Collage 110               H u m o u r N e t                4 AUG 95

This Collage is truly a group effort. The skydiving humor is just
usual stuff heard around the drop zone--but the "Difference Between
Golf and Skydiving" piece must be credited to Phil (the first one
to tell me the joke). And for those of you who are interested in
the sport, check out the skydiving stuff (pictures, etc.) on the
Colossal Web Page (see your "welcome" message for details).

The "Lawyers v. Chemical Waste" piece is credited to Brett (a.k.a.
"Butthead"), and kudos for the "Perils of Piety" piece go to Loretta
(a.k.a. "Mom")--making her HumourNet debut here.

"How do you say...?" is credited to Lynn (also making her HumourNet
debut), and is a must-read. And the remaining pieces, "An American
Tourist," "Thar's Danger in Them Thar Holes!" and "Modern Indian
Weather Prediction," are credited to the still-remarkably-prolific
Lorraine.

Happy Bytes!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

John was making his first parachute jump. The instructor said,
"First you pull the main ripcord. If it doesn't work, you pull the
reserve ripcord. There will be a red pickup truck waiting for you
when you land."

John jumped. He pulled the main ripcord, but nothing happened, so
he pulled the reserve ripcord. Still nothing happened.

"That's just great," he muttered. "And I'll bet the red pickup
won't be there either."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

What's the difference between golf and skydiving?

In golf, you go: <WHACK!> ... "Oh, sh*t!"
In skydiving, you go: "Oh, sh*t!" ... <WHACK!>

(And this addition by Randy Cassingham:)
And Pee Wee Herman goes: whack-whack-whack-whack-whack-whack-whack
-- "Oh, SH*T!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Remember the old days--when sex was safe, and skydiving was dangerous?

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Lawyers v. Chemical Waste

Q: Why are all the chemical-waste sites in New Jersey, and all the
lawyers in New York?
A: Because New Jersey got to choose.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Perils of Piety

Terrible rains are causing a river to rise beyond its banks,
flooding a small town nearby. The local authorities call for the
town to be evacuated barely ahead of the rising waters. Everyone
leaves but the local priest, who swears to stand by his church, for
his God will save him.

Hours later, with flood waters lapping at the door to the church, a
rescue boat pulls up and tells the priest to get in. The priest
respectfully declines, vowing to stay with his church and await his
divine rescue from the ever-rising waters.

The next morning, the entire church is flooded, the waters are still
rising, and the devout priest is sitting on the roof of the church,
desperately watching icons and other ornaments being carried away by
the stiff currents. Another rescue boat arrives, and the occupants
beg the priest to get in before he is carried away by the advancing
waters. Again, the priest declines, citing his conviction that he
will surely be saved by God.

By that afternoon, the waters had enveloped all but the church's
steeple to which the priest was clinging for dear life. In a
last-ditch effort to save the priest, a rescue helicopter hovers
overhead a drops a ladder down to him. Despite their protests and
repeated efforts change his mind, he declines for the third and
final time, insisting that God will save him.

Some time later, the priest is swept away by the current, and
drowns.

Upon arrival at the Pearly Gates, the priest is greeted by St.
Peter and welcomed to Heaven. Still surprised that he'd been left
to die, the priest turns to St. Peter and says, "I've been a deeply
religious man all my life, and I've given everything to God and the
Church. So, why didn't you rescue me from the flood waters?"

St. Peter, looking surprised, shook his head and said, "We tried!
We sent two boats and a helicopter ... !"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: How do you say...?
(From "American Demographics" magazine)

Here's a look at how shrewd American business people have translated
their slogans and product names into foreign languages:

When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in
leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly naked."

(Editor's Note: I'm surprised that this didn't boost sales enough
for Braniff to stay solvent. </vs>)

Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was
read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a
tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes
a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."

When Vicks first introduced its cough drops on the German market,
they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is
"f" -- which, in German, is the guttural equivalent of "sexual
penetration."

Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried to introduce its product,
only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a
whorehouse. The English weren't too fond of this name, either, as
it is a highly derogatory term for a homosexual.

The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No
va" means "it doesn't go" in Spanish.

When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back,
they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life," pretty
literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your
Ancestors Back From the Grave."

When Coca-Cola first shipped to China, they named the product
something that, when pronounced, sounded like "Coca-Cola." The only
problem was that the characters used meant "Bite the wax tadpole."
They later changed to a set of characters that meant "Happiness in
the mouth."

Clairol, the hair products company, introduced the curling iron
"Mist Stick," into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for
manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.

When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, it used the
same packaging as here in the USA--with the cute baby on the label.
Later, the company found out that, in Africa, companies routinely put
pictures on the label of what's inside, since many people can't read.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: An American Tourist

An American is visiting Britain and is doing all the touristy bit,
and ends up wandering around a London market.

The American asks a greengrocer about an object in the grocer's
stall; he replies that it's a potato.

"Let me tell you man, in America we got potatoes that are ten times
that size."

"Yeah, well mate," replies the grocer, "in Britain we grow 'em to
fit our mouths."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Thar's Danger in Them Thar Holes!

As a young lad, Bob was caught reading a girlie magazine by his
mother. He explained that he was interested in girls and wanted to
know more about their private parts. His mother, quite shocked by
this, warned him to stay away from girls' private parts, as they
have nasty sharp teeth in them. This seemed to do the trick
throughout his youth, but unfortunately he still believed this even
into his adulthood.

Anyway, one day (somehow) he gets married and even on his wedding
night, he won't go near his wife. She asks him why....

"Because I know about the teeth you have down there," he replies.

"Heh!" says his wife, "I don't have any teeth down there! Where did
you get that idea from?"

"You can't kid me," says Bob, "My mum told me about them."

So, in desperation, his wife takes her clothes off and lies on the
bed with her legs wide open for him to have a good look.

"LOOK!" she says, "NO TEETH!"

"I'm not surprised," replies Bob, "not with gums like that!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Modern Indian Weather Prediction

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old
Indian went up to the director and said, "Tommorrow rain."

The next day it rained.

A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said,
"Tomorrow storm."

The next day there was a hailstorm.

"This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his
secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather.

However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian
didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him.

"I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and
I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"

The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said.
"Radio is broken."

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