Collage 104               H u m o u r N e t                3 AUG 95

I've been away for the better part of a month, and I have about
250K of submissions waiting to find their way into Collages; thus,
I'll be clearing out much of the backlog over the next coupla days.

Speaking of backlog, the lion's share of it is c/o Lorraine, having
cleared out her OWN backlog after being away for a month. So, with
kudos to the still-ever-prolific Lorraine, here is Collage 104
(another Lorraine exclusive).

Happy Reading!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

An old man, vacationing in Las Vegas, decides to visit a brothel, as
it has been a long time since he's had any. After paying the madam,
he picks out a cute little blonde girl, and they go upstairs. After
the preliminaries, he climbs on and starts humping away, and hollers
out, "How am I doing, honey?" She replies, "About three nots."

He says, "Three knots? What does that mean?"

She says, "You're not in, you're not hard, and you're not getting
your money back!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

TOP TEN REJECTED DISNEY MOVIE TITLES

10. "101 Snoop Doggy Doggs"

 9. "Beauty and the Baldwin Brother"

 8. "Minnie's Battle with Helium Addiction"

 7. "Newt!: The Musical"

 6. "Old Yeller Hops the White House Fence"

 5. "Barry White and the Seven Dwarfs"

 4. "Mickey the Dismissed Juror"

 3. "Fievel Visits a Gay Disco"

 2. "The Parent Trap '95, Starring Lyle and Erik Menendez"

 1. "Swiss Family Buttafuoco"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

The preacher came to call the other day. He said that at my age, I
should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him I do--all the
time. No matter where I am--in the parlor, upstairs in the
kitchen or down in the basement--I ask myself, "Now, what am I
here after?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

A man walks into a restaurant for lunch and sits down at a table.
The waiter comes over and the man orders a bowl of soup. When the
waiter brings the soup to his table, the man notices that the waiter
has his thumb stuck in the bowl of soup. The man thinks that's very
odd, but doesn't say anything to the waiter.

After finishing his soup, the man orders a cup of coffee. Once
again the man notices that the waiter has his thumb stuck in his cup
of coffee when he bring it to the table. The man's curiosity is
piqued and he asks the waiter. "What's going on here. When you
brought me my soup, you had your thumb stuck in the bowl. When you
brought me my coffee, you had your thumb stuck in the cup. What's
this all about?"

The waiter looked at the man and said. "I have arthritis in my
thumb and my doctor said I should keep it somewhere warm and moist."

The man looked at the waiter and said, "Why don't you stick it up
your butt?"

The waiter replied, "That's where I had it before you came in."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Reality is for people who can't handle Star Trek.

Of course, reality is also for people who can't handle drugs.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

It seems that, in a fit of international awareness, some southern
states were trying to make foreign language a high school
requirement. One of the opposition, a depressingly stupid lady,
stood up in a school board meeting and said "If English was good
enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Heard on '60 Minutes' 31 March (from a National Party Senator in
Queensland whose name escapes me now):  The definition of recession
is when your neighbour loses his job. The definition of depression
is when you lose your job. The definition of recovery is when Paul
Keating loses his job.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Paul Keating and his chauffeur were driving past a pig farm on a
typical pollies' tour. Suddenly a pig ran in front of the car and
was struck and killed by Keating's car. Keating told the chauffeur
he had better inform the farmer that he had killed the pig.

After about half an hour the chauffeur emerged from the
farmstead looking quite bemused.

Keating : "What took you so long?"

Chauffeur : "Well I told the farmer about his pig and he shook my
hand, the wife gave me a beer and cried for joy and the daughter
was showering me with hugs and kisses!"

Keating : "What did you say?"

Chauffeur : "All I said was that I'm Paul Keating's chauffeur and
I've just killed the pig!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Skill is successfully walking a tightrope strung between the twin
towers of New York City's World Trade Center. Intelligence is not
trying.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

An octagenarian, looking for a little fun, wanders away from his
rest home, encounters a prostitute, and propositions her.

She looks over the old coot and says, "Old man, you've had it."

"I have?" he says, "How much do I owe you?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------

The elderly gentleman went to the doctor because he hadn't been
feeling well, and his wife of many years accompanied him.

After a thorough examination, the doctor said to the old boy, "I'll
need you to bring in a stool sample, a urine sample, and a sperm
sample."

The old man, who was almost deaf, said, "What?"

The doctor repeated, "I need you to bring in a stool sample, a urine
sample, and a sperm sample."

The old guy looked at his wife and said, "What's he saying?"

His wife replies, "The doctor said to bring in a pair of your
undershorts!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

During a recent international sports meet, one of the Scottish
track and field coaches was entertaining some friends and colleagues
in his hotel room. As so often occurs the libations were used up
before it was time to end the festivities.

