Collage 118               H u m o u r N e t               16 AUG 95

Okay, okay, "thank you" to everyone who was, uh, kind enough to
point out that Collage 117 referenced itself as number 113. I have
trouble counting once I get past 21 ... :-) Plus, I haven't screwed
up a Collage reference since sixty-something (I think). So,
apologies to all who were confused. And now, back to our regularly-
scheduled program ...

According to a local (Washington, D.C.) radio station, Mary Hart
has received more than 200 sexually-explicit letters from a man
in Massachussetts.

Now we know what Ted Kennedy's been up to.

And, thanks to Nancy, we also know what the Disney heroines have
been up to lately. Coming to you as Collage 118 <he checks the
number just to be sure>, we have the transcript of the "Disney
Heroine Round Table"--a thoroughly enjoyable discourse by the
leading ladies of Disney animation, brought to you by the soon-to-
be-departing Nancy (thanks for the contribution, and best of luck
in the new endeavors).

It's a round table of [mostly] modern Disney heroines, so put on
your flak jackets and HAVE AT IT!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

(Transcript of the Disney Heroine Round Table, 1992 Edition, held in
King Stefan's Banquet Hall at Disney World on Dec. 1, 1992, Snow White
moderating.)

Snow: Well, this is all tremendously exciting. Every decade or so,
the nice folks at Disney sponsor a get-together with all the lead
actresses of recent animated features. This gives us a chance to
chat, exchange tips on how to clean house ...

Jasmine: Allah, give me strength.

Snow: ... and, over all, just get to know each other as girls.

Belle: Women.

Snow: Since I was the first full-length Disney heroine, they
generally ask me to moderate. And I'd like to welcome this year's
guests--Princess Jasmine from Aladdin ...

Jasmine: Is this going to take long?

Snow: Belle from Beauty and the Beast--and congratulations again on
that Best Picture nomination.

Belle: Thank you. We were robbed. Losing to a cannibal--now,
what does that say about society and its priorities? In the words
of Sartre ...

Snow: And, of course, Ariel from The Little Mermaid.

Ariel: It's exciting to meet you, Snow.

Snow: Thank you. Um, you're dripping on my clean floor.

Ariel: Oh. Sorry.

Snow: We were also going to be joined by Olivia Flaversham, the
plucky little heroine from The Great Mouse Detective. But we had a
bit of a mishap, because someone on the panel couldn't control her
rather large kitty cat.

Jasmine: Look, I already said I was sorry. I'm no happier about it
than anybody else. If the damned invitation had said there were
going to be mice running around, I wouldn't have brought Rajah along
in the first place. Okay? Let's move on.

Snow: I must say, before we start, that I admit my breath is a bit
taken away by the changes in clothing styles for Disney heroines.
With your little harem outfit, Jasmine, and you, Ariel, with
your--shells--and both of you with all that skin hanging out: It
seems a trifle--what's the word?

Belle: Sluttish?

Ariel: Oh, well, thanks a lot! Big talk from someone whose idea of
a good time is sitting around in an apron talking to sheep.

Belle: You talk to fish.

Ariel: But they talk back.

Snow: Actually, I was going to say "daring" rather than "sluttish."
But this really brings us to our first point of discussion: Namely,
what do you think our role in movies today should be?

Jasmine: I'll tell you what it shouldn't be. It shouldn't be
sitting around waiting for someone to "take you away from it all." I
mean, come on. Could you see me singing, "Some day my prince will
come"? Ack ack ack.

Snow: You don't have to stick your finger down your throat and gag,
Jasmine. It happens to be a lovely song.

Ariel: Jasmine's right. Life isn't something that happens to you.
Life is what you make happen. You have to take control. That's
what I did.

Jasmine: Me, too.

Belle: So did I.

Jasmine: Oh, sure. Right.

Belle: I did! Really!

Ariel: Sure you did. First you walked around town, looking down
your nose and talking about how provincial all these hard-working
villagers are and how there has to be more to life than that. If
Cruella De Vil had sung the exact same thing, people would have said
it was the most arrogant song ever written.

Belle: But ...

Jasmine: And, while you said you want more out of life, you didn't
do anything to get it.

Belle: Yes, I did! I gave up my liberty, sacrificing for my
father! I promised I'd stay a prisoner in the Beast's castle,
forever!

