Collage 105               H u m o u r N e t                3 AUG 95

This afternoon, we broke the 100-subscriber mark (not bad for a
list that was started as an informal exchange among a group of
friends less than a year ago). To mark the milestone, I have
sent the 101st subscriber a bill for US$101. :-) In other stats,
we currently span a dozen countries and two dozen U.S. states.

To *really* mark the 101-subscriber milestone, Nancy has provided
us with "101 Ways to be Obnoxious on Usenet," enclosed here as
Collage 105 (yeah, I know, it should have been number 101; sorry,
too late for that now).

Some of these suggestions are pretty entertaining; the more familiar
you are with Usenet, the funnier they are.

Enjoy! And continue spreading the word ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: 101 Ways to be Obnoxious on Usenet
by Alan Meiss

Note to the profoundly impaired: this list is intended as humor, and
consists mostly of things that you should NOT do. NOT NOT NOT do. Once
more, slowly, d-o-n-'-t d-o t-h-e-s-e t-h-i-n-g-s. If you do, you're a
bad, naughty person. Bad person! Naughty! Naughty, *bad* person! Ok,
now that *that's* out of the way, without further ado...

1. Post a message asking how to post messages.
2. Lead a tireless crusade for the creation of newsgroups with silly
   names like alt.my.butt.is.hairy.
3. Put 4 addresses, 5 lines of "Geek Code," 6 ASCII-art bicycles, a
   PGP key, and your home phone in your signature.
4. Reinvigorate a discussion by switching attributions in follow-ups.
5. Post recipes on rec.pets.cats.
6. Post a compendium of old articles from a thread that died months
   ago with a title such as "*** HAS JOE SMITH FORGOTTEN HIS LIES?
   ***"
7. Post a 56-part binary MPG file of your dog throwing up to
   news.answers. Announce that you screwed it up and repeat.
8. On the MST3K groups, ask what happened to Joel.
9. Ask readers of rec.music.misc to post their favorite Zeppelin tune
   "for a poll."
10. Reacquaint the readers of rec.humor with the
    "two-strings-go-in-a-bar" joke.
11. Determine a perversion so bizarre or obscure that it doesn't yet
    have its own sex group.
12. Post your new "War Heroes of India" FAQ to soc.culture.pakistan.
13. Start this week's new AOL virus rumor.
14. Format your posts for 90 columns (or 20).
15. Provide a valuable public service by notifying the eager readers
    of roughly 1,200 newsgroups of your new "HOOTERAMA" phone sex
    service or "PorqWhiffe" pheramone cologne.
16. Post elaborate conspiracy theories to talk.politics.misc detailing
    how ATF agents under the control of Chelsea Clinton and Socks have
    implanted invisible microchips in your genitals.
17. Fill that empty mailbox, make new friends, delight your
    postmaster, and selflessly lead others to riches with a few "MAKE
    MONEY FAST" posts.
18. Attempt to sell your sweaty underwear in alt.clothing.lingerie.
19. Follow up a 200-line post to add only your signature.
20. Crosspost Amiga articles to the Mac and PC newsgroups for a
    valuable interchange of provocative ideas.
21. Announce a mailing list for Bill Gates' VISA card number.
22. Inform the readers of alt.sex that your friend at a particular
    address is taking a penis-length survey, and the first 1000 people
    to send him their measurements will receive free naked pictures of
    Cindy Crawford.
23. Correct every spelling mistake you encounter, but misspell the
    word "imbecile" in your follow-up flames.
24. Flame yourself, and complain to your own postmaster.
25. Ask readers of the Star Trek groups when they last had dates.
26. Post personal ads on groups such as alt.sex.diapers listing your
    work phone number.
27. Post under the name Dave Rhodes.
28. Follow up every post in a newsgroup ranking them on a scale from 1
    to 10.
29. Establish your own little Usenet niche by writing a Wink
    Martindale FAQ.
30. Advise other readers to ftp to 127.0.0.1 for "really cool nudie
    pics."
31. Post daily word searches to rec.puzzles.
32. Post your trig homework to sci.math and ask the readers to e-mail
    you the answers, since you "don't read the group."
33. Provoke insightful and productive debates on fresh new topics such
    as abortion, gun control, the existence of God, penile
    circumcision, and the relative superiority of Mac or PC operating
    systems.
34. Pick a cutesy handle that inspires vicarious embarrassment in
    other readers, such as "SoHot4U," "SokSnifer," or "WetNWild."
