Collage 113               H u m o u r N e t                9 AUG 95

Augmenting the "Strange Sex Laws" piece (Collage 107) is this:

According to a local (Washington, D.C.) radio show, "a Blythe,
California, city ordinance declares that a person must own at least
two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public."

But isn't that polygamy? :-)

(WARNING: Quick, neck-saving segue coming up.) Speaking of cowboy
boots, the entire contents of Collage 113 are credited to that
Texas siren of humor, Lorraine (cowboy boots and all).

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

A Los Angeles radio DJ shortly after the 1990 earthquake:

The telephone company is urging people not to use the telephone
unless it is absolutely necessary in order to keep the lines open
for emergency calls. We'll be right back after this break to give
away a pair of Phil Collins concert tickets to caller number 95.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

In NYNEX Telephone Directory:
Federal Bureau of Investigation (718) 459-3140
If no answer call (718) 459-3140

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

A law in Kansas: When two trains approach each other at a crossing,
they shall both come to a full stop and neither shall start up until
the other has gone.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Canadian host of a childrens' TV show telling their address:
That's Paris, Ontario, not Paris, Italy.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

This was from a doctor telling a story on complex forensics. Not
sure if I can give out his name. A friend told me this:

"On March 23 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and
concluded that he died from a gunshot wound of the head caused by a
shotgun. Investigation to that point had revealed that the decedent
had jumped from the top of a ten story building with the intent to
commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he
passed the 9th floor on the way down, his life was interrupted by a
shotgun blast through a window, killing him instantly. Neither the
shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been
erected at the 8th floor level to protect some window washers and
that the decedent would not have been able to complete his intent to
commit suicide because of this.

Ordinarily, a person who starts into motion the events with a
suicide intent ultimately commits suicide even though the mechanism
might be not what he intended. That he was shot on the way to
certain death nine stories below probably would not change his mode
of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicide
intent would not have been achieved under any circumstance caused
the medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands.

Further investigation led to the discovery that the room on the 9th
floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an
elderly man and his wife. He was threatening her with the shotgun
because of an interspousal spat and became so upset that he could
not hold the shotgun straight. Therefore, when he pulled the
trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through
the window striking the decedent.

When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the
attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. The old man was
confronted with this conclusion, but both he and his wife were
adamant in stating that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded.
It was the longtime habit of the old man to threaten his wife with
an unloaded shotgun. He had no intent to murder her; therefore,
the killing of the decedent appeared then to be accident. That is,
the gun had been accidentally loaded.

But *further* investigation turned up a witness that their son was
seen loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal
accident. That investigation showed that the mother (the old lady)
had cut off her son's financial support and her son, knowing the
propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded
the gun with the expectation that the father would shoot his mother.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the
death of Ronald Opus.

Further investigation revealed that the son became increasingly
despondent over the failure of his attempt to get his mother
murdered. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March
23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a 9th story window.

The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

A successful lawyer dies of a heart attack and ascends up to Heaven.
He reaches the Pearly Gates, where he is greeted by St. Peter.

"Well, what's can I do for you?" asks St Peter.

"I've just died, can I come into Heaven?" responds the lawyer.

St. Peter consults a clipboard. "I can't seem to find you down here.
You should probably be in THE OTHER PLACE."

The lawyer peers over St. Peter's shoulder and spots his name on the
list. "Look, there, I can see my name!  You must let me in now."

St. Peter looks at the list again and says, "No, that can't be you,
you've got the same name, you're both lawyers, but it's definitely
not you."

The lawyer is getting desperate now. "But it must be me, there can't
be two lawyers with the same name who've died today! Please let me
in."

St. Peter looks up and says, "You're definitely not on my list.
You're only 45 years old, and judging by the number of hours this
guy here has billed his clients, he's at least 120!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Q: What does a man enjoy the most about oral sex?
A: Ten minutes of silence.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Two unattached office girls decided it would make good economic
sense if they teamed up and shared a room on holiday. After they
booked in to the hotel room one turned to the other and rested her
hand on her shoulder.

"There's something I haven't told you about myself," she said.
"I'll be frank......."

"Oh, no you won't," interrupted her friend, "I'LL be Frank."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

What do a hurricane and a marriage have in common?

In the beginning there is a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the
end you lose your house.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

     Tales of Parenthood (The Real Story) by John McGill

Highlights from this weekend with the kids:

1) Tried to explain what "Mutant" meant to my four year old
   without using my wife as an example.