After receiving directions to the nearest wine/liquor store, the
Scottish coach departed the party.

Upon arriving at the store, he noticed that there were only three
or four people waiting in the edueueed

Immediately ahead of him were two heavily-bearded men dressed in
military fatigues and smoking cigars. He overhead one of them
ordering several bottles of Scotch and rum. Upon being told the
value of his purchases, the fatigue-dressed individual told the
clerk that he was with Fidel. Immediately the clerk produced a book
and had the individual sign for his purchases. To say that the
Scotsman was intrigued would be an understatement.

The other individual in front of the Scotsman proceeded to order
at least twice what his companion had ordered. Upon receipt of his
total he also told the clerk that he was with Fidel. Same book,
same procedure as the first fatigue-clad individual.

By this time the Scotsman had figured he was on to a good thing.

He ordered bottles of this, that, cigars, cigarettes etc. Upon
being presented with his bill he told the clerk that he was with
Fidel.

The clerk told him that he could not be with Fidel.

"Why not?" said the indignant Scotsman.

"Because you do not have the beard and the big cigar," the clerk
replied.

Pausing for only a moment, the Scotsman reached down, lifted up
his kilt and proudly announced, "SECRET SERVICE!!!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

A man was standing by the highway hitchhiking for a ride. A truck
pulled up, the hitchhiker opened the door and hopped in. He turned
to thank the driver for stopping, looked in the back seat, and
noticed a monkey in the back. He thought it was a bit unusual, but
just tried to ingore it.

After driving a few miles, the driver pulled out a stick and wacked
the monkey on the head. The monkey jumped into the front seat and
started sucking on the driver's--uh--personal *member*.

The hitchhiker can't believe his eyes. His jaw drops, but he says
nothing. After a few more miles, the driver pulls out the stick
again, wacks the monkey on the head, and just like before, the
monkey jumps in the front seat and repeats the same performance.

The hitchhiker still can't believe what he is seeing. He stares at
the driver in disbelief. The driver looks at him and says, "You
want to try?"

"Ok," says the hitchhiker, "but don't hit me too hard!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely says in a
small, high,voice, "Could you please take me to Times Square?"

In a thick Brooklyn accent the cabbie initiates conversation,
"Heysista, that's kinda a long drive? You mind if we, like, chat?

The nun says, "Why no my son, whatever is on your mind?"

The cabbie, "About dis celibacy thing. Are you telling me you
never think about doin' it?"

The nun, "Why certainly, my son, the thought has crossed my
mind a time or two. I am of weak human flesh you understand."

The cabbie, "Well, would you ever consider, you know,
doin'it?"

The nun, "Well, I suppose under certain conditions, in a very
unique circumstance, I might consider it."

The cabbie, "Well what would dose conditions happen to be?"

The nun, "Well, he'd have to be Catholic, unmarried and well,
certainly, he could have no children."

The cabbie, "Well, sista, today is your lucky day. I am all
three. Why do youse come on up here ... I won't even make you
really break your vows. All you gotta do is go down on me."

The nun looks around....they are awfully far away from where
anyone would recognize her ... at the next light she gets into the
front with the driver. By the next light, the nun is getting back
into the rear of the cab, and the cabbie is smiling from ear to ear.

As she settles in, the nun hears the cabbie begin to laugh.

The nun inquires, "Why, my son, what is so humorous?"

The cabbie sneers, "Sista, I got ya. I'm Protestant, I'm
married, and I got four kids."

And from the back of the cab comes the nun's low-voiced response,
"Yeah, well my name's Dave and I'm on my way to a costume party."

********************************************************************
 Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************

"HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail
list server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more information
on Lyris, see <http://www.lyris.com/>.

To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following
command to <lyris@lyris.net>:

subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country

where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems,
then either (1) send any message to <HumourNet-info@lyris.net> for
a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web
interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>, or (3) send a *detailed*
description of the problem to <Listmom@telephonet.com>.

To unsubscribe, visit our Web interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>
or refer to your Welcome message for detailed instructions.

For instructions on contributing to HumourNet, send any message to
<contribution-guidelines@lyris.net>.

>>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors,
not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the
text wherever possible. <<<

The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP:

    Web: <http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/>
    FTP: <ftp://ftp.humournet.com/pub/HumourNet/Collage.Archives/>

Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that
1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line
containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer,
and 2) no fee is charged.

There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a
copy of them, send any message to <posting-guidelines@lyris.net>, or
refer to your Welcome message.

********************************************************************
    "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
********************************************************************
</collage104>