Collage 121               H u m o u r N e t               21 AUG 95

A man in San Francisco recently received one of those bogus
$95,000.00 checks that direct-mail ("junk mail") advertising
companies are fond of throwing into their circulars to draw
the attention of the intellectual proletariat. Of course, these
checks are non-negotiable (or else my garbage can is worth at
least $2M). Undaunted by such details, however, our hero
decided to *deposit* the check into his bank account--AND THE
BANK PROCESSED THE TRANSACTION!

(I want an account at that bank. :-)

A few days later, he decided to withdraw the money--all $95K!
But, of course, all good things must come to an end, and so must
his good fortune. You see, somewhere down the line, someone
with an IQ above 12 realized that the transaction was bogus, and
the bank has demanded its money back (they probably want him to
return the toaster, too). Our hero, still undaunted by such details,
has refused to return the money, purportedly claiming that it's
rightfully his because the bank screwed up.

Heck, if he were smart, he'd return the money--minus a service fee,
a transaction fee, an under-minimum-balance fee, a handling charge,
an ATM charge, a check-processing fee, and a special "STUPID FEE."
He should clear at *least* $25K that way ...

Speaking of creatively-minded men with too much time (or too much of
*something*) on their hands, we have "Creative Housekeeping," with
thanks to Jim for the contribution. And the rest of the Collage
belongs to Lorraine. (Appropriately-sized "Thanks!" goes here.)

Happy laughs!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Creative Housekeeping ...

... I offer you this insight that I found in a book called Great
Medical Disasters, written by Dr. Richard Gordon:

"Many aging men fall desperately in love with their vacuum
cleaners--particularly the Hoover 'Dustette' model. These are
mistresses more dangerous than Carmen in torrid Seville.

"A London man was changing the plug of his 'Dustette' in the nude, while
his wife was out shopping, when it inexplicably turned inself on. A
railwayman was mysteriously caught in one which happened to be lying
about buzzing in his signal box. Another man was Hoovering a friend's
stairs in a dressing gown, when the suction got him. Another in Denver,
Colorado, was vacuuming his car in the back yard, dressed only in his
underpants. The cleaner clogged, he sat on the back steps to free it,
the motor started unexpectedly and drew him in, as a straw in the wind.

"All ten recorded cases were between fifty-five and seventy-five. All
ended disastrously in the hospital for suturing and skin grafting. The
whirring fan of a 'Dustette' seems a safe six inches inside, but the
surgeon remarked, 'They were driven to new lengths by the novelty of the
experience.'

"Some gentlemen become affectionate toward the doorstep milk bottle. As
a houseman (resident doctor), I encountered a man impassioned of a stone
hot-water bottle, the sort then warming beds in Britain's Dickensian
country hotels. It was a stonemason's job rather than a surgeon's. As
we guardedly chipped away the pottery, the patient commented only that
it had seemed a good idea at the time.

"Do not mock the peccadilloes of the old. Only with luck shall we live
to enjoy them ourselves."

(Editor's Note: Yeah, I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward
that ... </vs>)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

IVY-LEAGUE LIGHTBULB JOKES:

How many Princeton students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two--one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.

How many Brown students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eleven--one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the
experience.

How many Dartmouth students does it take to change a lightbulb?
None--Hanover doesn't have electricity.

How many Cornell students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two--One to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the
pressure.

How many Penn students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he gets six credits for it.

How many Columbia students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Seventy-six--one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the
lightbulb's right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a
counter-protest.

How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb?
None--New Haven looks better in the dark.

How many Harvard students does it take to change a lightbulb?
One--he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Doctor's Orders

Paddy O'Toole walked into a bar, and called out to the bartender,
"Gimme three beers, please!"

Bartender sets 'em up, watches Paddy pop 'em down, one, two, three.
"Say there. I'm curious--why three in a row, like that?"

Paddy explains--"That's a beer for me, and a beer for each o' me two
brothers still livin' in the auld country!" and walks out.

Next day, same thing: "Gimme three beers, please!" Bartender sets
'em up, watches Paddy pop 'em down, one, two, three. "Aye, and
that's one for me and one for each o' me two brothers!"

Several weeks go by, day in and day out, with the same routine. But
one day Paddy comes in and orders only two beers. Bartender, good
soul that he is, becomes very concerned, "Paddy, tell me. You only
asked for two beers today. Did something happen to one of your
brothers in the Auld Country?"

"No, they're fine and healthy," sez Paddy.

"Well, why did you ask for only two beers?"

"Aaarrgghh. I saw me doctor yesterday, and he told me I had to stop
havin' me drink every day. So from now on, I can only drink me
brothers' beers."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and
a farmer with a bodily injury claim:

Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable
you had never felt better in your life?"

Farmer: "That's right."

Attorney: "Well then, how is it that you are now claiming you were
seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"

Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who
had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he proceeded to go over to
Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked
me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise
choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?

Defendant: No, I certainly did not!

Prosecutor: Are you aware of the penalties for perjury?

Defendant: Yes, I am. And they're a heck of a lot better than the
penalty for murder.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Signs as Seen in Foreign Countries ...

In a Paris hotel elevator:
 Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
 The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
 chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
 You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
 Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
 Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy
 dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef
 rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
 Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaners:
 Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
 Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
 Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute
 customers in strict rotation.

From the Soviet Weekly:
 There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet
 Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the
 past two years.

In a Rome laundry:
 Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a
 good time.

In a Czechoslovakin tourist agency:
 Take one of our horse-driven city tours--we guarantee no
 miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
 Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Bangkok temple:
 It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as
 a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
 Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
 We take your bags and send them in all directions.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
 Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:
 Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food,
 give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
 Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:
 The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

Two signs from a Mojorcan shop entrance:
 - English well speaking
 - Here speeching American.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Mother Superior

The youngest novice at the convent, Sister Mary, has decided that a
nun's life is not for her and that she has missed out on too much
sex already. She goes to see the Mother Superior.

MS "Well, Sister Mary, what seems to be the problem?"

Mary "Mother, I have begun to doubt. I must leave to see more of
the world."

MS "And what will you do in the world?"

Mary "I have decided to become a prostitute."

The Mother Superior hears this, screams and faints.

Other nuns rush in and there is much fussing and fanning.

Eventually, the Mother Superior comes round and looks up at the
crowd of nuns around her. She calls out weakly for Sister Mary

Mary "What is it?"

MS "Child, please say again what you just said to me."

Mary is embarrassed to have to say it in front of all her Sister
nuns but bravely continues.

Mary "I have decided to leave the Order and become a prostitute."

MS "Oh, thank the Lord! I thought you said PROTESTANT!"

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