Collage 117               H u m o u r N e t               14 AUG 95

Well, it looks as if the list server problems have been resolved.
Since the last couple of days have seen quite a bit of list
jockeying, some of you might erroneously have been subscribed twice.
If you receive more than one copy of this (or any other) Collage,
let me know, and I'll fix the problem.

In other news, there is apparently a (new?) book on the market,
whose title is something to the effect of "How To Make Your Man
Behave In 21 Days or Less Using Techniques Developed By Professional
Dog Trainers."

Women. Always trying to get from self-help books what a little oral
sex could produce in ... well, never mind. Of course, just imagine
all the fun that the National Organization for Whining (whooops--how
un-PC of me) would be having right now (and how many bookstores
would be in flames) if the word "Man" in the title were changed to
"Woman" ...

(WARNING: Another quick, neck-saving segue coming up.) Going out to
21 countries--including 27 states, three provinces, and no known dog
trainers--it's HumourNet Collage Number 117. Accolades ...

Thanks go to Bruce for the "More Legal Lunacy" piece, to the ever-
perseverant Ken for "Panda Semantics," and to the soon-departing
Nancy :-( for "More True Facts."

Happy bytes!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: More Legal Lunacy

From the "Courier Mail" (Local paper in Brisbane, Australia)

A book untitled "Legal Lunacy" just published in the US reveals it
is still an offence in Washington state to pretend your parents are
rich; it is illegal in Oklahoma to give liquor to a fish; Chicago
can toss you into jail for eating in a place that's on fire;
peeling an orange in your hotel room is banned in California; and a
woman can't drive in Memphis, Tennessee, unless a man is running in
front waving a red flag to warn other drivers.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More True Facts

<Edinburgh Evening News of August 18, 1978>

While they were waiting at a bus stop in Clermiston, Mr. and Mrs.
Daniel Thirsty were threatened by Mr. Robert Clear. "He demanded
that I give him my wife's purse," said Mr. Thirsty. "Telling him
that the purse was in her basket, I bent down, put my hands up her
skirt, detached her artifical leg and hit him over the head with it.
It was not my intention to do any more than frighten him off but,
unhappily for us all, he died."

From a true crime book:

Dwarfing all known records for matrimonial homicide, Mr. Peter
Scott of Southsea made seven attempts to kill his wife without her
once noticing that anything was wrong. In 1980 he took out an
insurance policy on his good lady which would bring him stlg250,000
in the event of her accidental death. Shortly afterward, he placed
a lethal dose of mercury in her strawberry flan, but it all rolled
out. Not wishing to waste this deadly substance, he next stuffed
her mackerel with the entire contents of the bottle. This time she
ate it, but with no side effects whatsoever. Warming to the task,
he then took his better half on holiday to Yugoslavia. Recommending
the panoramic views, he invited her to sit on the edge of a cliff.
She declined to do so, prompted by what she later described as some
"sixth sense." The same occurred only weeks later when he urged her
to savour the view from Beachy Head. When his spouse was in bed
with chicken-pox he started a fire outside her bedroom door, but
some interfering busybody put it out. Undeterred, he started
another fire and burnt down the entire flat. The wife of his bosom
escaped uninjured. Another time he asked her to stand in the middle
of the road so that he could drive toward her and check if his
brakes were working. At no time did Mrs. Scott feel that the magic
had gone out of their marriage. Since it appeared that nothing
short of a small nuclear bomd would have alerted this good woman to
her husband's intentions, he eventually gave up and confessed
everything to the police. After the case, a detective said Mrs.
Scott had been "absolutely shattered" when told of her husband's
plot to kill her. "She had not twigged at all and was bumbstruck."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Panda Semantics

A panda (yes, one of those large, black and white Chinese bears),
walking in a red light district, sees a prostitute waving to him
from a third-floor window. Feeling a soft tingling sensation down
between his legs, he goes to her. She leads him into a back
bedroom, where she feeds him sweet cakes before having sex with him.
An hour later, standing by the bed, he pulls on his black and white,
fur covered boxer shorts and heads for the door.

"And just WHERE do you think you're going," cries the prostitute.
"What about the money you're supposed to pay me?"

"My species doesn't pay for sex," replies the panda, raising a
single toenail as he turns to face the woman. "And just WHERE does
it say that I'm SUPPOSED to pay you anyway?"

The prostitute goes to a bookshelf and produces a sizable
dictionary.

"Here," she says, tossing it at the bear, "find it yourself! Look
up the word 'prostitute.'" The panda opens the dictionary and claws
through it (lack of opposable thumbs), mumbling as he scans the
pages.

"... promote ... propose ... prospect--ah, here it is,
'pros'ti.tute, N. Woman who engages in sexual intercourse for pay.'
Yeah ... well so what?"

"So what?" says the prostitute. "So pay up!"

The panda tosses the book back at the woman.

"Look up the word 'panda'".

The woman flips the pages, reading, "pan'da, N. Large bear. Eats
shoots and leaves."

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