Collage 122               H u m o u r N e t               22 AUG 95

You know you're having a bad day when ...

This is a true account: Cindy had her purse stolen while shopping
at a mall somewhere in New York State. Panicked, she called her
husband, Tom--at work--to tell him of the incident. While on the
phone (with his wife) at his electronics store, one of the sales
clerks told him that two men were trying to purchase stereo
equipment WITH HIS WIFE'S CREDIT CARD!

Are you following this? So, Tom told his wife not to worry, told
the clerk to delay them as much as possible, and called the police.
The criminals were subsequently arrested and charged.

Yet another entry for the Stupid Criminal Hall of Shame (see
Collage 80). Of course, this one isn't so much "stupidity" as,
perhaps, "poor planning," but I don't have enough room in the Hall
for another prize category, so they'll have to settle for a Hall of
Shame award. Speaking of planning errors, the first piece of this
Collage, "Poor Planning," is brought to us by Dave G. And, staying
with the "planning" motif, the second piece, "The Gorilla," is
brought to us by Ray S.

"Thanks!" to Dave and Ray for these contributions ... and enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Poor Planning ...

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information
in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning"
as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and
I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was
working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I
completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when
weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the
bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a
pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth
floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the
barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and
untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the
240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form
that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I
lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless
to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains
the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as
listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping
until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the
pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was
able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain
I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit
the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the
weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I
refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid
descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third
floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two
fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and
lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the
barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell
into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were
cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks,
in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories
above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go
of the rope. And I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its
journey back to me ...

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Gorilla

A gorilla escapes from a local zoo and decides to hide out in
a nearby town until the heat blows over.

After hearing the warning on the radio about the escaped gorilla,
one of the town's residents looks outside to see--you guessed it--
the gorilla high up in one his trees.

(Editor's Note: For our N.Y.C. subscribers, "trees" are the things
that the Indians took with them when they sold Manhattan (it ain't
an island, BTW) for $24. They couldn't get *all* of them, though;
see "Central Park." </vs>)

So, back to the gorilla in the tree. Our hero decides that the zoo
will surely offer him a reward for returning the gorilla, so he
devises a plan to get the gorilla out of the tree and to--uh--
*restrain* him once he's on the ground ... he calls his friend Mike,
and asks Mike to bring his shotgun, a broom, and his infamous dog--
the same dog that likes to bite everyone in the groin. Mike agrees,
and arrives minutes later at our hero's residence.

Our Hero: Okay, here's the plan ... You take the shotgun and wait on
the ground with the dog. I'll climb up the tree, and when I get to
the gorilla, I'll use the broom to knock him outta the tree. When he
hits the ground, the dog will bite him on the balls so he won't be able
to run away. Got it?

Mike: Yeah. Just one thing ....

O.H.: What's that?

Mike: What's the gun for?

O.H.: Oh, in case the gorilla knocks *me* outta the tree ...

Mike: Yeah ... ?

O.H.: Shoot the dog.

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