Collage 099               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

Back again, this time with Collage 99. Thanks are due to Nancy for
the "Procedurals" piece, and kudos for "Newbies &'Net Protocols"
goes to Matt. Amauri is credited with the "Lesser-Known Programming
Languages" piece. And finally, returning from vacation, the *still*
ever-prolific Lorraine proves to us (once again) that a person's
sense of humor follows her mind, with the "Construction Workers"
piece.

A quick update: the Majordomo site is almost in place, and can
currently process subscription requests. SO, here are the new
instructions:

<Deleted -- instructions are now outdated. See trailer for subscription
instructions. Contribution address below has been updated, as well.>

To unsubscribe: send "unsubscribe humournet" (along with $5 for
processing :-) to the list address.

Finally, contributions can now be mailed to <HumorNet@bgu.edu>.
Note that this is basically a moderated list, so your submission
goes directly to me, and is not distributed to the list until
(and unless) it is included in a Collage.

And now, back to our regularly-scheduled program ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com

P.S.--Just kidding about the $5 ... the judge made me promise that
I wouldn't do that anymore. :-(
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: A Learned Disquisition on Procedurals

I have taken the hint from some email demands that I supply a
definition of the police procedural mystery novel, along the lines
of what I have already done for cozies, hardboiled novels,
hystorical mysteries, and the locked room convention.  The rules for
police procedurals, unfortunately, are very strict, allowing for
almost no license on the part of the author, so the following may
strike subscribers as somewhat cold-hearted or even poetically
stingy.  Tough.

A MANUAL FOR THE PROCEDURAL NOVEL

1.  The protagonists are cops.

2.  The word "unit" has no sexual or anatomical
    connotation in these novels, as in "calling
    all units, we need backup on Astoria Boulevard."

3.  The jacket of the procedural must include one
    blurb that fairly shouts "FRESH AS TODAY'S
    HEADLINES."

4.  The cover art of procedurals always features a
    unit, usually rendered in blue and white, with
    a bubble gum machine on top.

5.  The squad room must be populated by what is
    known as the "rainbow shift" or "Doppler's
    Revenge."  The cops must represent every ethnic
    group under the sun.  To omit even ONE minority
    is to break the rules of the procedural, and you
    will find that you have produced a book that does
    not fit this category and may be eligible for a
    National Book Award.

6.  The cops do not mind that the crooks are all
    wealthy, even though the goods are ill-gotten.
    Cops don't care about tainted money because they
    have something even better:  Mastercards.

7.  The cops in procedurals do not use their units,
    as sex is NOT ALLOWED in this genre.  At least,
    not good sex.

8.  Despite rule #6, at least one cop must be corrupt,
    accepting bribes, or sifting through evidence bags
    for a roach or two, or moonlighting as a school
    superintendent.

9.  The Cops drink to excess and the result is precocious
    paunches and the kind of hangover historically only
    produced by Cecil B. DeMille. You'd drink also if you
    had only two years to go until retirement and the new
    Republican mayor is balancing the budget through
    cutbacks on the force.

10. Procedurals take place in big cities because small
    towns do not have criminals any worse than aluminum
    siding salesmen.

11. Readers of procedurals have the right to remain silent.

12. Reviewers of procedurals have the right to
    representation by a public defender who was once a
    hotshot courtroom lawyer but is now making his way
    slowly back into the legal field after a bout with
    alcoholism or repeated sexual misconduct with the
    jury pool.
    These losers, who must wear threadbare brown suits,
    almost never win their cases.

13. It is essential that the crime be a BIG ONE.  A single
    murder or DUI is beneath the squad room's attention
    and is handled by "uniforms."  The BIG CRIME typically
    involves the "syndicate" or labor racketeering or
    narcotics or loan sharking or extortion or point
    shaving in the NBA or following a fire apparatus too
    closely; in other words -- anything that will cause
    Internal Affairs to stock extra Tums.  The hideous
    irony is that the sub-plot being worked by the
    lowlife uniforms always provides the key to the
    final solution of the BIG CRIME.

14. Before the hideous irony is revealed, the cops attempt
    to solve the crime through the use of PROCEDURES:
    wiretapping, cross-dressing, the chain of evidence,
    off track betting, MO's, makes, police brutality,
    stool pigeons, disobeying one's commanding officer,
    rap sheets, sirens, eating doughnuts, talking about the
    "perp," marrying the Don's sister, and driving a Ford
    Crown Victoria with radiator problems.

15. The language of procedurals is impossible to understand
    if the reader has not graduated from a decent police
    academy. Often, numerals do the work of words, as in
    "86," "Ten-Four," "That's a .357 Magnum," "I'm calling
    from a pay phone outside a 7-11," and "Unit 41 to
    dispatcher; we're going on a 10-91A."  (I looked it up,
    and a 10-91A is a "noisy animal complaint.")

16. Finally, readers do not take these books seriously if
    the books appear to have been written by a woman.
    Therefore, women wishing to write police procedurals
    adopt the practice of using their initials instead of
    their given names, especially if those initials are E.W.
    Or Y.A.  Although I may have that one mixed up with a
    different genre.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Newbie E-Mail Attempts

--- From Usenet comp.sys.mac.comm ---

>> New to the net, I would like to send a message to somebody I know in
>> England. I know his E-mail address, but it seems to be incomplete or
>> erroneous: it's "Joshua 24:15B". Does it mean something to anybody ?
>
> That's not an email address.  It's a Bible verse.

Classic! My previous favorite was:

>>I tried sending email to 1.404.123.4567 but the emailer wouldn't let
>>me.
>
>Excuse me, dear, but that's a telephone number.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Lesser-Known Programming Languages, Lesson #18: C-

This language was named for the grade received by its creator when
he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class.
C- is best described as a "low-level" programming language. In
fact, the language generally requires more C- statements than
machine-code statements to execute a given task. In this respect,
it is very similar to COBOL.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Two construction workers were sitting on the tailgate of a pickup truck
having lunch. One of the workers had a very large bandage on his hand.

The other worker exclaimed, "What on earth happended to your hand?"
He answered, "I cut my finger off."
"Oh, no! You didn't cut the WHOLE finger off did you?"
"No, the one next to it," said the worker ...

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