beauty and the Baldwin Brother"

 8. "Minnie's Battle with Helium Addiction"

 7. "Newt!: The Musical"

 6. "Old Yeller Hops the White House Fence"

 5. "Barry White and the Seven Dwarfs"

 4. "Mickey the Dismissed Juror"

 3. "Fievel Visits a Gay Disco"

 2. "The Parent Trap '95, Starring Lyle and Erik Menendez"

 1. "Swiss Family Buttafuoco"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

> From New York: Are you gonna finish that beer, officer? ... it's
  THE TOP TEN LIST for Friday, June 9, 1995.  And now, a man who
  will chart your horoscope for 19.99 ... David Letterman!

> From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ...

TOP TEN PROPOSED NEW BASEBALL RULES

10. Clothing optional in dugouts

 9. Infield chatter must be in the form of a question

 8. Knock out beer vendor with ball and you automatically win
    the game

 7. Extra outs for every person on your team named "Mookie",
    "Scooter" or "Pee Wee"

 6. Games will not start until the players' drugs have kicked in

 5. No more keeping your eye on the ball

 4. Goodbye Gatorade, hello Riunite!

 3. If catcher snags your pop foul, he gets to make out with your
    wife in the stands for awhile

 2. No team roster may include more than two dismissed Simpson
    jurors

 1. Reach a base.  Do a shot.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

> From New York: We've got a statue from France ... it's THE TOP TEN
  LIST for Monday, June 12, 1995.  And now, a man who's freshly
  manicured ... David Letterman!

> From the home office in Grand Rapids, Michigan ...

TOP TEN THINGS NEWT & CLINTON SAID TO EACH OTHER UNDER THEIR BREATH

10. "Quit hoggin' the nachos, you right-wing bastard!"

 9. "What kind of doofus name is 'Newt', anyway?"

 8. "Hey Bill, where can I get me a pair of them giant jogging
    shorts?"

 7. "As president, do you think you can get me Batman's autograph?"

 6. "Let's pick it up -- I have to get back to flip-flopping on
    foreign policy"

 5. "Man, oh man, we're two tubby mothers ain't we?"

 4. "Don't worry. After Nov. '96, people jumping the White House
    fence won't be your problem"

 3. "Try deep-frying a Snickers bar, and thank me later"

 2. "The latest poll shows 53% of New Hampshirites think your ass
    is bigger than mine"

 1. "Hey, Newt, sign a contract with this!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

> From New York: Won't you let us tax you? ... it's THE TOP TEN
  LIST for , June 14, 1995.  And now, a man who's stunningly quick
  in testing ... David Letterman!

> From the home office in Grand Rapids, Michigan ...

TOP TEN MICHAEL JACKSON MARRIAGE TIPS

10. Mickey Mouse ears make a great birth control device

 9. Be considerate -- try not to hog the monkey

 8. Keep the moonwalking crap to a minimum

 7. Apologize after saying something like "I wish I'd married the
    remains of the Elephant Man instead of you!"

 6. Whenever wife complains about how freakin' weird you are, show
    her a picture of Prince

 5. Make it clear that as far as she's concerned, your pants are
    "Neverland"

 4. Pretend not to notice when she flirts with other androgynous
    freaks

 3. Maintain joint account with Revlon

 2. Keep having surgery until you and your wife are identical twins

 1. Two words: beat it!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

> From New York: Home of the Tokyo Giants ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST
  for Thursday, June 15, 1995.  And now, a man who can't even spell
  DNA ... David Letterman!

> From the home office in Grand Rapids, Michigan ...

TOP TEN ORLANDO MAGIC EXCUSES

10. Didn't want Game Five, we're going to see "Batman Forever"

 9. Sometimes being so tall makes you kinda dizzy

 8. Can't prove it, but pretty sure one of the refs was a brother
    of one of the Rockets or something

 7. Too busy tying yellow ribbons 'round old oak trees (that's a
    Tony Orlando excuse)

 6. Couldn't concentrate after hearing Michael and Lisa Marie
    actually do it

 5. In a perfect world, Connie would still be doing CBS news

 4. Ran out of Gatorade and had to use bugs and rainwater

 3. Anfernee Hardaway didn't score enough bafkets

 2. Yeah, like we want to go to the White House and get our ass
    shot at

 1. What do we care, we're already in Disneyworld!

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