Collage 116               H u m o u r N e t               14 AUG 95

I have good news and bad news for everyone. The bad news is that
the Majordomo software bombed, and, on reboot, decided to erase the
entire mailing list. :-( It also concluded that the HumourNet did
not exist, which is why this morning's subscription requests were
returned as "List Not Found."

The good news is that you're one of the people who was on my backup
copy. :-) I think I recovered all but perhaps a dozen subscribers,
despite a hole about 6 days wide. If you know someone who subscribed
between last Tuesday (8 Aug) and today (14 Aug), and he has *not*
received this mailing, you might want to suggest that he re-subscribe.
(Note that subscription information now appears at the end of every
Collage.)

Hopefully, one of the people on my backup copy was Kimmo K. from
Finland, who takes the HumourNet's "Best Host/Domain-Name Combination
On The Net" Award. Finland's domain designator is ".fi"; Kimmo's host
name is "sci," yielding an e-mail address of:

		<user>@sci.fi

So, what's the prize? Well, along with seeing his name in worldwide
type, Kimmo has won a year's *** FREE *** subscription to HumourNet.
CONGRATULATIONS, KIMMO!

(Don't tell him that the subscriptions are already free--I've got
him convinced that he's won something really big here. :-)

And so, going out to about, oh, a dozen or so fewer places than
originally intended, we come to the current Collage, with kudos to
Lorraine for just about everything in here.

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

News of the Weird, June 30, 1995 by Chuck Shepherd

LEAD STORY

* In a May column, film critic Roger Ebert reported on the popular
Japanese animated film, "Pompoko," which features a family of cute
badger-like animals, but said the film would not likely be
successful in America. The badgers' secret weapon is an ability to
make their testicles grow large so that they can crush opponents.
Said a Japanese film fan, "The Japanese are more open about bodily
parts." He said kids in Japan find the secret weapon "hilarious."
[Chicago Sun-Times, 5-23-95]

THE LITIGIOUS SOCIETY

* Etta Stephens filed a lawsuit against Barnett Bank in Tampa, Fla.,
in May, seeking damages for the heart attack she suffered. She was
stricken after opening her monthly statement to find, due to bank
error, that her $20,000 money market account was empty. [USA Today,
5-24-95]

* In May, trial began in Toronto, Ontario, in the lawsuit by
Toronto-Dominion Bank to recover $3.5 million from Edward Del
Grande, who had borrowed for his businesses. Del Grande is
countersuing for $30 million, saying the problem was that the bank
had loaned him too much money. Del Grande charged that if the bank
had been more prudent, his companies could have survived the down
market in real estate. [Globe & Mail, 5-25-95]

* Recently, Chesapeake, Va., inmate Robert Lee Brock filed a $5
million lawsuit against Robert Lee Brock--accusing himself of
violating his religious beliefs and his civil rights by getting
himself drunk enough to engage in various crimes. He wrote, "I want
to pay myself five million dollars [for this breach of rights] but
ask the state to pay it in my behalf since I can't work and am a
ward of the state." In April, the lawsuit was dismissed. [Austin
American-Statesman-AP, 4-8-95]

* In June, the family of the late Bridgeport, Conn., radio station
executive Jefferson Ketcham filed a lawsuit in connection with his
recent death. The lawsuit charged Cobb's Mill Inn and its waiter
Paul Kane with negligence because, when Kane drove the intoxicated
Ketcham home from the bar as a favor, he merely let him out of the
car and failed to accompany him into his house. Ketcham tripped on
the front steps, hit his head, and died. [Greenwich Time, 6-10-95]

* Bob Glaser filed a $5.4 million lawsuit in March against the city
of San Diego, Calif., for the "emotional trauma" he suffered at an
Elton John-Billy Joel concert, held at a municipal stadium. Some
women, thwarted by long lines for their rest room, had entered the
men's room, and Glaser said he was "extremely upset" at the sight of
a woman in front of him using a urinal. [San Francisco Examiner,
3-31-95]

* Tucson, Ariz., lawyer Howard Baldwin filed a lawsuit in February
against the local electric company, charging that meter reader Chuck
Leon literally frightened his poodle, Jasmine, to death. According
to Baldwin, when Jasmine saw Leon in the back yard, she crashed into
a glass door, "involuntarily urinated," then escaped out the rear
gate. She was found dead the next day, allegedly of exhaustion.
[Arizona Daily Star, 2-24- 95]

