Collage 101               H u m o u r N e t               21 JUL 95

The latest addition to the Stupid Criminal Hall of Shame piece
(Collage 80) is a man named Jeff M.  of Hagerstown, MD.  Seems Jeffy
was caught driving while intoxicated, and was promptly arrested by
Maryland's finest so he could have some private time to sober up a
little.  As he was leaving the police station, however, Jeff decided
to "thank" the arresting officer for his services by dropping his
trousers--while facing the officer--and making a gesture which would
probably be understood by, say, Hugh Grant.  :-) Jeffy was promptly
arrested *again*, and charged with indecent exposure.

Some people just don't take hints very well ...

And so we come to Collage 101, with kudos duly noted as follows:

Thanks to Mike for the "Man on the Moon" piece. (BTW, Mike does not
attest to the veracity of the story.) Thanks to John for the "Revised
Retirement Plan," and to Jen for the "Male-to-English Dictionary"
(the "M-to-E Dictionary will be evolving: please feel free to send
additions to dictionary, and I will run it periodically as it grows).
Also, thanks to Marc for the "Degradation of NOMEX Flight Suits"
piece, and to Lorraine for the "Engineering Humor" joke.

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

Subject: Man on the Moon

It seems when Armstrong walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous
"One Step for Man," etc.  statement, but followed it by several remarks.
It ended with "Good luck, Mr.  Gorsky." Over the years many people have
questioned him as to what the "Mr.  Gorsky" statement meant.  Two weeks
ago, while answering questions following a speech, he finally responded.

It seems Mr.  Gorsky had finally died and so Armstrong felt he could
answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing ball.  His brother hit a fly which
landed in front of the Gorskys' bedroom window.  As he leaned down to
pick it up, he heard Mrs.  Gorsky shouting at Mr.  Gorsky.  "Oral sex,
oral sex you want?  You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on
the moon!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

July 21, 1995

To:        ALL EMPLOYEES
From:      PERSONNEL DEPARTMENT
Subject:   REVISED RETIREMET PLAN

As a result of the constant pressure to control costs, we are forced
to reduce our current number of employees.

Older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus
permitting the retention of our younger people who represent the
company's future.

Therefore, a program to phase out our older personnel by the end of
the current fiscal year, via retirement, is being initiated
immediately.  This program will be known as Retire Aged Personnel
Early (RAPE).

Employees who have been placed on the potential RAPE list can
request a review of their employment records before the actual RAPE
occurs.  This phase ofthe new policy is called Survey Capabilities
of Retiring Early Workers (SCREW).

An employee who is scheduled for RAPE, whether or not he has
requested a SCREW, may request a review of his case by upper
management.  This plan is called the Study by Higher Authority For
Termination (SHAFT).  Under the terms of the new policy, an employee
can be SCREWED twice, with or without request, SHAFTED as many times
as the Company finds necessary, but may only be RAPED once.

If an employee follows the above procedures, he or she will be
entitled to receive Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early
Severance (HERPES) or Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payments (CLAP)
following the RAPE, unless he or she already has Additional Income
from Dependents or Spouse (AIDS).  Since HERPES and CLAP are
considered benefit plans, any employee who receives HERPES or CLAP
as a result of his RAPE will no longer be eligible to be SCREWED or
SHAFTED.

Management wishes to assure those younger employees who are not
eligible to be RAPED, SCREWED, or SHAFTED that the Company has not
forgotten them.  To ensure the motivation and morale of our younger
employees, the Company has also instituted a new program called
Special High Intensity Training (SHIT), discussed in a previous memo
(reference memo "Collage 98," July 17, 1995).  The Company takes
great pride in the amount of SHIT our employees will receive.  We
are committed to giving more SHIT to the employees than any other
Company.  Each employee should contact his supervisor immediately.
All supervisors have been trained to make sure the employees
receives all the SHIT they can possibly handle.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Male-to-English Dictionary

   Male                               English

I'm almost done                     I'll be starting in a few minutes
I'll get to it soon                 (better do it yourself)
A few seconds                       30-90 minutes
A few minutes                       2-4 hours
A few hours                         A few days
I'm running to the store            I'll be at the bar if you need me
I love you                          I want to have sex with you
Of *course* I love you              Go away, you're bothering me
I'm sorry                           Can we have sex now?
I'll never do it again, I promise   I'm not sure what I did, but I REALLY
                                       hate these discussions
Who, HER???? She's ugly!            I'd jump her in an instant
You look great                      You're wearing clothes, now let's go
No, you're not fat at all           You're fat, but I wouldn't get any
                                      for WEEKS if I said that

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Tues 4-Sep-90  12:29 EDT Sys 150
Subject: DEGRADATION OF NOMEX FLIGHT SUITS
PASS TO: STATE ADJUTANT GENERAL

Further tests conducted at the laboratories reveal that methane gas
has an accumulative effect on Nomex material and is directly
proportional to the moisture content of the gas.  Therefore para
3-23 is changed as follows:  "If the Nomex has been subjected to 100
or more such exposures to gastro-intestinal vapor attacks that the
Nomex must be subjected to a stress test.  This test consists of
firmly grasping the seat of the pants with both hands and firmly
tugging.  If the seam and material stays intact, the Nomex is
servicable.  Repeat this procedure with every 50 attacks."

The procedure is invalid if any gastro-intestinal vapor attack feels
wet to the touch.

Forscom msg Aug 90 is quoted in its entirety for clarification:

A.  Recent tests conducted at the laboratories reveal that methane
gas degrades the fire retardant properties of Nomex.  To prevent
abmormal wear of Nomex and unnecessary risk to crew members, para
3-23 is changed as follows:  "No one wearing Nomex is authorized to
relieve himself of gastro-intestinal vaporous accumulations without
first removing his Nomex flight suit to that portion of the legs
below the knees."

B.  This change should not be construed to allow crew members to
arbitrarily "moon" innocent passers-by.  The utmost discretion must
be used by all crew members.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Engineering Joke

Three engineering students were having a debate on what kind of
engineer could have designed the human body.

The first student proposed, "It had to be a Mechanical Engineer.
Check out those hydraulic systems, pipes, pistons, levers, and so
on!"

"Nah," replied the second student, "I think it was an Electrical
Engineer.  Look at that elaborate system of wiring we call nerves,
and the way they're connected to the brain!"

"You're both wrong!" retorted the third student.  "I say it was a
Civil Engineer.  Who else would have run a waste water treatment
system through a recreation area?"

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