Ariel: Uh huh. And how long was it before you went running out the
front door saying, "Promise or no promise, I can't stay here another
minute?" A week? A month? A year?

Belle: Um ... well, actually ... about three, four hours, maybe.
But there are such things as promises made under duress, and they're
not always binding. Perhaps it's Machiavellian, but even so--

Jasmine: Well there's a woman of her word. Some heroine.

Snow: Ladies, I think we're getting off the topic.

Jasmine: Me, I defied my father. I had the guts to go against what
he said and run off.

Ariel: Your father. Heh.

Jasmine: What's that supposed to mean?

Ariel: The two of you with your fathers. You defied yours, she
sacrificed for hers. And you've both got these roly-poly, cute,
comedy-relief fathers. Me, I've got the King of the Sea for mine.
He throws around energy bolts and can bench press a whale. I'm the
only one with real guts here.

Belle: More guts than brains, that's for sure. Cutting deals with
the Sea Witch. There was a smooth move. Obviously, if you'd ever
read anything by Marlowe, you'd have realized the folly of that.

Snow: Belle, who are all these people you're talking about?

Belle: Authors. Playwrights. Philosophers. Crack open a book,
why don't you? You, too, Miss Turkish Trunks. And you too, Fishy.

Ariel: I read books. Human books.

Belle: Oh, right. You can't remember tough words like "feet" and
you don't know why fire burns. How'd they miss having you on
Jeopardy, I wonder. Oh, and here's a news flash for you: It's a
fork, okay? A fork. You eat food with a fork. You don't comb your
hair with it. If you combed your hair with it, it would be called a
comb, not a fork. All right, Einstein?

Jasmine: Some of us have royal duties to attend to and don't have a
lot of time for books.

Belle: That is so typical. You three are just typical elitist
examples of the societal class structure. All of you, born to
royalty. Bored children of privilege.

Snow: But you're royalty, too! At the end of the movie, you
married ... uh ... what was his real name?

Belle: I ... don't know. Besides, I was talking about being born
to entitlement. You lived your lives in castles, children of kings
and queens--or at least kings, since there never seem to be any
queens in Disney films. So you endured a couple of days of
hardship, dabbling in the sort of life that I lived every single
day, before you settled down with your prince. It's disgusting.
Particularly you, Ariel, who totally subverted everything she was in
order to be part of her man's world.

Ariel: Oh, yeah? You looked pretty comfortable strutting around in
that big yellow gown at the end. I didn't see you fighting to
remain a peasant.

Belle: That's all the underprivileged masses are to you, aren't
they? Peasants? The Proletariat. In the words of Karl Marx--

Ariel: Oh, Lord, here she goes again.

Snow: Actually, this presents us with a topic that might not cause
such bickering: Namely, what do you look for in a prince?

Ariel: Well, for me, it was love at first sight. I watched him
dancing, and talking, and ... I just knew.

Jasmine: "I just knew. I just knew." A guy flashes a smile and a
royal title at you, and you get mushy. Love at first sight is a
convenient excuse not to think.

Snow: Some of us, Jasmine, are fortunate enough to meet our prince
and be drawn to him immediately. Others of us turn princes into
kitty treats for our tigers.

Jasmine: Some of us, Snow, prefer thinking. Ariel, your prince was
heroic enough, but about as thick as a brick.

Ariel: Why, you ...

Jasmine: And you, Snow: You never so much as spoke to the guy.
How could you possibly have known he was the man for you? What
about him could possibly have drawn you to him?

Snow: If you want to know why I love him so, it's in his kiss.

Jasmine: That's where it is?

Belle: You're really pathetic, Snow, you know that? Not that I can
stand Ariel or Jasmine, but Eric defeated Ursula, and Ariel went off
with him. Aladdin defeated Jafar, and Jasmine married Aladdin. But
the dwarves ...

Snow: Dwarfs.

Belle: Whatever. ... risked their lives for you--they adored
you--and then some jerk prince comes along, gives you three seconds
of liplock, and you drop the dwarves ...

Snow: Dwarfs.

Belle: Whatever! ... drop them like a bad habit and go riding off
with him. What an ingrate.

Snow: *Sniff*

Ariel: Oh, great. Now you made her cry.

