Collage 123               H u m o u r N e t               23 AUG 95

Recently, several top models and actresses were asked what they
found to be sexy. Several suggested flowers, Cindy Crawford offered
caviar and champagne, and Drew Barrymore (sp?) said, uh ...

"Macaroni & cheese ... and Jello."

Either Drew has some awesome laundry to do after sex, or she's the
ultimate cheap date.

Or both. :-)

Okay, on to the good stuff: Collage 123 is presented here with
thanks to that leading lady of laughter, Lorraine--everything, that
is, right up to "The Novices' Guide to Using The Men's Room." And,
closing out Collage 123's bathroom-humor subplot, we have "The Field
Guide to Recognizing Poopie"--a must-read, with many thanks to Liz
(who wasn't just brave enough to mail it, but was brave enough to
actually TAKE CREDIT for it :-).

Happy [bathroom] reading!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

"Twenty [Five] Something Betters"
From the movie "Roxanne," starring Steve Martin.
Edited from tape by Brett & Lorre Anne Carver.

1. Obvious: Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on
your face?

2. Meteorological: Everybody take cover. She's going to blow.

3. Fashionable: You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you
wore something larger. Like ... Wyoming.

4. Personal: Well, here we are. Just the three of us.

5. Punctual: Alright gentleman. Your nose was on time but you
were fifteen minutes late.

6. Envious: Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell
your own ear.

7. Naughty: Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you
wouldn't mind putting that thing away.

8. Philosophical: You know. It's not the *size* of a nose that's
important. It's what's in it that matters.

9. Humorous: Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and its
good bye Seattle.

10. Commercial: Hi, I'm Earl Scheib and I can paint that nose for
$39.95.

11. Polite: Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The
orchestra keeps changing tempo.

12. Melodic: Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose."

13. Sympathetic: Oh, What happened? Did your parents lose a bet
with God?

14. Complimentary: You must love the little birdies to give them
this to perch on.

15. Scientific: Say, does that thing there influence the tides?

16. Obscure: Oh, I'd hate to see the grindstone.

17. Inquiry: When you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid?

18. French: Say, the pigs have refused to find any more truffles
until you leave.

19. Pornographic: Finally, a man who can satisfy two women at
once.

20. Religious: The Lord giveth and He just kept on giving, didn't
He.

21. Disgusting: Say, who mows your nose hair.

22. Paranoid: Keep that guy away from my cocaine!

23. Aromatic: It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and
smell the coffee ... in Brazil.

24. Appreciative: Oooo, how original. Most people just have their
teeth capped.

25. Dirty: Your name wouldn't be Dick, would it?

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Rules for Teachers, circa 1915
From The Old Sacramento Schoolhouse Museum

1. You will not marry during the term of your contract.

2. You are not to keep company with men.

3. You must be home between the hours of 8 p.m. and 6 a.m. unless
attending a school function.

4. You may not loiter downtown in ice cream stores.

5. You may not travel beyond city limits unless you have the
permission of the chairman of the board.

6. You may not ride in a carriage or automobile with any man unless
he is your father or brother.

7. You may not smoke cigarettes.

8. You may not dress in bright colors.

9. You may under no circumstances dye your hair.

10. You must wear at least two petticoats.

11. Your dresses must not be any shorter than two inches
above the ankle.

12. To keep the school room neat and clean, you must:
Sweep the floor at least once daily.
Scrub the floor at least once a week with hot, soapy water.
Clean the blackboards at least once a day.
Start the fire at 7 a.m. so the room will be warm by 8 a.m.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Things To Keep In Mind

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a
rock.

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

It's not hard to meet expenses--they're everywhere.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Do witches run spell checkers?

Dame bramaged.

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Anagram for "Information Superhighway": New utopia? Horrifying sham.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Medical Terminology for Non-Doctors

Anally--occurring yearly
Artery--study of paintings
Bacteria--back door of cafeteria
Barium--what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel--letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarian section--district in Rome
Cat scan--searching for kitty
Cauterize--Made eye contact with her
Colic--sheep dog
Coma--a punctuation mark
Congenital--friendly
D&C--where Washington is
Diarrhea--journal of daily events
Dilate--to live long
Enema--not a friend
Fester--quicker
Fibula--a small lie
Genital--non-Jewish
G.I. Series--soldiers' ball game
Grippe--suitcase
Hangnail--coathook
Impotent--distinguished, well known
Intense pain--torture in a teepee
Labour pain--got hurt at work
Medical staff--doctor's cane
Morbid--higher offer
Nitrate--cheaper than day rate
Node--was aware of
Outpatient--person who had fainted
Pap smear--fatherhood test
Pelvis--cousin of Elvis
Post operative--letter carrier
Protein--favoring young people
Rectum--damn near killed 'em
Recovery room--place to do upholstery
Rheumatic--amorous
Scar--rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion--hiding anything
Seizure--Roman emperor
Serology--study of knighthood
Tablet--small tablet
Terminal illness--sickness at airport
Tibia--country in North Africa
Tumor--an extra pair
Urine--opposite of you're out
Varicose--located nearby
Vein--conceited

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Novices' Guide to Using The Men's Room

<Introduction Deleted....>

Hey, we forgot the most obvious rule, the sacred rule, of using the
men's restroom, to wit:

"Never, under any circumstances, attempt to use a urinal that is in
any way adjacent to one already in use."

This is important. If there are three urinals lined up, men will
invariably take the ones at the corners. Which creates a funny
situation when a third man, nearly drowning in his own urine, opens
the door to the restroom and finds only the center urinal free. He
will do one of two things. He will use one of the stalls, or, if
all of those are in use as well, he will pee in his pants.

In really rough-and-tumble environments, like, for instance, the
international headquarters of "Hell's Demonic Macho Studs Who Roar
Around On Large Motorized Bicycles," this "adjacency" rule should be
expanded somewhat. In such environments, it is recommended that one
use the urinal that is located as far away as possible from any
urinals that are already in use. In point of fact, it might be
better to avoid restrooms in such places in the first place.

Of course, if you do that, you will get the "HEY! What are you,
afraid to come and pee next to a REAL MAN?"

Men. We can't win for losing.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Field Guide to Recognizing Poopie

Bathroom Humor at its finest:

Ghost Poopie
  The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no
  poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie
  The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but
  there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie
  The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels
  unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt
  and underwear so you won't ruin them with a stain.

Second Wave Poopie
  This happens when you're done Poopie-ing and you've pulled up
  your pants to your knees, and you realize that you have to
  Poopie some more.

Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie
  The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you
  practically have a stroke.

Gassy Poopie
  It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is laughing.

Drinker Poopie
  The kind of Poopie you have the morning after a long night of
  drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the
  bottom of the toilet.

Lincoln Log Poopie
  The kind of Poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush
  without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet
  brush.

Corn Poopie
  Self-explanatory.

Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie Poopie
  The kind where you want to Poopie but all you do is sit on the
  toilet and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie
  That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you would swear it
  was leaving you sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump)
  The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt gets
  splashed with water.

Liquid Poopie
  The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out your butt and
  splashes all over the toilet bowl.

Mexican Poopie
  It smells so bad your nose burns.

The Surprise Poopie
  You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you're about
  to fart, but oops.......a Poopie!!!

The Dangling Poopie
  This Poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you
  know you are done Poopie-ing it. You just pray that a shake or
  two will cut it loose.

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