Collage 114               H u m o u r N e t               10 AUG 95

Distributed to 17 countries (including a recent surge of
subscriptions from Delhi, India) and more than two-dozen states ...

Collage 114 is a TOP TEN of David Letterman Top Tens, c/o Sue
Trowbridge and the "Top Ten" list. (Okay, for all the pedants out
there who are sure to correct me on this, there are actually eleven
TOP TENs in this Collage. I had ten of them ready to go; then the
"Newtie Bits" piece came in, and I had to add it, so deal with it.)

I've recently received three hopeful HumourNet contributions,
but each of them had already appeared in previous Collages. Keep up
the good work, though--I appreciate all submissions, even if they've
already appeared. "Thanks" to everyone who's been submitting
material lately.

Keep sending material my way, and I'll keep sending humor your way.

:-)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

TOP TEN WAYS TO MAKE HOCKEY MORE EXCITING

10. During playoffs, players dress up as their favorite Ice Capades
    character

 9. Canadians must play in bare feet

 8. All penalty minutes must be served sitting next to that guy who
    played "Doc" on "The Love Boat" [Bernie "Doc" Kopell storms out
    of the theater]

 7. Just barely visible under ice: frozen body of Walt Disney

 6. Replace zamboni with white Ford Bronco

 5. "Your New Jersey Devils starting goalie -- Miss Katharine Hepburn"

 4. New snack bar item: players' missing teeth dipped in fudge

 3. Every team roster must include one lesser known cast member
    from "The Love Boat," like that guy who played "Doc" [Kopell
    storms out *again*]

 2. Only guys named Stanley get to wear a cup

 1. Let Michael Jordan take a crack at it

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR CAMP COUNSELOR IS NUTS

10. When campers arrive yells, "Welcome to Funky Town!" and starts
    pounding the Riunite

 9. Has you make your own squirrel jerky

 8. Announces, "We'll be training at this camp for two weeks, and
    then off to 'Nam!"

 7. Checks himself for ticks a little too frequently

 6. Whenever he tells ghost stories around the fire, he gets scared
    and wets his pants

 5. The only craft he teaches you is check forgery

 4. Even in restaurants he orders bugs and rainwater

 3. He's this guy (videotape of nutty guy wearing a jumpsuit
    decorated with fruit)

 2. Building a white Bronco out of popsicle sticks

 1. Former social director of Carnival Cruise Lines

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

TOP TEN OTHER WAYS SADDAM HUSSEIN CAN IMPROVE HIS IMAGE

10. Start acting only moderately insane

 9. Vow to keep the bathing suit competition in the Miss Iraq
    contest

 8. Claim it was his wife, Hillary, not he, who made all decisions
    concerning the Whitewater land deal

 7. Move to New York and become a courteous, well-groomed cab
    driver

 6. Star in new sitcom "Husseinfeld"

 5. Assassinate Hootie and seize control of the Blowfish

 4. Turn Kuwait into the world's biggest Starbucks Coffee Bar

 3. Appear in one of those milk mustache ads [photo of Saddam
    with a milk mustache]

 2. Put a warhead in his pants and blow his ass to Neptune

 1. Nail one of them Baghdad hookers

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

TOP TEN SIGNS YELTSIN'S HEALTH IS IMPROVING

10. Doesn't have to rest between saying each syllable in
    "Stolichnaya"

 9. While still red, his nose no longer emitting sizzling
    noise

 8. Opened last night as the new Norma Desmond in "Sunset
    Boulevard"

 7. He's been taking the nurses' temperature, if you know
    what I mean

 6. Has begun working out with that O.J. video

 5. Just filmed a new infomercial for his "Yeltsinizer"
    exercise machine

 4. Went to comedy club and beat the crap out of Yakov
    Smirnoff

 3. Looks almost as good as the preserved body of Lenin

 2. His ass no longer looks like a breakaway republic

 1. Blood alcohol level is back up to a healthy 53%

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

TOP TEN WAYS TO DISCOURAGE TEENS FROM SMOKING

10. Spread rumor that cigarettes cause acne

 9. Ask "Don't you want to be around for Dick Clark's Rockin'
    New Year's 2050?"

 8. Have Fonzie tell 'em!  The kids love that guy!

 7. Tell them they have to smoke!  If I know teenagers, that's
    exactly what they won't do!  Am I right?

 6. Explain that it spoils the taste of crack

 5. Point out how chances of having illicit sex improve if you
    don't smell like an ashtray

 4. Start stressing the glamour of heavy drinking

 3. Just keep saying "Hey, teen dudes!  Non-smokers rule!"

 2. Tell them they'll end up like that fruity ass bastard in
    the Montclair ads [photo of Dave in yachting cap and ascot]

