Collage 108               H u m o u r N e t                4 AUG 95

Hopefully, the Collage logjam has finally cleared--by now,
everyone (except for those who've subscribed since last night)
should have received Collages 103 through 107.

And here is Collage 108--yet another Lorraine-exclusive set of
contributions.

Still working on the backlog ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office.  The doctor asked,
"What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have
sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.  When
the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong
with the way you have intercourse", and he charged them $32.00.

This happened several weeks in a row.  The couple would make an
appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find
out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything.  She
is married and we can't go to her house.  I am married and we can't
go to my house.  The Holiday Inn charges $60.00.  The Hilton charges
$78.00.  We do it here for $32.00 and I get back $28.00 from
medicare for a visit to the doctor's office."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Some good news, and some bad news.

There was this multi-millionaire who had absolutely everything,
money (obviously), a country mansion, a beautiful wife, race horses,
everything that a man could want.  In fact he was so rich that he
decided to go off to Africa on a three month safari to shoot big
game.

On his return, the chauffeur-driven Rolls had just gotten to the
large, ornate gates at the foot of the drive to the set-back house
when it was met by Jeeves, the butler.  The millionaire rolled down
the window of the Rolls and said "Hello Jeeves, what on earth are
you doing here?"

The butler replied "Well sir, I've got some good news and some bad
news."

"Tell me the bad news first then." answered the millionaire.

"Well sir," started Jeeves "I don't know how to tell you this, but
your favorite dog Reggie has died."

"Good God, not poor old Reggie, how did it happen?"

"Well sir, your two million dollar race horse, Lucky Strike, fell on
him."

"That's terrible, why?" replied the millionaire.

"Well sir, a beam from the stable roof collapsed on him." said
Jeeves.

"Why, what happened to the stable?"

"Well sir, it was on fire at the time."

"That's awful Jeeves how did the stable catch fire?"

"We think it was a spark from the house sir."

"Oh no, the house has burned down?  How did the fire start, Jeeves?"

"The wind blew over one of the candles on your wife's coffin sir."

"Good Lord, Angela died?  Why Jeeves"

"Well sir, she had a heart attack when she heard the news that your
company had crashed on the stock market."

"I'm flabbergasted ...  tell me the good news, Jeeves."

"Sir, your tomatoes have ripened early."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Q.  What's the difference between a bonus and a penis?
A.  It's easier to get your girlfriend to blow your bonus!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

A young man who had just passed the bar exam was being interviewed
by a prestigious law firm.  "What would you do," a partner inquired,
"if a prospective client asked for counsel on a subject you knew
nothing about?"

"I would tell the client," the applicant replied without hesitation,
"to give me a $1500 retainer and call me in the morning."

"You're hired!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

An old country farmer and his wife had been trying for years to have
children but were unsuccessful.  The wife finally convinced the
farmer to take her into town to see the doctor in case there was
something he could do.

The doctor was happy to help and he examined them both.  Afterward,
he sat them both down in his office to give the couple some advice.

"You've got to stop smoking and drinking," he said to the farmer.

"What?  No more smoking or drinking?" he said.

"Yes," said the doctor, "you need to improve your health, and I want
to see you back in my office in six months for a check-up."

The old farmer grumbled but agreed.

"And I'll need to see your wife back every month so I can start
monitoring her--I need to find out what the problem is with her
innability to conceive."

"Every month?" the farmer said.  But his wife looked at him, and he
grumbled and agreed.

"Yes," said the doctor, "and I'm going to prescribe vitamins for you
both, and suggest sex at least three times a week."

"Three times a week???  " the old farmer shouted.

"Yes," said the doctor, "for example, on Mondays, Wednesdays and
Fridays:  every other day to ensure maximum odds for conception."

The farmer seemed upset now, almost angry, but again his wife looked
at him, and so he paused for a minute before answering.

