Collage 112               H u m o u r N e t                7 AUG 95

As many of you are aware, the "Telecommunications Reform Act" is
currently wending its way through Congress. On the down side of the
Act is the "telecommunications decency" crap (I guess I soon will
not be able to say that word over the 'Net), which will probably cut
HumourNet down to perhaps one Collage--of children's jokes, most
likely--per month. (Hopefully, I'm just kidding about that.)

There are some positive effects that we should see as a result of
the bill, however; these include the following:

* All network news shows will have to be co-anchored by supermodels

* All TVs will be equipped with popcorn makers, and will have
microchips that will block any show with Geraldo Rivera

* That guy who keeps circulating the "GET RICH FAST!" messages
throughout the 'Net will be sent to live in West Virginia (where
they have no telephones, much less Internet access).

Speaking of acts of Congress, Collage 112 features another bill
pending in the House--a cost-cutting measure that will downsize the
current Solar System (many thanks to Lorraine for that piece). And
for the skiers (or would-be skiers) out there, we have another Dave
Barry article, "Hell At 10 Below," with lotsa thanks to Judy.

Of course, once the Telecomm Reform Act passes, I'll have to rename
the Dave Barry article to something like "Heck At 10 Below."

:-)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
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HELL AT 10 BELOW
By Dave Barry

If you're looking for a vacation concept that combines the element
of outdoor fun with the element of potentially knocking down trees
with your face, you can't do better than skiing. My family just got
back from a ski trip to Vermont (the "Wind Chill Factor State"), and
it was an adventure that I'm sure we will remember for many years
while our various body parts heal.

The key to a successful ski trip, of course, is planning--by which I
mean: money. For openers, you have to buy a special outfit that meets
the strict requirements of the Ski Fashion Institute, namely: (1) it
must cost as much as a medium wedding reception, and (2) it must make
you look like the Giant Radioactive Easter Bunny From Space.

You also have to buy ski goggles costing upward of $50 per eyeball
that are specially designed to NOT fog up under any circumstances
except when you put them on, at which time they become approximately
as transparent as the Los Angeles telephone directory, which is why
veteran skiers recommend that you not pull them down over your eyes
until just before you make contact with the tree. And you'll need
ski boots, which are made from melted bowling balls and which
protect your feet by preventing your blood, which could contain
dangerous germs, from traveling below your shins.

As for the actual skis, you should rent them because of the feeling
of confidence you get from reading the lengthy legal document that
the rental personnel make you sign, which states: "The undersigned
agrees that skiing is an INSANELY DANGEROUUUS ACTIVITY, and that the
rental personnel were just sitting around minding their OWN BUSINESS
when the undersigned, who agrees that he or she is a RAVING LOON,
came BARGING IN UNINVITED, waving a LOADED REVOLVER and demanding
that he or she be given rental skis for the express purpose of
suffering SERIOUUS INJURY OR DEATH, leaving the rental personnel
with NO CHOICE but to ...," etc.

Okay! Now you're ready to "hit the slopes." Ski experts recommend
that you start by taking a group lesson because otherwise they would
have to get real jobs. To start the lesson, your instructor, who is
always a smiling 19-year-old named Chip, will take you to the top of
the mountain and explain basic ski-safety procedures until he feels
that the cold has killed enough of your brain cells that you will
cheerfully follow whatever lunatic command he gives you. Then he'll
ski a short distance down the mountain--just to the point where it
gets very steep--and swoop to a graceful stop, making it look
absurdly easy.

It IS absurdly easy for Chip, because underneath his outfit he's
wearing an antigravity device. All the expert skiers wear them.
You don't actually believe that "ski jumpers" can leap off those
ridiculously high ramps and just float to the ground unassisted
without breaking into walnut-sized pieces, do you? Like Tinker
Bell or something? Don't be a cretin.

After Chip stops, he turns to the group, his skis hovering as much
as three inches above the snow, and orders the first student to copy
what he did. This is the fun part. Woodland creatures often wake
up from hibernations just to watch this part because even they
understand that the laws of physics--which are strictly enforced on
ski slopes--do not permit a person to stop on the side of a
snow-covered mountain if his feet are encased in bowling balls
attached to what are essentially large pieces of Teflon. So they
greatly enjoy watching as the first student cautiously pushes
himself forward and almost instantaneously achieves warp speed,
becoming an almost invisible blur as he passes Chip and proceeds on
into the woods, flailing his arms like a volunteer in a nerve-gas
experiment.

