Collage 102               H u m o u r N e t                2 AUG 95

First order of business: apologies ...

	* For the spelling errors in Collage 101. I was rushing
	  to get it completed and sent before the VAX was shut
	  down for the weekend (blame Nancy for that one :-).

	* To anyone who has had trouble accessing Colossus over
	  the last several weeks. The server has been experiencing
	  some Colossal problems over the past few weeks. Hope-
	  fully, it's fully back on line now, but there are no
	  guarantees ...

And now, back to our regularly-scheduled program ...

Well, we're still several weeks short of a verdict, but here is
the not-very-comprehensive list of O.J. jokes, anyway. Thanks go
to the "Letterman Top Ten" mailing list and to J.D. for the
material. (J.D. also gets kudos for acquiring his pilot's
license--just *terrible*, the effects of those FAA cutbacks, huh?)

If you have more O.J. material, send it along, and I'll include it
in future Collages.

For now, it's Collage 102 ... Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

O.J. ALIBIS - "I COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT..."

10. "I was downtown getting my knife sharpened."

9. "I was taking a nap while golfing in the rain taking a shower."

8. "I was getting my Bronco washed."

7. "I can't even stand the sight of blood."

6. "Hey! Knives just aren't my style."

5. "I was at McDonald's. You can even ask the President."

4. "I was home watching the "Naked Gun" again. (That Nordberg really
cracks me up!)"

3. "I was at the laundromat washing my clothes."

2. "I never touched Nicole! Ask Ron!"

1. "I was out joy-riding with Al."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Q: What did O.J. Simpson's wife say to Ron Goldman when they arrived
in Heaven?
A: See, I told you if you <had oral sex with> me the *juice* would
kill you!

-----

When O.J.'s DNA blood tests came back, his lawyers told him there was
some good news and some bad news:

O.J.: "Tell me the bad news first."
LAWYERS: "The tests prove your blood was all over the crime scene and
on the victims--it was an exact match. You'll probably get the chair!"
O.J.: "What *good* news could there possibly be?"
LAWYERS: "Your cholesterol is under 180."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

TOP TEN THINGS THAT WILL GET YOU KICKED OFF THE O.J. JURY

10. Ask for a conjugal visit with F. Lee Bailey

 9. Giggle uncontrollably every time someone says "subpoena"

 8. Goose the bailiff

 7. Every time anyone even mentions the name O.J., yell "The
    Juiceman!"

 6. Get a lift to the courthouse from Al Cowlings

 5. Keep asking, "When do we get to meet the Menendez brothers?"

 4. Wear a "D'Amato for Senate" button

 3. Stand up and yell, "Where the hell's Wapner?"

 2. Drop your pants and say "Dismiss THIS!"

 1. Keep frisking yourself

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

TOP TEN WAYS TO SPEED UP THE O.J. TRIAL

10. Every time a lawyer objects, F. Lee Bailey must remove an
    article of clothing

 9. Forget the jury and just settle the damn thing with a "Hard
    Copy" viewers poll

 8. Cut week-long "going away" parties for dismissed jurors

 7. Put Judge Ito in a Batman suit, sit back and watch my man Lance
    do some justice!

 6. Leave the glove-modeling to Cindy Freakin' Crawford

 5. Bring in Wapner -- that dude can handle two whole cases in a
    half an hour!

 4. Limit prosecution to one massive screw-up per day

 3. Threaten jury by saying, "If you don't come up with a verdict
    soon, we're gonna send you on a Carnival Cruise"

 2. Submit into evidence a photo of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie
    doin' it

 1. Eliminate Happy Hour

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

TOP TEN SIGNS O.J.'S LAWYERS HAVE GIVEN UP

10. Every couple minutes, F. Lee Bailey yells, "I call Jack Daniels
    to the stand!"

 9. Call recesses to ask O.J. "Got any ideas, genius?"

 8. Incriminating evidence is held up and they say "Wow!  A bloody
    glove!  Cool!"

 7. Answer all prosecution objections with "Whatever"

 6. When O.J. asks how it's going, they chuckle and say, "Promise
    you won't kill me?"

 5. Already begun asking the Menendez brothers how much money they
    have

 4. Just ordered the Juice a custom-tailored Armani suit with
    vertical stripes

 3. Their "surprise witness" turns out to be this guy [photo of
    tattoo artist from sketch earlier in show]

 2. Just placed large "no refunds" signs on defense table, facing
    O.J.

 1. Johnnie Cochran frequently gives Juror #4 the finger

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