"All right, doc, I can get her here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but
on Fridays, she's going to have to take the bus.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

        It seems that a little old English lady was looking for some
rooms in Switzerland.  She asked the local village schoolmaster to
help her.  A place that suited her was finally found, and the lady
returned to London for her luggage.  She remembered then that she
had not noticed a bathroom, or as she called it, a "water closet."
She wrote to the school master.  He was puzzled by the initials
"W.C.," never dreaming of course that she was asking about a
bathroom.  He finally asked the help of the parish priest, who
decided that W.C.  stood for Wesleyan Church.  This was the reply:

        "Dear Madam, The W.C.  is situated nine miles from the house
in the center of a beautiful grove of trees.  It is capable of
holding 350 people at a time, and is open on Tuesday, Thursday, and
Sunday each week.  A large number of folks attend during the summer
months, so it is suggested that you go early, although there is
plenty of standing room.  Some folks like to take their lunch and
make a day of it, especially on Thursdays when there is organ
accompaniment.  The acoustics are very good and everyone can hear
the slightest sound.  It may be of interest to you to know that my
daughter was married in the W.C., and it was there that she met her
husband.  We hope you will be there in time for our bazaar to be
held very soon.  The proceeds will go toward the purchase of plush
seats, which the folks agree are a long-felt need, as the present
seats all have holes in them.  My wife is rather delicate, therefore
she can not attend regularly.  It has been six months since the time
she last went.  Naturally, it pains her very much to not be able to
go more often.  I shall close now with the desire to accommodate you
in every way possible, and I will be happy to save you a seat down
front or near the door, whichever you prefer.  --Schoolmaster"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO LIVE IN VERMONT:

Name:______________________________

Ethnic Information:
English ( )  Welsh ( )  Scottish ( ) Irish ( )

Type of Vehicle:
Jeep Wagoneer ( )  Land Rover ( ) Range Rover ( ) Hummer ( )

Car Equipment:
Magnetic Nautical Compass ( )  Leather Dental Floss Holder ( )
Newton Message Pad ( )  Apple Cinnamon Powerbars ( )

Contents of Trunk:
Fly Fishing Rod ( )  Prep School Sweater ( )
Gore Tex Trail Boots ( )  Foul Weather Boating Gear ( )

Favorite Drugs:
Tom's of Maine Toothpaste ( )  Dramamine ( )

Favorite Drinks:
White Wine Spritzer ( )  Cambridge Tap Water ( )
Apple Juice ( )  Diet Apple Juice ( )

Which of The Following Should Be Banned?
Calve's Veal ( )  Chainsaws ( )  Vacationing New Yorkers ( )
Access from N H ( )

Club Memberships:
Ducks Unlimited ( )  Loon Preservation Society ( )
Flat Earth Society ( )

Last Book Read:
L L Bean Catalog ( )  Orvis Catalog ( )  Eddie Bauer Catalog ( )
Outward Bound Brochure ( )

Favorite Food:
Ben and Jerry's ( )  Sushi ( )  Anything With Sundried Tomatoes ( )

Favorite T V Show:
Late Night Movies From Sherbrooke, Canada ( )

Favorite Color:
Mallard Blue ( )  Taupe Heather ( )  Oatmeal ( )  Periwinkle ( )

Do You Own Any of the Following Automatic Weapons:
Cuisinart ( ) Turbo Mulch Maker ( ) Yogurt Maker ( )
Electric Winch ( )

Bumper Stickers:
Nautical Initial Flags ( )

Sexual Orientation:
Top ( )  Bottom ( )  Disoriented ( )

Means of Support:
Trust Fund ( )  Husband's Trust Fund ( )  Old Yankee Money ( )

********************************************************************
 Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************

"HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail
list server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more information
on Lyris, see <http://www.lyris.com/>.

To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following
command to <lyris@lyris.net>:

subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country

where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems,
then either (1) send any message to <HumourNet-info@lyris.net> for
a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web
interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>, or (3) send a *detailed*
description of the problem to <Listmom@telephonet.com>.

To unsubscribe, visit our Web interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>
or refer to your Welcome message for detailed instructions.

For instructions on contributing to HumourNet, send any message to
<contribution-guidelines@lyris.net>.

>>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors,
not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the
text wherever possible. <<<

The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP:

    Web: <http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/>
    FTP: <ftp://ftp.humournet.com/pub/HumourNet/Collage.Archives/>

Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that
1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line
containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer,
and 2) no fee is charged.

There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a
copy of them, send any message to <posting-guidelines@lyris.net>, or
refer to your Welcome message.

********************************************************************
    "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
********************************************************************
</collage108>