Collage 094 H u m o u r N e t 1995
Welcome to Collage 94, a tribute to the intellect of the species.
And speaking of intellect: You've probably heard of "Mensa,"
the "high-I.Q." organization ... well, to announce the opening
of their new chapter in Malta, the Maltese Mensans issued a press
release. The one-page statement contained five spelling errors,
and was dated May 31, 1996. (This tidbit is attributed to WRQX,
a local Washington, D.C., radio station.)
Credits for this issue go to Bill for the "Models" piece, and
to Alberto for the "Blonde Jokes." (The complete set of blonde
jokes is available from HumourNet's FTP archives. And stay
tuned--there's a Web page in the works.)
Cheers!
- Vince Sabio
HumourNet Moderator
HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
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SUBJ: Super-Model Super Smarts
(These are actual quotes from various super models)
ON SELF-KNOWLEDGE
"Everywhere I went, my cleavage followed. But I learned I am not my
cleavage."
-- Carole Mallory
ON GEOPOLITICS
"Mick Jagger and I just really liked each other a lot. We talked all
night. We had the same views on nuclear disarmament."
-- Jerri Hall
ON POVERTY
"Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery."
-- Beverly Johnson
ON FATE
"I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that."
-- Christie Brinkley
(Editors note: if a model was ever John's type.........)
ON COURAGE
"They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh my
God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind."
-- Cindy Crawford
ON PSYCHOLOGY
"I loved making 'Rising Sun.' I got into the psychology of why she liked
to get strangled and tied up in plastic bags. It has to do with low
self worth."
-- Tatjana Patitz
ON ARRIVING
"Because modeling is lucrative, I'm able to save up and be more particular
about the acting roles I take."
-- Kathy Ireland, star of 'Alien From L.A.' and 'Danger Island'
ON CAREER CHOICES
"My boyfriend thinks I lost my true calling to be a librarian."
-- Paulina Porizkova
ON PRIORITIES
"I would rather exercise than read a newspaper."
-- Kim Alexis
ON INNER STRENGTH
"I love the confidence that makeup gives me."
-- Tyra Banks
ON DEATH
"Richard doesn't really like me to kill bugs, but sometimes I can't
help it."
-- Cindy Crawford
ON TRAVEL
"I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven't seen
anything. I don't really care."
-- Tyra Banks
ON BREAKTHROUGHS
"Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in volleyball
and modeling."
-- Gabrielle Reece
ON EPIPHANY
"I just found out that I'm one inch taller than I thought."
-- Christie Brinkley
[Editors note: this could also be used to John's advantage ...]
ON HEREDITY
"My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him, 'What
if she's ugly? You're ugly.'"
-- Beverly Johnson
ON THE BASICS
"It's very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you
throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it's not inspiring for your workout."
-- Cheryl Tiegs
ON INTRODUCTIONS
"I think most people are curious about what it would be like to be able to
meet yourself--it's eerie."
-- Christy Turlington
ON COURTSHIP
"The soundtrack to 'Indecent Exposure' is a romantic mix of music that I
know most women love to hear, so I never keep it far from me when women
are nearby."
-- Fabio
ON PARADOX
"Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone."
-- Tatjana Patitz
ON THE CONSERVATION OF MATTER
"I've looked in the mirror every day for 20 years. It's the same face."
-- Claudia Schiffer
ON TRAGEDY
"The worst was when my skirt fell down to my ankles--but I had on thick
tights underneath."
-- Naomi Campbell
ON INSTINCT
"If I'm making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out and eat some
crackers."
-- Carol Alt
ON THE CASTE SYSTEM
"We're not Prince Charles and Princess Di. We don't think of ourselves as
royalty. We happen to be working people."
-- Christie Brinkley
ON OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS
"I tried on 250 bathing suits in one afternoon and ended up having little
scabs up and down my thighs, probably from some of those with sequins all
over them."
-- Cindy Crawford
ON ECONOMICS
"I don't wake up for less than $10,000 a day."
-- Linda Evangelista
ON ZEN
"When I model I'm pretty blank. You can't think too much or it doesn't
work."
-- Paulina Porizkova
ON LOGIC
"I think, If my butt's not too big for them to be photographing it, then
it shouldn't be too big for me."
-- Christy Turlington
ON BODY PARTS
"I don't know what to do with my arms. It just makes me feel weird and I
feel like people are looking at me and that makes me nervous."
-- Tyra Banks
ON BODY LANGUAGE
"You can usually tell when I'm happy by the fact that I've gained weight."
-- Christy Turlington
ON DEPRIVATION
"If they had Nautilus on the Concorde, I would work out all the time."
-- Linda Evangelista
ON MOTIVATION
"It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to,
and I would."
-- Kate Moss
ON VERSATILITY
"I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak."
-- Linda Evangelista
ON THE GRIEF PROCESS
"When my Azzedine jacket from 1987 died, I wrapped it up in a box,
attached a note saying where it came from and took it to the Salvation
Army. It was a big loss."
-- Veronica Webb
ON VENGEANCE
"Girls are always getting mad at each other and they tell their
hairdresser to purposely mess up another girl's hair."
-- Tasha
ON BATTING .667
"I'm a pretty girl who's a model who doesn't suck as an actress."
-- Cameron Diaz
========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================
SUBJ: More Blonde Jokes
How do you drive a blonde crazy?
--Hide her hairbrush.
Why do you take a blonde shopping with you?
--So you can park in the handicapped spaces.
What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair?
--Artificial intelligence.
How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
--Wave.
How did the blonde get hurt raking leaves?
--She fell out of the tree
What goes VROOM! SCREECH! VROOM! SCREECH! VROOM!
--A blonde at a flashing red light.
What does a blonde say when she finds out she's pregnant?
--Gee, I hope it's mine.
What do you do if a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
--Pull the pin and throw it back.
What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?
--Rebel without a clue
Why can't blondes fart?
--They don't shut up long enough to build up the pressure.
What do you call a dozen blondes in the freezer?
--Frosted Flakes.
How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
--13. 1 to make the batter, and 12 to peel the m&m's.
What is the definition of gross ignorance?
--144 blondes.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
--Gifted.
What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
--People have seen UFOs.
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