35. Maintain a high-level of constructive decorum by addressing
    someone with whom you disagree as "monkey boy."
36. Inform the readers of the sex groups that they're "going straight
    to hell," and then proceed to follow up a variety of titillating
    posts.
37. Post to alt.folklore.urban that this guy that a friend of your
    uncle's ex-girlfriend's boss knew received the donated heart of
    River Phoenix.
38. Relentlessly inform the readers of groups such as rec.pets.iguanas
    or sci.agriculture of your UFO, JFK, OJ, NRA, NSA, Nutrasweet, and
    Azeri genocide theories. Relate them all to sunspot activity and
    ancient astronauts.
39. Post instructions telling other readers how to put you in their
    killfile.
40. Post whining, misspelled, and vaguely creepy personal ads in
    wildly inappropriate newsgroups, and follow up to berate the
    readers for not responding.
41. Announce that a particular site has opened up a new combination OJ
    Jury Info/Homemade Bombs/Kiddie Porn/Scientology
    Documents/Computer Subliminal Hypnosis ftp archive.
42. Construct a device that lets your pets post to Usenet by pawing or
    pecking a feeder bar.
43. Post the Niemann Marcus cookie recipe to rec.food.recipes.
44. Eliminate nearly all meaningful traffic on a newsgroup for weeks
    by challenging its readership to come up with as many synonyms as
    possible for the word vomit.
45. Accuse other posters of being AI experiments, Perl scripts, or
    Emacs macros.
46. Claim that you can see "hidden images" in another person's posting
    when you cross your eyes.
47. Ask Austrian readers about kangaroos.
48. Ask Australian readers about alpine skiing.
49. Include Rush lyrics or Rush quotes in all your posts.
50. Accuse female posters of being male.
51. Make an anonymous posting accusing others of cowardice.
52. Accuse a fellow AOL or Prodigy subscriber of being a "newbie"
    because their 3 months on the net are dwarfed by your own span of
    4.
53. Insist that anyone objecting to your compulsive fascination with
    consuming the flesh of strangled disabled minors is "judgemental."
54. If you've grown tired of typing, effectively end a thread by
    accusing others of being Nazis.
55. Ask readers of soc.culture.nordic whether the Swedish Chef has a
    Sampo.
56. Write and regularly post a FAQ about yourself.
57. Post graphic descriptions of your bowel movements, genital sores,
    and various suppurating wounds to alt.tasteless.
58. Ask readers of sci.med for urgent, step-by-step instructions on
    removing arrows, or inquire why all your extremities have turned
    dark purple.
59. Insist that there's no such state in the U.S. as "New Mexico."
60. Post only in Esperanto.
61. Claim a copyright on the word "Usenet," and follow up with a bill
    for all posts you encounter that contain it.
62. Sell "posting permits" in news.announce.newusers.
63. Post single-part text messages in MIME format.
64. Ask the readers of rec.sewing whether any of them want to be the
    drummer for your new band, "Death Monkeys."
65. Claim to be an amorous highschool cheerleader while posting under
    a name such as "Robert Bradley Smith, Jr."
66. In the spirit of purest optimism, ask other readers to follow up
    with their account passwords and credit card numbers.
67. Why use a single question mark or exclamation point when you can
    use at least thirty?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
68. List a cute organization name in your header, such as "Canadians
    for Global Warming."
69. Insult a poster from another nation based on his country's
    performance in World War II.
70. Post vitriolic, frothing, hair-trigger flames in polite
    newsgroups, as if you were a testosterone-crazed adolescent
    debating which shotgun is superior in alt.games.doom.
71. Follow up spam posts in the belief that the originator, who
    probably follows the group closely and is desperately curious
    about receiving feedback, will see your impassioned plea and be so
    moved by your lengthy, point-by-point indictment of their conduct
    that they pledge to desist from such activity for all time.
72. Regardless of its accuracy, follow up another post with the line
    "BZZZT! Wrong answer!" or "Hello! McFly!"
73. Use a 120-line ASCII graphic of Spock as your signature.
74. Post to soc.culture.women asking "what's your favorite brand of
    oven mitt, little ladies?"
75. Post to news.annnounce.newusers asking if there are any nurses in
    Portland willing to spank you. Follow up with an apology. Follow up
