Collage 107               H u m o u r N e t                3 AUG 95

Okay, I squeezed out one more Collage for the day. Thanks go to
Alix for the "Declaration of Independence" piece, and thanks are
due to the ever-prolific Lorraine for the "Strange Sex Laws"
(the compilation, not the laws, themselves).

These two are well worth the extra reading time ... enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
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SUBJ: Declaration of Independence--Response to Proposal

The Court of King George III
London, England

July 10, 1776

Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Dear Mr. Jefferson:

We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest.
Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your
statements do merit serious consideration.  Unfortunately, the Declaration
as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to
the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement.
The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:

1.  In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and
    Nature's God."  What are these laws?  In what way are they the criteria
    on which you base your central arguments?  Please document with
    citations from the recent literature.

2.  In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind."  Whose
    polling data are you using?  Without specific evidence, it seems to
    us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.

3.  You hold certain truths to be "self-evident."  Could you please
    elaborate.  If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be
    difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.

4.  "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of
    your proposal.  These are not measurable goals.  If you were to say that
    "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in
    six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers
    in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to
    raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next
    10 years," these could be measurable goals.  Please clarify.

5.  You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of
    these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it,
    and to institute a new Government...."  Have you weighed this assertion
    against all the alternatives?  What are the trade-off considerations?

6.  Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive.  Such a
    long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not
    follow it.  Your problem statement needs improvement.

7.  Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all.  You
    state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and
    that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown."  Who
    or what must change to achieve this objective?  In what way must they
    change?  What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance?
    How long will it take?  We have found that a little foresight in these
    areas helps to prevent careless errors later on.  How cost-effective are
    your strategies?

8.  Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing
    your strategy?  Who conceived it?  Who provided the theoretical research?
    Who will constitute the advisory committee?  Please submit an
    organizational chart and vitas of the principal investigators.

9.  You must include an evaluation design.  We have been requiring this
    since Queen Anne's War.

10. What impact will your problem have?  Your failure to include any
    assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range
    prospects of your undertaking.

11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and
    manpower utilization matrix.

We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of
Independence."  We welcome the submission of your revised proposal.  Our due
date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776.  Ten copies with original
signatures will be required.

Sincerely,

Management Analyst to the British Crown

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ:  Strange Sex Laws

In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while
hunting or fishing on your wedding day.

No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic,
onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota.  If his
wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't
allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed
with you.

[Editor's Note: (2 May 96) Apparently, this law has long since
been replaced by "Couples should finish all drinks before going
to bed." Many thanks to Jeff in Des Moines for the update. </vs>]

Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between
members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after
sundown -- if they're nude.  (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're
safe from the law!)

In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to
have twin beds.  And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet
apart when a couple rents a room for only one night.  And it's
illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!

The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to
provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt.  No couple,
even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude.  Nor may
they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white
cotton nightshirts.

An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from
having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!

A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called
master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.

In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset.
(There was a civil-service job--for men only--called a corset inspector.)

[Editor's Note: If anyone has information on how to apply for this
job, please forward it to HumorNet@bgu.edu ... </vs>]

However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing
corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous,
unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the
normal, red-blooded American male."

It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho.  Police
officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window.  Any
suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up
from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two
minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.

Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on
a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds,
two ounces of clothing.

Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their
lustful urges in a parked car.  If the horn accidentally sounds
while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a
jail term.

In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a
parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the
car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.

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</collage107>