Collage 098               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

Hello all, and welcome to Collage 98. Normally, this would be one
of the bi-weekly "THIS is TRUE" collages, but Randy Cassingham
decided that we've grown too much to be considered a "small"
list anymore. So, for those of you who enjoyed "TRUE," I recommend
that you subscribe to Randy's list directly; here are the subscription
instructions, right from the most recent edition of TRUE:

  TO RECEIVE "THIS is TRUE" every week free by e-mail, send e-mail
  to listserv@netcom.com with the message: "subscribe this-is-true"
  (without quotes) -- please, nothing else on the line.

Speaking of growing, we now number more than 60, including nearly
20 states and (at last count) seven countries. To eliminate the
subscription-management tedium, there is a Majordomo site on the
horizon--those of you who are already subscribed will be carried
over, though, so you won't have to re-subscribe. I'll keep you
posted on developments.

Okay, so much for the administrative B.S. ... on to Collage 98.

The "Church Bulletins" piece is something of an adulterated repeat
from Collage 07. It does contain some new material, though, so it
warranted a repeat performance. And continuing on the religion
theme, we have more "Unitarian Universalist" (UU) humor, followed
by a snippet from the Los Angeles Times ("God and the Legislative
Branch"). Kudos for all of these are due to Nancy, our resident
UU fundamentalist. :-)

Many thanks to Terry--making her HumourNet debut, I believe--for
the "Special High-Intensity Training" piece (a "must read").

And finally, this Collage takes a wrap with a few entertaining mail
sigs picked out of the SuperHumorway roadside litter.

Remember, I will be gone for most of July, so Collage distribution
will be even more sporadic than usual.

In the meantime ... ENJOY!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

ACTUAL ANNOUNCEMENTS TAKEN FROM CHURCH BULLETINS

1.  Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

2.  Thursday night - Potluck supper.  Prayer and medication to
follow.

3.  Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.

4.  For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.

5.  The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth
of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

6.  This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North
ends of the church.  Children will be baptized at both ends.

7.  Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social.  All
ladies giving milk will please come early.

8.  Wednesday,  the ladies Liturgy Society will meet.  Mrs. Jones
will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

9.  Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little
Mothers Club.  All wishing to become little mothers, please see
the minister in his study.

10.  This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come
forward and lay an egg on the altar.

11.  The service will close with "Little Drops of Water."  One of
the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation
will join in.

12.  Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the
cost of the new carpet.  All those wishing to do something on
the new carpet will come foreward and do so.

13.  The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind
and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

14.  A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church
hall.  Music will follow.

15.  At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What
is Hell?"  Come early and listen to our choir practice.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More UU Humor

When I was a young boy, our dog had puppies. My brother and I
put them in a box and walked around the neighborhood, looking for
people to adopt them.

We met some Catholic nuns who thought that the puppies were
beautiful.  Thinking that they might adopt one, my brother said,
"These are Catholic puppies."  The nuns thought that this was very
cute.

The nuns went to the local priest and told him about the "Catholic
puppies" that were so cute.  A few days later, the priest and nuns
were walking down the street and met my brother and me.

The priest said, "So these are the Catholic puppies that the nuns saw."

My brother replied, "No, these are Unitarian Universalist puppies."

"I thought that several days ago you told the nuns that they were
Catholic puppies," queried the priest.

"Oh, yes," my brother replied, "but then they opened their eyes."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: God and the Legislative Branch

Today's Los Angeles TIMES has a little boxed letter on its Letters
to the Editor page, titled Listening to God:

"God is not a citizen, does not have voting rights, and is not a
constituent.  Why is my congressman listening to God instead of
listening to me?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and
productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all
employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH
INTENSITY-TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more
S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the
job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the
top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled
at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in
DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.) .
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go
to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our
managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have
to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are already full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job
training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING
LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T). Those who have B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.
will get the S.H.I.T. jobs and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR
OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF
TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Anything's possible--but only a few things actually happen.

Q: What do Dead-Heads say when the acid wears off?
A: "This music SUCKS!"

I sure hope life's not some big joke, because I don't get it.

Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. ("Whatever is said in
Latin sounds profound.")

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

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