"That was good!" shouts Chip, who then turns to the rest of the
group and says: "Next!" The group's only rational response, of
course, would be to lie down and demand a rescue helicopter. But
these are not rational beings; these are ski students. And so one
by one they, too, ski into the woods, then stagger out, sometimes
with branches sticking out, antler-like, from their foreheads, and
do it AGAIN. "Bend your knees this time!" advises Chip, knowing
that this will actually make them go FASTER. He loves his work.

Eventually, of course, you get better at it. If you stick with your
lessons, you'll become an "intermediate" skier, meaning you'll learn
to fall BEFORE you reach the woods. That's the level I'm at now, in
stark contrast to my 8-year-old son, who has not yet studied gravity
in school and therefore became an expert in a matter of hours.
Watching him flash effortlessly down the slope, I found myself
experiencing both pride and hope: pride in his accomplishment, and
hope that someday, somehow, he'll ski near enough to where I'm lying
that I'll be able to trip him with my poles.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: House to Downsize Solar System

Press Release
Bob Haberle reporting.

WASHINGTON D.C.: The House Appropriations subcommittee on NASA
oversight, in another effort to reduce the NASA budget, passed a
resolution today to downsize the solar system. According to an
unnamed congressional staffer, House Republicans felt there has been
"too much redundancy in the solar system," and that streamlining the
4.5 billion-year-old planetary system is long overdue. Such action
would give NASA fewer places to go and this would allow the agency
to carry out its space exploration goals within the funding profile
that the House proposed earlier this summer.

"Look, we have three terrestrial planets," said Congressman Rip U.
Apart (R,Del.), "and only one of them really works! So why not get
rid of the other two and clean up the neighborhood?" Most
subcommittee members felt that while downsizing was definitely in
the cards, eliminating both Mars and Venus was going too far. "We
have too many international commitments to Mars," said Rush N.
Hater (R, Calif.). "So I think we should keep Mars and dump Venus.
Its too hot to live on, and liberal Democrats keep using it as an
example of what global warming can do. So from a political and
practical point of view, Venus has got to go."

Also at risk is the planet Mercury which lacks support because of
its small size and poor visibility from Earth. "Who needs it?"
asked Congressman Newt Onian (R, N.C.). "Have you ever seen it? I
haven't. So what good is it? We just don't need useless planets.
And speaking of useless planets, what about the asteroids? If
you've seen one, you've seen them all. So I say we ought to get rid
of the little buggers once and for all."

However, the downsizing recommendations do not stop with the
terrestrial planets. The resolution also calls for a reduction in
the number of gas giants which contain most of the planetary mass in
the solar system. Most subcommittee members favor retaining Jupiter
and Saturn, and eliminating Uranus and Neptune. "Jupiter employs
the most molecules, and Saturn has those pretty little rings
everyone likes," said Rep. Con Mann (R, Fla.). "On the other hand,
Uranus is a bore and its rings are dirty. And Neptune, for God's
sake, is just too far away. So begone with those ugly bruisers."

But the influential Wright I.M. Fornow from South Carolina has
publicly announced he will fight to eliminate Saturn. Fornow is
especially miffed by NASA's success thus far in keeping Cassini--the
next mission to Saturn--alive, which he feels is waste of taxpayer
money. "If there ain't no Saturn, then there ain't no Cassini," he
exclaimed. The congressman also expressed concern about sending
back-to-back spacecraft bearing Italian surnames to the outer
planets. (The Galileo spacecraft arrives at Jupiter this December.)

The subcommittee was unanimous in its views toward Pluto, which they
deemed a moral misfit. "Now here's a planet we can definitely do
without," continued Fornow. "A few years ago, it was farthest from
the sun. Now it's not. Its just too confusing. And now they tell
me it's really two planets instead of one. What the hell is going
on here?"

The resolution must now be presented to the entire House, where it
is expected to pass easily since only a minority of Representatives
have constituents on the affected planets. NASA Administrator
Golden has vowed to resist any further reductions to the solar
system, saying that "NASA has expended considerable effort to make
the planets cheaper, faster, and better. Much of this work would be
wasted if the solar system were downsized," stated Golden.

Furthermore, critics say that reducing the number of planets will
not produce the expected savings to taxpayers. Textbooks, they
note, would have to be revised to reflect the new arrangement, and
facilities would need to be constructed to remove the planets,
themselves. The resolution is also likely to draw strong opposition
from religious fundamentalists who have long opposed the elimination
of any of the biblical planets. Thus, the matter is still far from
resolved.

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