Jasmine: She's a big girl. She can take it.

Ariel: That's about the kind of empathy I'd expect from someone who
walks around in her pajamas all day.

Jasmine: Fish Face.

Ariel: Baklava Breath.

Belle: Ah, the upper class, displaying their typical--

Ariel and Jasmine: Shut up!

(A young blonde girl enters.)

Eilonwy: Excuse me? Am I too late for the meeting?

Snow: Who (sniffle) who are you?

Eilonwy: I'm Eilonwy. I'm a princess.

Belle: Oh, terrific. Another example of the--

Jasmine: I'm warning you, Belle: Rajah's still hungry.

Snow: I'm sorry, dear. You're who?

Eilonwy: Princess Eilonwy.

Snow: Well ... I don't know who sent you here, but this is for
Disney heroines.

Eilonwy: But I am a Disney heroine. I was in The Black Cauldron.

(Blank stares from everyone.)

Ariel: The what?

Eilonwy: Based on "The Chronicles of Prydain" books ...

Snow: Books? Belle, I hate to ask ...

Belle: Oh, right, now they come groveling.

Jasmine: Rajah! Time for din--

Belle: Okay, okay. It was a fantasy series by Lloyd Alexander.

Eilonwy: Right! And I was in the movie!

Jasmine: What movie?

Eilonwy: Oh, come on, didn't anyone see it? 1985? 80 minutes
long? Supposed to usher in a new era of Disney animation?

Ariel: Actually, my film did that.

Jasmine: Oh, aren't we full of ourselves.

Eilonwy: Sword-and-sorcery epic? There was me and Taran the
assistant pig-keeper, and Fflewddur Fflam ...

Jasmine: You must be joking.

Snow: No, wait! I remember now. I got a ticket for an advance
screening. But I was busy that night, so I sent Happy instead.

Eilonwy: What did he think?

Snow: He hated it. I've never seen Happy complain that much--or
at all. But he just kept talking about how awful it was. Grumpy
finally had to slap him.

Eilonwy: That's not fair! We were groundbreaking!

Belle: Poor spoiled princess, just like all the others. Boo-hoo.

Jasmine: That's it. Rajah!

Rajah: Rawwrrrrr!!

Belle: Eeeeeekk!!

(Sebastian walks in.)

Sebastian: Ariel, da king wants to know how long--eeepp!

Rajah: Raarrrr!

Belle: Let me out! Let me out!

Sebastian: Ohhh, mon!

Ariel: Put him down! I mean it!

Jasmine: Pajamas, huh?

Snow: You know, these discussion groups used to be fun. Me and
Cindy, we'd sit and chat for hours. Sure, Aurora would keep dozing
off ...

Belle: Shut up! Knock off that high-pitched little-girl voice!
It's making me nuts! And get me the hell out of here!

Snow: Well, I hope you'll all join us for our next discussion group ...

Sebastian: Arrrieellll!

Rajah: *Chomp* *Chomp*

Ariel: Jasmine! Make him spit him out! Right now!

Snow: It's going to be called, "Life's a Bitch, and So Am I."
Participants will be Lady from Lady and the Tramp, Perdita from
101 Dalmatians, and Georgette from Oliver and Company. I'm sure
the fur will really fly. Thanks for coming. Hi ho, hi ho.

Rajah: *Urrrp*

********************************************************************
 Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************

"HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail
list server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more information
on Lyris, see <http://www.lyris.com/>.

To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following
command to <lyris@lyris.net>:

subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country

where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems,
then either (1) send any message to <HumourNet-info@lyris.net> for
a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web
interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>, or (3) send a *detailed*
description of the problem to <Listmom@telephonet.com>.

To unsubscribe, visit our Web interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>
or refer to your Welcome message for detailed instructions.

For instructions on contributing to HumourNet, send any message to
<contribution-guidelines@lyris.net>.

>>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors,
not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the
text wherever possible. <<<

The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP:

    Web: <http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/>
    FTP: <ftp://ftp.humournet.com/pub/HumourNet/Collage.Archives/>

Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that
1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line
containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer,
and 2) no fee is charged.

There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a
copy of them, send any message to <posting-guidelines@lyris.net>, or
refer to your Welcome message.

********************************************************************
    "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
********************************************************************
</collage118>