Collage 119 H u m o u r N e t 17 AUG 95 Overheard on a local (Washington, D.C.) radio station: As we are all well aware by now, Saddam Hussein's daughters and a son-in-law have defected to Jordan, and are calling for Hussein's overthrow, trial for treason, and execution. That's going to be one uncomfortable holiday dinner. :-) Speaking of comedy-relief political figures, we have "More on Ted Kennedy" (a follow-up to the opener in Collage 118), with thanks to Ed. Also in this Collage are "The Assassin" and "An Introduction to Work," both credited to Lorraine. Happy bytes ... - Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator HumourNet@telephonet.com ____________________________________________________________________ Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message. ____________________________________________________________________ SUBJ: More on Ted Kennedy ... There was a young senator from Mass who wanted a new piece of ass. He lucked out and found her but f***ed up and drowned her and the White House slipped out of his grasp. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= "The Assassin" Fred went out for his usual round of golf. On the first tee, he met a stranger who suggested they play against each other. After a couple of holes, it became apparent to Fred that he was out of his league. "What do you play off?" he asked. "Scratch." "I thought as much! Playing like on a course you haven't played before! I bet you're a professional." "I am a professional, but not a golfer." They carried on for a while, Fred trying to guess the man's job without success. As they turned at the top of the ninth, Fred gave up. "Go on then. What do you do?" "I'm an assassin." "Go on. What do you do really?" "Like I said, I'm an assassin. I charge $10,000 a hit. I only do a few a year. The rest of the time I play golf. That's why my game is so good." "I don't believe you." "Believe it". And with that he pulled from his golf bag a sniper's rifle fitted with a silencer and a telescopic sight. "Jesus!" exclaimed Fred. "Can I have a look?" The assassin passed the gun over and Fred tried out the sight. "Bloody hell!" he exclaimed. "I can see my house from here and I can see my bedroom and I can see my bloody wife and my bloody neighbor in my bloody bedroom stark naked." He passed the gun back to the assassin. "Shoot them for me." "Don't be silly." "I mean it." "It's ten thousand a shot." "Do it." The assassin shrugged. "If you insist." He shouldered the rifle. "Where do you want them hit?" "Just get it done." "Look, I'm a professional. I take pride in my work. You're paying ten grand for each shot. The least I can do is shoot them exactly where you want. Where do you want them hit?" "Well, she's been a good woman to me so I guess I don't want her to suffer. Shoot her in the head." "And him?" "Shoot the bastard's balls off." The assassin bent to the 'scope. "Hmmm," he said, "I think I can save you ten grand here." ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: A simple introduction to work .... To really succeed in a business or organisation, it is sometimes helpful to now what your job is, and whether it involves any duties. Ask among your coworkers. "Hi," you should say. "I'm a new employee. What is the name of my job?" If they answer "long-range planner" or "lieutenant governor," you are pretty much free to lounge around and do crossword puzzles until retirement. Most jobs, however, will require some work. There are two major kinds of work in modern organizations: 1. Taking phone messages for people who are in meetings, and, 2. Going to meetings. Your ultimate career strategy will be to get a job involving primarily No. 2 (going to meetings) as soon as possible, because that's where the real prestige is. It is all very well and good to be able to take phone messages, but you are never going to get a position of power, a position where you can cost thousands of people their jobs with a single bonehead decision, unless you learn how to attend meetings. The first meeting ever was held back in the Mezzanine Era. In those days, Man's job was to slay his prey and bring it home for Woman, who had to figure out how to cook it. The problem was, Man was slow and basically naked, whereas the prey had warm fur and could run like an antelope. (In fact, it was an antelope, only nobody knew this). At last someone said, "Maybe if we just sat down and did some brainstorming, we could come up with a better way to hunt our prey!" It went extremely well, plus it was much warmer sitting in a circle, so they agreed to meet again the next day, and the next. But the women pointed out that, prey-wise, the men had not produced anything, and the human race was pretty much starving. The men agreed that was serious and said they would put it right near the top of their "agenda." At this point, the women, who were primitive but not stupid, started eating plants, and thus modern agriculture was born. It never would have happened without meetings. The modern business meeting, however, might better be compared with a funeral, in the sense that you have a gathering of people who are wearing uncomfortable clothing and would rather be somewhere else. The major difference is that most funerals have a definite purpose. Also, nothing is really ever buried in a meeting. An idea may look dead, but it will always reappear at another meeting later on. If you have ever seen the movie, "Night of the Living Dead," you have a rough idea of how modern meetings operate, with projects and proposals that everyone thought were killed rising up constantly from their graves to stagger back into meetings and eat the brains of the living. There are two major kinds of meetings: 1. Meetings that are held for basically the same reason that Arbor Day is observed - namely, tradition. For example, a lot of managerial people like to meet on Monday, because it's Monday. You'll get used to it. You'd better, because these account for 83% of all meetings (based on a study in which I wrote down numbers until one of them looked about right). This type of meeting operates the way "Show and Tell" does in nursery school, with everyone getting to say something--the difference being that in nursery school, the kids actually have something to say. When it's your turn, you should say that you're still working on whatever it is you're supposed to be working on. This may seem pretty dumb, since obviously you'd be working on whatever you're supposed to be working on, and even if you weren't, you'd claim you were, but that's the traditional thing for everyone to say. It would be a lot faster if the person running the meeting would just say, "Everyone who is still working on what he or she is supposed to be working on, raise your hand." You'd be out of there in five minutes, even allowing for jokes. But this is not how we do it in America. My guess is, that's how they do it in Japan. 2. Meetings where there is some alleged purpose. These are trickier, because what you do depends on what the purpose is. Sometimes the purpose is harmless, like someone wants to show slides of pie charts and give everyone a big, fat report. All you have to do in this kind of meeting is sit there and have elaborate fantasies, then take the report back to your office and throw it away, unless, of course, you're a vice president, in which case you write the name of a subordinate in the upper right hand corner, followed be a question mark, like this: "Norm?" Then you send it to Norm and forget all about it (although it will plague Norm for the rest of his career). But sometimes you go to meetings where the purpose is to get your "input" on something. This is very serious because it means that they want to ensure that in case whatever it is turns out to be stupid or fatal, you'll get some of the blame, so you have to escape from the meeting before they get around to asking you anything. One way is to set fire to your tie. Another is to have an accomplice interrupt the meeting and announce that you have a phone call from someone very important, such as the president of the company or the Pope. It should be one or the other. It would a sound fishy if the accomplice said, "You have a call from the president of the company, or the Pope." You should know how to take notes at a meeting. Use a yellow legal pad. At the top, write the date and underline it twice. Now wait until an important person, such as your boss, starts talking; when he does, look at him with an expression of enraptured interest, as though he is revealing the secrets of life itself. Then write interlocking rectangles like this: