Collage 124               H u m o u r N e t               24 AUG 95

Well, it's the big day! Hearty applause, congratulations all around,
champagne corks popping like fireworks on the Fourth of July: it's
the official release date for Windows 95 (a.k.a. "Windoze 95").
Finally, PC users have overcome the eight-character limit on file
names, they'll be able to drop files anywhere on the desktop or
within the directory tree, and they'll have a real trash can that
they can put files into and take files out of!!!

Rah.

Macintosh users have been doing that since 1984.

Well, by now we all know that the Win95 ad campaign will feature
the song "Start Me Up," by the Rolling Stones--at the modest price
of $12M. Rumor has it that Mick Jagger quoted the $12M price just
to make the MS guys go away--and wasn't quite prepared for the
"Do you want that in cash or check?" response.

(If Mick were *really* slick, he woulda said, "TWELVE million? Did I
say TWELVE million? No, I meant ONE HUNDRED TWELVE million ... ")

Anyway, the first piece in this Collage is a collection of alternate
Win95 ad-campaign song titles, brought to us by Shawn. (Shawn pointed
out, along with several others, that the lyrics to "Start Me Up"
contain the line "... you make a grown man cry." Probably
appropriate.)

The last piece is "If Operating Systems Were Airlines," a repeat
from Collage 4 (yes, *4*), with many thanks to that die-hard PC
user/abuser (and Windoze 95 beta tester, so blame him :-), JD. This
version of the piece, however, has been updated to include--you
guessed it--Air Windows/95.

For those of you using non-PC platforms: Enjoy!

(For those of you using PCs: today is Tuesday, November 14th.
Congratulations on finally getting your PC booted--now you know why
Billy G. picked "Start Me Up" as the official Win95 song. The
enclosed material is a little old by now, but you'll probably enjoy
it that much more ... or less.)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Windoze 95 Ad-Campaign Song Picks
(By Trevor Inkpen)

Microsoft's pick for Rolling Stones song to launch Windows 95:
"Start Me Up"

Bill Gates's message to the world: "Under My Thumb"
Bill's album pick: "Made in the Shade"

Song picks for the rest of us:

 For those with only 8 Mb RAM: "(I can't get no) Satisfaction"

 For those with 486's: "Time Is On My Side"

 For those with existing non-Plug'n'Play hardware: "19th Nervous
 Breakdown"

 For Win95 support staff: "Sympathy for the Devil"

 After 2 months on the support line: "Emotional Rescue"

 For those who would rather use NeXTStep: "Paint it Black"

 For everybody who buys Win95: "You Can't Always Get What You Want"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

And, from Shawn's sig:

To paraphrase Arthur C. Clarke, "The total amount of intelligence
on the Internet is a constant. Unfortunately, the population keeps
increasing."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

IF OPERATING SYSTEMS WERE AIRLINES ...

DOS Air: All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of
the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, and jump off
when it hits the ground. Then they grab the plane again, push it back
into the air, hop on, et cetera.

Mac Airways: The cashiers, flight attendants and pilots all look
the same, feel the same and act the same. When asked questions
about the flight, they reply that you don't want to know, don't
need to know and would you please return to your seat and watch the
movie.

Windows Airlines: The terminal is very neat and clean, the
attendants all very attractive, the pilots very capable. The
fleet of Learjets the carrier operates is immense. Your jet
takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at
20,000 feet it explodes without warning.

OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty, with only a few
prospective passengers milling about. The announcer says that their
flight has just departed, wishes them a good flight, though there
are no planes on the runway. Airline personnel walk around,
apologizing profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from
time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the
field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be
on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows
Airlines, but that they will have to wait a little longer for
the technicians to finish the flight systems. Maybe until
mid-1995. Maybe longer.

Fly Windows NT: All the passengers carry their seats out onto the
tarmac, placing the chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit
down, flap their arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are
flying.

Unix Express: all passenger bring a piece of the airplane and a
box of tools with them to the airport. They gather on the tarmac,
arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build
and how to put it together. Eventually, the passengers split into
groups and build several different aircraft, but give them all
the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations.
All passengers believe they got there.

Wings of OS/400: The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably
the best and safest planes that ever flew, and painted "747" on
their tails to make them look as if they are fast. The flight
attendants, of course, attend to your every need, though the
drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour, unless
you have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and
membership in the frequent flyer club. Then they cost $500, but
your accounting department can call it overhead.

MVS Air Lines: The passengers all gather in the hangar, watching
hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on this immense,
luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over
1,000 passengers; bigger models in the fleet can have more
engines than anyone can count and fly even more passengers than
there are on Earth. It is claimed to cost less per passenger
mile to operate these humungous planes than any other aircraft
ever built, unless you personally have to pay for the ticket.
All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the 200 technicians
needed to keep it from crashing. The pilot takes his place up in
the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to realize that the
plane is too big to get through the hangar doors.

AND FINALLY ...

Air Windows/95: You've heard about it and there are a few people who
have actually flown on it, and they rave about it, but you hate them
and secretly wish you could try it too. The company has been promising
flights for a year but has yet to start selling tickets.

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