Collage 111               H u m o u r N e t                7 AUG 95

Remember the catchy anecdote I wanted to include in Collage 109?
Well, I was reminded of it when I read it in the latest issue of
TRUE--the lead story about a Maine woman successfully suing a
country club for damages ($40,000!) incurred when she was hit by
her own golf ball, which had bounced off nearby railroad tracks.
(Incompetence does have its rewards. Heh, the way I play miniature
golf, I should be a millionaire by now. :-) [For those of you
who are unfamiliar with Randy Cassingham's "THIS is TRUE" list,
see Collage 103.]

So much for the woman-gets-rich-on-her-own-incompetence story.

Anyway, attached is Collage 111, complete with Iraq jokes, Cuba
jokes, U.S.S.R. jokes, and Czechoslovakia (?) jokes. (Get the
feeling these might be a little old?) Plus, there are survival
hints for visiting New York City, and a Newfie joke with a punch
line for which I take no responsibility.

All the material is credited to (or blamed on, as the case may be)
Lorraine--thanks!

Happy bytes!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Survival Guidelines For Visiting New York City

10. The city does not employ so-called "wallet inspectors."
 9. Remember: regular hot dogs do not have fingernails.
 8. Yelling at cabdrivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
 7. John Gotti always has the right of way.
 6. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records
    on yourself.
 5. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard.
 4. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body
    outline
 3. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up
    passengers
 2. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
 1. If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Top ten reasons why computers are better than girlfriends:

10. You can turn them off when you're done with them.
 9. They never say, "You can't login tonight, I have a headache."
 8. You can tell them anything, and they will always listen.
 7. You can program them to give you the answers you want to hear.
 6. They are never too tired.
 5. If you come home at 3am, they don't ask where you've been.
 4. They don't hog the bed and steal all the covers.
 3. They don't eat (unless you count disks).
 2. They remember everything you want them to remember, and forget
    everything you want them to forget.
 1. They never complain that you don't take them anywhere.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Iraq Jokes

FOR SALE: Special deal on tens of thousands of Iraqi rifles. Never
been fired--only dropped once ...

----------

A bunch of US soldiers in Saudi Arabia are getting ready to board an
airliner. One of them looks very nervous, so his sergeant claps him
on the shoulder and says, "Relax, son, you're going _home_!"

The soldier replies, "I know ... but I'm from New York City."

----------

I heard the other day they were dividing Iraq into two
sections--smoking and non-smoking.

----------

In the 15 March 91 Wall Street Journal:
    Before the Gulf War started, the Iraqi Army was the the fourth
largest army in the world.
    Now, its the second largest army in Iraq.

----------

Saddam Hussien calls up George Bush.

"Mr. President," he says, "I must discuss peace with you."

"To what do I owe this sudden change of heart?" asks Bush.

"You see," explains Hussein, "Last night I had a dream. And in this
dream I was in your capital, and I looked up upon the tallest
building, and I saw a flag that read "Allah is Great," and I knew
that Allah wanted me to make peace."

"Well, that's just great," said Bush, "You know, I had a dream last
night as well. I dreamed that I was in YOUR capital, and I too saw
such a flag."

"Really?!" said Hussein, very surprised, "And what did this flag
say?"

"I couldn't tell you," replied Bush, "I can't read Hebrew."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

The current shortages in Cuba do produce jokes:

   At the University of Havanna, some students and professors refer
to the course on Marxism as science fiction.

   Others point out that Castro's tough it out slogan, "Socialism
or Death" is a redundancy.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Intourist (USSR travel agency) advertisement:
  "Visit the USSR before they visit you"

----------

The contest "Best political joke in the USSR" has finally been held.
The winner, a factory worker from Minsk, got 25 years.

----------

The Czechoslovakian proof that the earth is round:
        1945 the fascists were kicked out to the west.
        1968 they came back from the east.

----------

A Jew wants to leave the USSR.  The clerk asks:
  "Why do you want to leave ?
  "I have two reasons.  I'm afraid that if the Communism system is
overthrown, there will be anti-semitism again ..."
  "But our system is so strong it'll never be overthrown!" says the
clerk.
  "That's my second reason ..."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

A man has been shipwrecked on a desert island for ten years.  Then
one day he is down at the shoreline when he spots a ship on the
horizon.  He frantically waves his arms and jumps up and down
shouting, until he spies a rowboat being let down into the water
from the ship.  About ten minutes later the rowboat reaches the
shore carrying a man in a captain's uniform.

"Thank Christ for that!" says our shipwrecked hero, "I thought I was
never going to be rescued."

"How long have you been here?" asks the Captain.

"Ten years, ten long years" replies the man.

"Ten years?" says the Captain, "how have you coped all that time on
your own?"

"Well, I'm quite a resourceful fellow, I've built my own house;
there it is, over there, Number 1!"

"But ten years!" says the Captain, "ten years without sex!".

"Ah well, that's not quite true" says the man shyly.

"What do you mean?" inquires the Captain.

"Well, about six months ago I was down here on the shore washing my
feet, when I noticed an ostrich up the beach with it's head buried
in the sand and it's arse facing me.  Well, I thought it's been nine
and a half years, so I crept up behind it and WALLOP!"

"Ugh God, that must have been disgusting!" cries the genuinely
shocked Captain.

"Well, it was alright for the first five miles, but then we got out
of step."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Interesting Euphemisms

The U.S.  Department of Agriculture describes junk food as "low
nutrient-per-calorie-density foods."

One of the window-cleaning companies located in a suburb in South
Africa advertises itself as "Transparent-Wall Maintenance
Engineers."

Rolls-Royce never admits that its cars break down.  They simply
"fail to proceed."

At a meeting of a local school board, someone questioned a
treasurer's-report expenditure for "reinforcers for behavior
modification." A simple explanation was provided:  "Lollipops."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Divorce, Newfoundland ("Newfie") Style

A Newfie walked into an attorney;s office wanting to file a divorce.

The attorney asked "May I help you?" The Newfie said, "Yea, I want
to get one of those dayvorces."

The attorney said , "Well, do you have any grounds?"

The Newfie replied, "Yes, I got about 140 acres."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand.  Do you have a case?"

The Newfie said, "No, I don't have a case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "You don't understand.  I mean do you have a
grudge?"

The Newfie said, "Sure, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John
Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The Newfie said, "Oh, yes sir, I got a suit alright, I wear it to
church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you
up or anything?"

The Newfie said, "No, we both get up at about 4:30 in the morning."

The attorney then said, "Well, is she a nagger or anything?"

The Newfie said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child
was a nagger and that's why I want this dayvorce!!"

[Editor's Note:  Apologies for that one ...  </vs>]

********************************************************************
 Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************

"HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail
list server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more information
on Lyris, see <http://www.lyris.com/>.

To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following
command to <lyris@lyris.net>:

subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country

where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems,
then either (1) send any message to <HumourNet-info@lyris.net> for
a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web
interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>, or (3) send a *detailed*
description of the problem to <Listmom@telephonet.com>.

To unsubscribe, visit our Web interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>
or refer to your Welcome message for detailed instructions.

For instructions on contributing to HumourNet, send any message to
<contribution-guidelines@lyris.net>.

>>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors,
not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the
text wherever possible. <<<

The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP:

    Web: <http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/>
    FTP: <ftp://ftp.humournet.com/pub/HumourNet/Collage.Archives/>

Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that
1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line
containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer,
and 2) no fee is charged.

There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a
copy of them, send any message to <posting-guidelines@lyris.net>, or
refer to your Welcome message.

********************************************************************
    "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
********************************************************************
</collage111>