Collage 109               H u m o u r N e t                4 AUG 95

It must be one of those days ...

I had a catchy anecdote to include in this Collage opener, and it
was on my mind as I was formatting the contents of the Collage. Now
I'm ready to write the opener, and I've forgotten the anecdote.

As the saying goes: "A mind is a terrible thing." (Or something
like that.) But I have a consolation prize for you:

Q: Why don't women like to go fishing?
A: Because they have to shut up.

(Hey, it was the best I could dig up on short notice.)

And so we come to Collage 109, yet another exclusive from the Still
Ever Prolific Lorraine.  This one includes yet *another* continuation
on the "You Might Be A Redneck If ..." theme (originally appearing in
Collage 55, with a major assist from Perri--that hot Trucksville
REDNECK BABE), but they're pretty funny. And the rest of the material
is well worth the bandwidth, too.

Read it in good humor. And I.O.U. one amusing anecdote. (I'll
probably remember it as soon as I hit the "send" button ...)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

Top Ten Reasons Playing Hockey is Better Than Having Sex:

10. It's legal to play hockey professionally.
 9. The puck is always hard.
 8. The protective equipment is reusable, and you don't even have to
    wash it.
 7. It lasts a full hour.
 6. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.
 5. Your parents cheer when you score.
 4. A two-on-one or a three-on-one is not uncommon.
 3. Periods last only 20 min.
 2. You can count on it at least twice a week.
 1. You can tell your friends about it afterward.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

A first-time parent, when her baby's pacifier falls on the floor,
boils it for five minutes before giving it back to the baby.

A second-time parent rinses it off under cold water.

A third-time parent lets the dog lick it off.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Father Murphy's Fund-Raising Problem

Father Murphy was a priest in a very poor parish. He asked for suggestions
as to how to raise money for his church and was told that racing horses is
very profitable. So, he went to a horse auction. Unfortunately, he made a
very poor buy since the horse turned out to be a donkey.

Still, he thought he might as well enter the donkey in a horse race. The
donkey came in third. The next morning the headlines in the local paper
read, "FATHER MURPHY'S ASS SHOWS." The Archbishop saw the paper and was
very displeased.

The next day the donkey ran again and came in first. And the headlines
read, "FATHER MURPHY'S ASS OUT IN FRONT." The Archbishop was up in arms
and figured something had to be done. Father Murphy had now entered the
donkey for the third time and it came in second. Now the headlines read,
"FATHER MURPHY'S ASS BACK IN PLACE."

The Archbishop thought this was too much, so he forbade the priest to enter
the donkey the next day. This inspired the editors to write, "ARCHBISHOP
SCRATCHES FATHER MURPHY'S ASS."

Finally, the Archbishop heard of this so he ordered Father Murphy to get rid
of the donkey. He was unable to sell it so he gave it to Sister Agatha for a
pet. Now the headlines read, "NUN OWNS BEST ASS IN TOWN." When the
Archbishop heard of this he ordered Sister Agatha to dispose of the animal at
once.

She sold it to one of the parishioners for ten dollars. The next day the
headlines read, "SISTER AGATHA PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN DOLLARS."

They Buried the Archbishop three days later.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: "YOU" MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF ..." (The Adventure Continues)

* "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night"
  at the local bar.

* "Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking
  brake set?" is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl
  make love.

* After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.

* All of your four letter words are two syllables.

* After the Prom, you drove the truck while your date hit road signs
  with beer bottles.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

"The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
to blame it on."
                  - Jone's Law

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

One hot day in July a college freshman student of archaeology was
walking with a rancher in northwestern Oklahoma when they
came upon some dinosaur bones. The student immediately picked up one
of the bones and said "These must be millions of years old!"

The rancher replied, "They are three million and three years
old son."

"How can you be so exact with their age?" the student asked.

"Simple," said the rancher, "three years ago a professor of archaeology
dug them up and said they were three millions years old."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

A policeman went up to a man doing push-ups in the park and said,
"Excuse me sir, I think she's gone!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

For the first time, the U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service
after some prodding by the U.S. State Department, will officially
allow two aliens from space to land in the United States. It seems
that U.S. entry visas for cosmonauts Vladimir Dezurov and Grennady
Strekalov were forgotten before the launch of Mir-18. They were
launched from Kazakstan on March 14 and are scheduled to land either
in Florida or California in early July aboard the Space Shuttle
Atlantis (STS-71). The U.S. State Department has, for the first
time, asked for a waiver for "aliens from outer space." The INS has
agreed to not arrest the cosmonauts for illegal entry into the
United States.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Having just had a world exclusive interview with Hugh Grant and the
23-year-old Tinsel Town "lady of the night," this top investigative
reporter has the following quotes :

The prostitute said she hadn't let Hugh's world fame go to her head.

Hugh said he had to admit it was a big blow to his career ...

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Bad Headlines

March Planned For Next August
Blind Bishop Appointed To See
Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip
L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide
Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through
Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al.
Diaper Market Bottoms Out
Croupiers On Strike--Management: "No Big Deal"
Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters
Connie Tied, Nude Policeman Testifies
Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based
Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Split Rears in Farmers Movement
Child's Stool Great for Use in Garden
Idaho Group Organizes to Help Service Widows
Columnist Gets Urologist in Trouble With His Peers
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man
Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy
Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's Resolve to Do Better
20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar
War Dims Hope For Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation
Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years
Man is Fatally Slain
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
Death Causes Loneliness, Feelings of Isolation
Flaming Toilet Seat Causes Evacuation at High School
Defendants Speech Ends in Long Sentence
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
House Passes Gas Tax Onto Senate
Police Discover Crack in Australia
Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan
Many Antiques Seen at D.A.R. Meeting
William Kelly, 87, was Fed Secretary
Collegians are Turning to Vegetables
Scientists to Have Ford's Ear
Quarter of a Million Chinese Live on Water
Hershey Bars Protest
County Officials to Talk Rubbish
Carter Plans Swell Deficit
Caribbean Islands Drift to Left
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

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