Collage 106               H u m o u r N e t                3 AUG 95

And for the final mailing of the day (I've got more backlog than I
care to look at), another Nancy exclusive. Many thanks to the
soon-departing Nancy for this material, and all the contributions
she's provided along the way (and best of luck in the new
endeavors).

Happy Bytes!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

Six Drown Trying to Rescue Chicken
(From the Prince Georges (MD) Journal)

Cairo, Egypt - Six people drowned yesterday while trying to rescue a
chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt.
   An 18-year old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot
well.  He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water
pulled him down, police said.  His sister and two brothers went in
one by one to help him, but also drowned.  Two elderly farmers then
came to help but they apparently were pulled down by the same
undercurrent.
   The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the
village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo
   The chicken was also pulled out.  It survived.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and
started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road.  His
attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave.  The man seemed
to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, "Why did
you die?  Why did you die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't want to
interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt
and pain is more than I've ever seen before.  For whom do you mourn
so deeply?  Your Child?  A parent?  Who, may I ask, lies in that
grave?"

The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband! ... Why did you die?
Why did you die?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Horror Movie Character Survival Guide

1. When you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if
it's really dead!

2. If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery,
was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants
who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion,
or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia or satanic practices
MOVE AWAY IMMEDIATELY!

3.Never read a book on demon-summoning aloud, even as a joke.

4.Do not search the basement, especially if the electrical
power has just gone out.

5.If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language
which they do not know, or if they speak to you using a voice
other than their own, shoot them immediately.It will save you
a lot of grief in the long run.(NOTE - it will probably take
several rounds to kill them, so be prepared!)

6. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair-off or go it
 alone.

7.As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

8.Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or anywhere near
a grave, crypt, tomb, mausoleum, or any other house of the dead.

9.If you're searching for something that caused a noise and
found out that it's just the cat, LEAVE THE ROOM IMMEDIATELY
IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE!!

10.If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

11.Do not take ANYTHING from the dead!

12.If you find a town that looks deserted, it's probably for
a reason -take the hint and stay away.

13.Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're
sure you know what you're doing!

14.If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or
fall down at least twice, more if you're female.Also note
that, despite the fact that you're running and the monster
is merely shambling along, it is still moving fast enough
to catch up with you!

15.If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacter-
istic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing
eyes,increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as
fast as possible!

16.Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which
are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog
(God help you if you recognize that one), the Bermuda Triangle,
 or any small town in Maine.

17.If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the
nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

18.Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws,
staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines,
lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws,
or any device made from deceased companions.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

sung to the tune of "OLD TIME RELIGION"
(edited version)

We will pray to Aphrodite
She's beautiful but flighty
In her silken see-thru nightie
She's good enough for me.

We will pray just like the Druids,
Drinking strange fermented fluids,
Go dancing naked through the woods,
They're good enough for me.

We will pray to the god Buddha,
Of gods there is none cuter,
Come in silver, brass or pewter,
He's good enough for me.

We will pray to Ra and Ahmen
Just like Tutankhamen,
And teach our friends embalming,
They're good enough for me.

We won't worship like the Persians,
We'll sacrifice no virgins,
Please control your carnal urgin's,
It's good enough for me.

We will pray for New Age Aquarians,
And hang out in Planetariums,
Lotta um are Unitarians,
They're good enough for me.

We will pray to a god named Odin,
In their wooden boats go floatin'
Filled Europe with forbodin'
He's good enough for me.

We will pray to the Quakers
Oft confused with the Shakers,
Of war they are not makers,
They're good enough for me.

We will pray to the god Shiva,
the one with many sleeva's
Who destroys all disbelivas
He's good enough for me.

We will pray to rev Moon
All our friend will think we're loony
As we sing this crazy tune-y,
He's good enough for me.

We will bow and worship Bacchus
And get mighty loud and racchus
Then we'll lay us down and facchus
And that's good enough for me.

We will go and worship Thor
He makes all the women sore
But they soon come back for more
And that's good enough for me.

Well, Pan's pipes got clogged last summer
And it really was a bummer
Fin'ly had to call the plumber
But it's good enough for me

You can keep your saints and Halos
Myrrh, frankincense and aloes
Let's toss virgins in volcanoes
And that's good enough for me.

Michael Valentine is grokking
Clothing usage he is a-topping
"Thou art God" the phrase he's dropping
And I'm good enough for me.

The Episcopals are sav'ed
In the Lamb's blood they are bathed
While I'm totally depraved
And it's good enough for me.

Well, the Japanese use Shinto
There's no telling what they're in to
It helps them outsell the pinto
And that's good enough for me

Oh the Christians are a humming
'Cause they say their God is Comin'
But our God has come two times tonight
And the Goddess at least three

Let us go and worship Loki
He's the old Norse god of chaos
Which is why this verse doesn't rhyme or scan --
But it's good enough for me.

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