Collage 125               H u m o u r N e t               25 AUG 95

Well, as we all know by now, Shannon Faulkner left the Citadel at
the end of her first week there, having failed to complete so much
as a single _day_ of scheduled activities at the military institution.
(Note that the infirmary does not count as a "scheduled activity.")
According to Shannon's dad, she was unable to participate in the
physically-demanding program because "she was tired out after two
years of litigation" against the school.

According to an unreliable and unsubstantiated rumor, Mr. Faulkner
has recently been hired by Microsoft to help think of excuses for
problems with their Windows 95 operating system.

Which, of course, brings us to Collage 125. The first two pieces,
including the "Windows 95" comment, are provided with many thanks
Dusty in Ireland. And the rest of Collage is credited to Lorraine,
last seen somewhere in Texas.

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

In Ireland, County Cavan people are (apparently) notoriously mean.
Here's a joke about one of them:

A Cavan wife goes to the local newspaper and places the following
ad. "O'Brien Dead. Removal 5:30 Thursday to St.Mary's Church,
Funeral 11:00 Friday. Dearly loved by wife and two sons." The
teller informs her that the ad will cost L200.00. "Whaaaat?" she
says. The teller informs her that it costs L5 per word. So the
woman gets a new sheet, writes "O'Brien Dead," and hands it back
with a L10 note. This time the teller informs her that the ad
will cost L25. "Whaaaat?" she says. The teller says that there's
a L25 minimum charge. So the widow takes another sheet and writes
"O'Brien Dead. Toyota for sale"!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Seen somewhere on the 'Net:
 "Windows '95. It's like upgrading from Reagan to Bush."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

POLICE BLOTTER
Recent Police Activity

Kent Police

South 257th Street -- A woman told police that a former female
friend, age 74, has been harassing her for 30 years. Included are
strange calls to her home, magazines ordered in her name, damaged
property and verbal threats like, "For $5, I can have you killed."
The woman told police the harassment started when the two women's
husbands stopped hunting together, cutting down on the time the
friend had for extra- marital affairs. (Aug 15)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Q. What does an accountant do when constipated?
A. Works it out with a pencil.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

A cowboy is riding across the plains of the old west, when he is
captured by Indians. The tribe puts him on trial for crimes against
the Indian Nation, and he is found guilty.

"You have been sentenced to death," said the Chief, "but, as is our
custom, you have three wishes to make as your last requests."

The cowboy thought for a minute and said, "Well, for my first wish,
I'll need my horse."

"Give him his horse," said the Chief.

The cowboy whispered something into the horse's ear, and the horse
took off like a shot across the prairie.

Twenty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful blonde
woman on its back. The cowboy looked at this, shrugged his
shoulders, and helped the young lady off the horse. He then took
her into the woods and had his way with her.

"Second wish," said the Chief.

"I'll need my horse again," said the cowboy.

"Give him his horse," said the Chief.

Once again, the cowboy whispered into the horse's ear, and once
again the horse rode off over the prairie.

Thirty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful red-head
on it's back. The cowboy looked up and shrugged, helped the young
lady off the horse, and went into the woods, same reason as before.

"This is your last wish," said the Chief," make it a good one."

"I'll need my horse again."

"Give him his horse," said the Chief.

The cowboy grabbed each side of the horse's head, put his face right
up to the horse's face and exclaimed:

"I said POSSE!!!!!!!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Letter From a Wife to Her PC-Using Husband

To my darling Husband,

I am sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so
that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but
I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your
IBM computer entered our lives two years ago.

The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright,
handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He
drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were
good but yours was excellent! The chair and the back of your head
are very realistic. You would be very proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you
did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She
still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with her on her
birthday. What a grand day for Jen, despite the fact that it was
stormy and the electricity was out.

I am also doing well. I went blonde about a year ago and was
delighted to discover that it really is more fun! Lars, I mean Mr.
Swenson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and
has become a good friend to us all.

I have discovered that the household chores are much easier since I
realized that you don't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting
made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room
painted last Spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I made sure
the painters cut air holes in the drop cloth so you wouldn't be
disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle Lars, Mr. Swenson, I mean,
is taking us all on a ski trip and there will be packing to do. I
have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away.
She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup, and bring meals
to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the IBM have
a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jen and I will think of you
often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.

Love, Mary
(Your Wife)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

When a man pulled two guns on convenience store clerk Wazir Jiwi and
demanded money, Jiwi asked how much he wanted for one of the guns.
He said $100, which Jiwi paid him. Then Jiwi offered to buy the
second gun. The robber handed it over, grabbed the cash and headed
for the exit. But Jiwi had pushed a button under the counter that
automatically locked the door. "He turned to me and asked what was
going on?" Jiwi says. "I told him to bring the money back and I
would let him go. He brought the money back, and I opened the
door."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

A farmer wants to get his two female pigs pregnant, but he can't
afford the stud service, so he goes to the Vet.

Farmer: "Hey doc, I've got these two pigs I want to breed, but I
can't afford to stud 'em. Is there anything cheaper?"

Vet: "Well, there's artificial insemination," and he goes on to
describe some fairly expensive procedures, all of which are out of
the farmer's price range.

Farmer: "No, none of that stuff will do. It's too expensive.
Anything else?"

Vet: "Well, not many people know this, but human DNA is close
enough to pig DNA to produce offspring. Here's what you do--take
your pigs out at night, load them in your pickup truck, take them
out to the fields and f**k them. No one will know what you're up
to, and you'll get them pregnant."

Farmer: "How will I know they're pregnant?"

Vet: "If they're pregnant, they'll be lying in the shade the next
day."

So, the farmer follows the advice, and that night he struggles to
put the pigs in the truck, drives out, f**ks them, and drives back
later that night. The next day, the pigs are just standing around.
So, the next night he does it all over again, only he f**ks each one
twice and drives back even more tired. Next day--nothing--they're
just walking around. So, he goes out again, f**ks them three times
each and comes back more worn out than ever. This goes on for the
rest of the week, and by Saturday the farmer is too tired to get out
of bed, so he asks his wife to get up and look outside at the pigs.

Farmer: "What are the pigs doing, dear?"

Wife: "I don't know; one of them is jumping up and down in the
back of the truck and the other is blowing the horn."

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</collage125>