LITIGIOUS PRISONERS

* The attorneys general of New York and Minnesota recently announced
their states' "top 10" lists of frivolous lawsuits. New York
prisoners have filed lawsuits alleging a defective haircut by the
prison barber, improper "white" towels instead of "beige," and an
ice cream dessert that was largely melted. Minnesota inmates have
filed lawsuits demanding damages for being provided an improper
variety of beans on the menu, a lack of salsa, a surfeit of bologna,
and underwear that was too tight ("cruel and unusual punishment").
One Minnesota inmate said his primary purpose in filing his lawsuit
was "pure delight in spending taxpayers' money."[N. Y. Post,
6-13-95] [St. Paul Pioneer Press, 3-25-95]

* In Indiana, a soon-to-take-effect law will allow prison officials
to deny good-time credit to prisoners who file frivolous lawsuits.
Among Indiana's most frivolous pending lawsuits is one asking
damages because meat and vegetables were served somewhat mixed
together on a dinner plate. [USA Today, 5-12-95]

* In Idaho in April, three inmates filed a $10.7 million lawsuit
against Cassia County because jail guards failed to give them
late-night snacks. [USA Today, 4-24-95]

* A public employees' union in Ontario, among whose members are
prison guards who staged a walkout in 1989, agreed in February to
pay 11 hospitalized criminals $45,000 for their having been
"inconvenienced" during the labor dispute. The leader of the 11,
psychotic murderer Michael Krueger, got $2,250. [Edmonton
Journal-Ottawa Citizen, 2-10-95]

CLICHES COME TO LIFE

* In Amarillo, Tex., in May, citizen Joe Brooks, spotting a man who
was fleeing police officers in a public park, galloped after him on
horseback and lassoed him. [Brownsville Herald-AP, 5- 26-95]

* Protective fathers of teenage daughters in the news: In October,
according to police in Oshkosh, Wis., Thomas A. Hunt, 48, roughed
up the boyfriend of his 15-year-old stepdaughter, wrapped him
head-to-toe in duct tape, and abandoned him in a nearby town. And
in Toronto, Ontario, in January, Desmond Kelley was sentenced to 15
months in jail for a 1993 incident in which he forced his daughter's
boyfriend to leap from a fifth- floor balcony after catching the
couple naked. [Milwaukee Sentinel, 11-9-94; Edmonton Journal-CP,
1-28-95]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

The father was giving advice to his son just before his marriage.

"Son," he said, "in the beginning it will be tri-weekly. After ten
years it will be try weekly, and after twenty years it will be try
weakly."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

A man is on a plane flying across the pacific, and the plane
crashes.

He manages to swim to a nearby deserted island and make a small
shelter out of a piece of the wrecked fuselage.

Days and weeks roll by, when suddenly one morning a scuba diver
appears out of the surf.

Our desert island nerd stops playing with his coconuts and stares as
the black clad figure moves closer. The figure doffs the breathing
apparatus and mask ... and (in the interest of a good joke) it's a
voluptuous woman.

She shakes free her long flowing hair (boy, what a sad life I
lead!), and unzips a chest pocket (sad AND perverted!) and hands the
nerd a hip flask. "Something to drink?"

She then unzips another chest pocket and hands the nerd a small
container of caviar. "Something to eat?" she asks.

The nerds eyes start bulging as she begins to unzip the main zipper
... slowly revealing a bigger cleavage than the brickie that built
my garage ... she pauses and asks, "You fancy playing around?"

"Wow! You've a set of golf clubs in there?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

A young lady is out cycling down a country lane in a very rural part
of England. She's wearing a VERY skimpy pair of hot pants.

After about an hour of cycling she gets completely lost, so when she
sees a farmer in field, she stops and calls over to him.

"Excuse me, but is this the way to Wareham?"

(Best yokel accent...)

"Oi donno miss, but they sure look nice as thay are!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

A farmer sitting on his porch noticed a highway-department truck
pull over on the road's shoulder. A man got out, dug a sizable hole
in the ditch, and got back in the vehicle. A few minutes later, the
other occupant of the truck got out, filled up the hole, tamped the
dirt, and got back in the truck.

Then they drove forward on the shoulder about 50 yards and repeated
the process--digging, waiting, refilling. After a half-dozen
repetitions, the farmer sauntered over to them. "What are you
doin'?" he asked.

"We're on a highway beautification project," the driver said. "And
the guy who puts the tree in the hole is home sick today."

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