    again with the original article.
76. Post with a newsreader that replaces punctuation marks with
    strange, non-ASCII characters.
77. Steer all debates to your own pet subjects of expertise,
    regardless of their relevance.
78. Make it clear from your postings that you've a profound inability
    to distinguish "The X Files" as fiction.
79. Insist that another poster is really Serdar Argic or Kibo.
80. Post 20-part encoded image files from NASA ftp archives that you
    claim show clear evidence of alien settlements.
81. Insinuate vague conspiracies in all your posts.
82. Spam post alarming ten-year-old files about Congressional bills to
    tax modem usage "in the name of freedom."
83. Claim that unidentified government agencies are censoring your
    posts.
84. Ask readers to collect aluminum pop-tops on behalf of Craig
    Shergold.
85. Ask readers of comp.sci.algorithms how to get Super Mario to the
    castle.
86. POST IN ALL CAPS
87. omit all punctuation
88. omitallspaces
89. DOALLTHREEOFTHEABOVE
90. Ask the readers of alt.current-events.net-abuse where to purchase
    Cantor and Siegel's book.
91. Post the phone number of the Michigan Militia to alt.conspiracy as
    the "Classified ATF Secret Hotline."
92. Compose an exhaustively researched 15-part FAQ detailing the
    favorite movie musicals of relatives of the Deep Space Nine cast.
    Post it weekly in its entirety.
93. Strive to ensure that no two consecutive words in your posts are
    correctly spelled.
94. Enrich the lives of thousands with a thoughtful and impassioned
    debate on the topic "AOL users suck."
95. Dispense essential and priceless financial advice, such as the
    assertion that no one is legally required to pay taxes.
96. Demand that others cease using the letter e, as you find it "dply
    offnsiv."
97. Post to rec.music.misc insisting that "Curt Kobain should leave
    Pearl Jam since they'll never tour again."
98. Assume that the entire Usenet hierarchy shares your interest in
    helping lonely Ukrainian lasses find love.
99. Follow up another person's posts every twelve minutes to accuse
    them of "obsessing."
100. Follow up two dozen of another person's posts to accuse them of
     harassing you. Send copious e-mail if you're ignored.
101. Start pointless debates over topics such as whether Whoopi
     Goldberg has eyebrows, what happens when you cross the
     International Dateline, and whether the bad guy in Popeye
     cartoons was named "Bluto" or "Brutus."

********************************************************************
 Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************

"HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail
list server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more information
on Lyris, see <http://www.lyris.com/>.

To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following
command to <lyris@lyris.net>:

subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country

where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems,
then either (1) send any message to <HumourNet-info@lyris.net> for
a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web
interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>, or (3) send a *detailed*
description of the problem to <Listmom@telephonet.com>.

To unsubscribe, visit our Web interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>
or refer to your Welcome message for detailed instructions.

For instructions on contributing to HumourNet, send any message to
<contribution-guidelines@lyris.net>.

>>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors,
not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the
text wherever possible. <<<

The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP:

    Web: <http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/>
    FTP: <ftp://ftp.humournet.com/pub/HumourNet/Collage.Archives/>

Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that
1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line
containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer,
and 2) no fee is charged.

There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a
copy of them, send any message to <posting-guidelines@lyris.net>, or
refer to your Welcome message.

********************************************************************
    "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
********************************************************************
</collage105>