Collage 115               H u m o u r N e t               11 AUG 95

Well, I missed it by a day or two, but this week was the 18th
anniversary of the capture and arrest of David Berkowicz, otherwise
known as the "Son of Sam." He was responsible for at least 6 murders
and 7 woundings in New York City before his capture in 1977.

He was also a disgruntled postal employee.

Really! He was. Do we see a pattern here? (For our international
members: there is an interesting pattern in the U.S. of
disgruntled postal employees taking their frustrations out on their
fellow human beings via armed assault.) What I don't understand is
*why* there are disgruntled postal employees in the first place.
Think about it--they have a *great* health-benefits plan, *AND* they
get first shot at all that "Publisher's Clearing House" mail. :-)

OTOH, just having to deliver Perri's miscellaneous soccer-equipment
purchases (not to mention the Speigel Catalog stuff) is enough to
send anyone to seek the security of heavy ammo ...

Ah, well. And then there's the unsubstantiated rumor that Saddam
Hussein worked for the U.S. Post Office. And speaking of that
pillar of military tactics, the first joke in this Collage is c/o
Kim (who is currently pursuing her pilot's license), augmenting the
pile of Iraq jokes that appeared in Collage 111. The rest of the
Collage (*all* of it) is once again credited to Lorraine.

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

Q: Why is it easier to train Iraqi Air Force pilots than American pilots?
A: Because they only have to learn how to take off.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

It was with much wringing of hands that Rachael discovered her
husband, Hymie, had a mistress. Rachael, however, was not the sort
to kill the goose that lays golden egg; rather, she decided to find
out what the mistress had that she didn't.

After a long interrogation, Hymie finally relented. "Well, to tell
you you the truth, Rachael, you are too cold. When we make love you
don't do anything. You just lie there, whereas she moans and groans
with feeling."

"Is that all?" thought Rachael, "Is that all there is to it?"

That night she dressed in her most alluring lingerie, slipped Hymie
a shot of his favourite cognac and got him into bed.

Half way through the business she decided to give him her most
passionate moans and groans ...

"Oh Hymie, darling," she began. "I've had the most terrible day.
Our shares dropped two points. The washing machine broke down. you
don't give me enough housekeeping money ..."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Four women, one English, one American, one German and one French,
were all asked the same question:

"What would you do if you were shipwrecked on an island with a
regiment of soldiers?"

The English woman said she would hide. The American said she would
seek the protection of the commanding officer. The German woman
said she would be out marching and it wouldn't bother her.

The French woman thought for a moment; "I understand ze question,
but what seems to be ze problem?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Q. How come it takes 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A. Because they're male and refuse to ask directions...

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

From New Scientist, 28 august 93, Feedback column:

"The National Westminster Bank admitted last month that it keeps
personal information about its customers--such as their political
affiliations--on computer. But now Computer Weekly reveals that a
financial institution, sadly unnamed, has gone one better and moved
into the realm of personal abuse.

The institution decided to mailshot 2000 of its richest customers,
inviting them to buy extra services. One of its computer
programmers wrote a program to search through its databases and
select its customers automatically. He tested the program with an
imaginary customer called Rich Bastard.

Unfortunately, an error resulted in all 2000 letters being addressed
"Dear Rich Bastard." The luckless programmer was subsequently
sacked."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

New England farmers have the reputation of being people of very few
words. One time, a cattle rancher from Texas was on vacation in New
England, and decided to take a drive through the countryside. Along
a road, he saw a farmer working on a fence, and decided to stop and
chat.

"How ya' doin' there, pardner?" the Texan called out. The farmer
glanced up momentarily, but continued to work on the fence.

"This here your farm?" bellowed the Texan. The farmer nodded, but
kept right on working.

"Well, lemme tell you, I'm a farmer too. I've got a HUGE cattle
ranch in Texas, biggest goshdarn thang ya ever did see. In fact, I
can get up in the morning and start driving, and I can go until
lunchtime and STILL not reach the end of my land!" he said.

The New Englander, never looking up, said, "Had a car like that
once."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Ice is no longer available in the drinks in the cafeterias at
Texas A&M. The senior who knew the recipe graduated.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding
down Main Street. "But, officer," the man began, "I can explain--"

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool
your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say--"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said,
"Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be
in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the
groom."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

A very good man dies, and as a reward for a life well-spent, goes to
heaven. When he arrives, St. Peter meets him at the gate.

"Welcome," says St. Peter, "since you were such a good person in
life, you may enter heaven."

"Thank you," said the man. "But before I come in, could you tell me
what kind of other people are here?"

"Well, all kinds," replied St. Peter.

"Are there any convicted criminals in heaven?" asked the man.

"Yes, some," said St. Peter.

"Are there any communists in heaven?" asked the man.

"Yes, there are," replied St. Peter.

"Are there any Nazis in heaven? asked the man.

"Just a few," said St. Peter.

"Well, are there any lawyers in heaven?" asked the man.

St. Peter replied "What, and ruin it for everyone else?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

There was a story in the Sydney Morning Herald a few weeks back
about a robber who held up a bank, took all the cash from customers,
and then walked over to a teller and had her deposit it in his
account. The police were waiting for him when he got home.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

The seven dwarfs were in a Catholic church. They were sitting near
the rear and as the priest was speaking, they whispered and giggled
amongst themselves, causing quite a disturbance. All of a sudden,
Dopey stands up and says, "Priest, are there any midget nuns in the
church?"

"No," said the priest, "There are no midget nuns in the church."

A little time passed and the dwarfs were again whispering and
giggling amongst themselves causing quite a disturbance and
noticeably angering the priest.

Soon, Dopey stands up again and asks, "Priest, are there any midget
nuns in the city?"

"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the city or in the church."
says the priest.

Again the dwarfs resume their annoying giggling to the dismay of the
priest.

A slightly agitated Dopey stands up and asks "Priest, are there any
midget nuns in the state?"

"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the state, in the city, and
no midget nuns in the church." exclaimed the priest, obviously
upset. The dwarfs continue their interference. Dopey stands up and
demands, "Priest, are there any midget nuns in the country!"

The priest, totally angered, exclaims "No, my son, there are no
midget nuns in the church, in the city, in the state, no midget nuns
in the country, there are no midget nuns in the whole world!!! Now
sit down!"

Soon afterward, a chant could be heard from the rear of the church,
"Dopey screwed a penguin. Dopey screwed a penguin. Dopey screwed a
penguin."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Which of the following doesn't belong?
(a) meat
(b) eggs
(c) wife
(d) oral sex.

Answer: (d) oral sex, because it's possible to beat your meat, your
eggs, or your wife, but you can't beat oral sex.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Subject: Prognosis Joke

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the
checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and told her," If you don't
do the following, your husband will surely die."

1) Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to
work in a good mood.

2) At lunch, make him a warm nutritious meal and put him in a good
frame of mind before he goes back to work.

3) For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him
with household chores.

4) Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every
whim.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said
to her.

She replied, "You're going to die."

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