 1. Four words: photo of Keith Richards

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

TOP TEN WAYS THE U.S. WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF IT WERE OWNED BY DISNEY

10. Defense Dept. spends billions on "Flubber" missile

 9. Convicted killers must listen to "It's a Small World" for the
    rest of their lives

 8. Presidents on Mt. Rushmore rigged up to sing like barbershop
    quartet

 7. Winning athletes exclaim, "I'm going to any random spot in the
    country!"

 6. We'd get to see Janet Reno in one of those tight Mouseketeer
    outfits

 5. Al Gore replaced by more lifelike Audioanimatron

 4. Platoon of Country Bears sent to Bosnia as "Operation Jamboree"

 3. We'd bomb Busch Gardens back to the Stone Age

 2. Just like cows in India, sacred mice would wander the streets

 1. Instead of Whitewater, Goofygate

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

TOP TEN SIGNS OF SLOPPINESS IN THE L.A.P.D. CRIME LAB

10. Test tubes not washed between vodka shots

 9. Findings that state "all fingerprints pretty much the same"

 8. When they run out of salt, sprinkle DNA on lunch

 7. Reports copied word-for-word from old "Quincy" episodes

 6. Claimed results showed it was impossible for man to have first
    name of "Dick" and last name of "Assman"

 5. Technician borrowed bloody glove to do some weed-pulling in
    backyard

 4. Blood sample too small?  Add some water and red food coloring

 3. Somebody keeps using test tubes as way to save a walk to the
    bathroom

 2. No more O.J. blood?  just cut yourself

 1. Lab director: Rosa Lopez

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

TOP TEN ITEMS ON THE WESTINGHOUSE "TO DO" LIST

10. Learn difference between network and a hole in the ground

 9. Review pay package of TV host David Letterman

 8. Rehire Connie Chung to sell toasters door-to-door

 7. Lead story on every CBS newscast: Westinghouse appliances still
    dependable and affordably priced!

 6. Six words: "Dr. Quinn, Totally Nude Medicine Woman"

 5. Find out who the hell this "Johnny Carwash" is

 4. Have Anna-Nicole Smith keep marrying rival network executives
    until they're all dead

 3. See if Westinghouse engineers can fix Fran Drescher's voice

 2. Assemble all employees for a huge party followed by massive
    layoffs

 1. "The Late Show with Dick Assman"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

TOP TEN MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARD CATEGORIES MICHAEL JACKSON IS
NOMINATED IN

10.  Best Editing of Facial Feature

 9.  Outstanding Performance in an Ongoing Police Investigation

 8.  Weirdest Male Artist

 7.  Weirdest Female Artist

 6.  Best Performance in a Black And White Video by Artist Who
     Isn't Really Either

 5.  New Video by Guy with a Brother Named Tito

 4.  Best Singer Who Talks Just Like Mike Tyson

 3.  Least Life-Like Nose

 2.  Best Acting in a Marriage

 1.  Best New Face

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

TOP TEN MICHAEL JACKSON MARRIAGE TIPS

10. Mickey Mouse ears make a great birth control device

 9. Be considerate -- try not to hog the monkey

 8. Keep the moonwalking crap to a minimum

 7. Apologize after saying something like "I wish I'd married the
    remains of the Elephant Man instead of you!"

 6. Whenever wife complains about how freakin' weird you are, show
    her a picture of Prince

 5. Make it clear that as far as she's concerned, your pants are
    "Neverland"

 4. Pretend not to notice when she flirts with other androgynous
    freaks

 3. Maintain joint account with Revlon

 2. Keep having surgery until you and your wife are identical twins

 1. Two words: beat it!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

TOP TEN THINGS REVEALED IN NEWT GINGRICH EXPOSE

10. Though his name is Newt, he's actually half salamander

 9. Can eat a mound of peanuts as big as his head

 8. Will make love to wife only after she says, "I yield to the
    Congressman from Georgia"

 7. Once had an actual newt lodged in his Gingrich

 6. Does a lot of "pounding the gavel," if you know what I mean

 5. For two years, hosted Donahue show

 4. Dresses up like Unabomber, sneaks up on congressional aides and
    pops paper bags

 3. His mom now has Connie Chung doing yardwork

 2. Recently lost "World's Goofiest Name" title to Dick Assman

 1. Four words: Newtie And the Blowfish

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