2) Spent 40 minutes answering questions regarding the anatomical
   differences between Ninja turtles, Gamera, and the turtles at
   the pet store.

3) Kyle, the two year-old, finger-painted the walls in his room with
   the waste he pulled out of his diaper.

4) Had to answer the question "Why do you laugh when the Simpsons
   are bad and not when I am?"

5) Found that "Pop-Tart" I gave my son three weeks ago!

6) Watched my sons destroy one of those blow-up punching bags in
   less than twenty minutes.

7) Broke up 17 fights.

8) Had my testicles stepped on by the children 7 1/2 times. (1/2 was
   the left one only).

9) Had to answer question "Why doesn't GI-Joe have a wee-wee?"

10) Missed out on the Rice Spitting contest in the dining room.

11) The dog submitted its two week notice.

12) I smacked Kyle's butt (the one in diapers) and blew a load
    down his leg and onto the rug.

13) New names I was called this weekend: "DummyHead, PoopyHead and
    GoofyHead."

14) Woke up Sunday morning with one kid sleeping on my stomach,
    one on my left arm (numb for an hour) and the dog sleeping
    across my legs. My wife escaped to sleep on the couch.

15) We saluted during the burial at sea (the toilet) of one of the
    goldfish. I explained the toilet runs to the river. My son is
    now afraid of drinking the dead goldfish, because he knows
    drinking water comes from the river.

16) Had to explain to John why we couldn't rent "The Devil in Miss
    Jones" at the video store Friday. We settled on Spiderman.
    Bummer.

17) Said "Don't suck your thumb" about thirty times.

18) Said "Don't pick your nose" about ten times.

19) My son John came in on Sunday telling me that Kyle had eaten all the
    "pills" he found in Mommy's pocketbook. I panicked, ran out and
    found Kyle with the empty TIC TAC container and beautiful breath.

20) Used the old "Doggies Playing Leapfrog" explanation at the park.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

RELIGIOUS VIEWS OF LIFE

Taoism: Sh*t happens
Confucianism: Confucius say: "Sh*t happens"
Buddhism: If sh*t happens, it isn't really sh*t
Zen: What is the sound of sh*t happening?
Hinduism: This sh*t happened before
Mormonism: This sh*t is going to happen again
Islam: If sh*t happens, it is the will of Allah
Protestantism: Let sh*t happen to someone else
Catholicism: If sh*t happens, then you deserve it
Judaism: Why does this sh*t always happen to us?
Agnosticism: What is this sh*t?
Christian Science: When sh*t happens, don't call a doctor. Pray!
Puritanism: Don't step in the sh*t
Atheism: I don't believe this sh*t
Calvanism: Sh*t happens because you don't work hard enough
Seventh Day Adventist: No sh*t on Saturdays
Hedonism: There's nothing like a good sh*t happening
Moonies: Only happy sh*t really happens
Stoicism: This sh*t is good for me
Hare Krishna: Sh*t happens rama rama
Zoroasttrianism: Sh*t happens half the time
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this sh*t
Existentialism: Sh*t doesn't happen--sh*t is
Secular Humanism: Sh*t evolves
AA: Dealing with sh*t one day at a time
Dianetics: Why does sh*t happen?  See page 157 ...

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Two tall trees are growning in the woods. A small tree begins to
grow between them. One tree says to the other, "Is that a son of a
beech or a son of a birch?" The other tree says that he cannot tell.

A woodpecker lands on the small tree.

The big tree says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell
us if that is the son of a beech or the son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is
neither a son of a beech nor the son of a birch, old chaps. That,
gentlemen, is the best piece of ash I have ever had my pecker in!"

********************************************************************
 Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************

"HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail
list server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more information
on Lyris, see <http://www.lyris.com/>.

To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following
command to <lyris@lyris.net>:

subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country

where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems,
then either (1) send any message to <HumourNet-info@lyris.net> for
a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web
interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>, or (3) send a *detailed*
description of the problem to <Listmom@telephonet.com>.

To unsubscribe, visit our Web interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>
or refer to your Welcome message for detailed instructions.

For instructions on contributing to HumourNet, send any message to
<contribution-guidelines@lyris.net>.

>>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors,
not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the
text wherever possible. <<<

The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP:

    Web: <http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/>
    FTP: <ftp://ftp.humournet.com/pub/HumourNet/Collage.Archives/>

Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that
1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line
containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer,
and 2) no fee is charged.

There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a
copy of them, send any message to <posting-guidelines@lyris.net>, or
refer to your Welcome message.

********************************************************************
    "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
********************************************************************
</collage113>