Collage 127               H u m o u r N e t               29 AUG 95

According to recent news, Disney is preparing to purchase Radio City
Music Hall--home of the "Rockettes"--in New York City.

Call me crazy, but Rockettes in full-length gowns, singing "It's a
Small World" makes for a very disturbing picture.

Of course, the upgrades you'll need to run Windoze 95 are probably
even *more* disturbing .... Speaking of which, I present a *second*
Windoze '95 Collage! The first two pieces in this one are provided
with thanks to Allan (one of the original Fab Five HumourNetters),
and the rest of the Collage is provided by Lorraine. (BTW, Lorraine
also gets kudos for the entire Collage 126--the "Jean-Paul Sartre
Cookbook" and "Lunch a` la HP." Thanks!)

Thanks, also, to those of you who've been sending material! I have
quite a backlog, but I'll get to it. Also, note that I do not routinely
acknowledge contributions (sorry).

Happy bytes ... !

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

Microsoft Windows 95 Stuns World
by Rob Freundlich

Redmond, Wash (AP) - Fans and detractors of the long-awaited
Microsoft Windows 95 have been stunned and amazed by the incredible
events surrounding the August 24 release. Windows 95 has been
hailed by industry giant Pierson Holcombe Pewter as "the most
advanced operating system ever produced." But even he could not
have predicted yesterday's events.

It began when peace was declared in Bosnia. Said Ahmad G'Hui
spokesman for the Serbs, "Now that [Windows 95] has been released,
we just don't see any reason to fight each other. This is an
amazing product."

Then France announced its intention to stop all testing of nuclear
weapons. "We used to think that our national boundaries were of
utmost import. To safeguard them, it was necessary to continue
testing [nuclear weapons]," said Jacques Fenetre of the French
government. "The Microsoft Network (tm) has changed all of that.
It's such a small planet!"

On the other side of the "small planet," ex-President George Bush
and Saddam Hussein met face-to-face for the first time. After a
tense greeting, they started sharing notes about their experiences
as Windows 95 beta-testers. Soon the two lifelong enemies were
laughing and chatting like old friends. In a startling display of
candor, Hussein said "If I hadn't been so frustrated with the
beta, I'd have backed off from Kuwait much sooner." Bush laughed and
commiserated with Hussein, saying "Well, Saddam, I *told* you it'd
be released eventually, all you had to do was wait. Hey! Let's
play some FreeCell!"

Oil prices dropped as OPEC transferred their accounting software to
the new platform. Loggers in the United States' Pacific Northwest
turned their axes in for spades after seeing a Microsoft Video of
spotted owls using Windows 95. In an economic shocker, the Peso
reversed its downward spiral due to huge Windows 95 sales in
Acapulco and Mexico City.

On the health front, Hildegard Wicca, a housewife in Boston, MA,
reports that Windows 95 has removed her facial warts. "I sat down
in front of the computer, pressed 'Start,' and felt something odd on
my face. When I looked in a mirror, my warts were gone!" Even more
amazing is the story of Mark Cense, the Los Alamos man who was
reported last week as having an incurable, fatal form of cancer.
His doctors were amazed yesterday when, after simply buying Windows
95 at the local Computer Universe store, his cancer went into
remission.

When asked for a comment on these almost miraculous events,
Microsoft's Bill Gates, recently declared to be the richest man in
the United States, replied, "If you think *this* is good, just wait
until you see Windows 97!"

Reports that China's release of dissident Harry Wu was contingent on
his returning with "as many copies of Windows 95 as he can carry"
are unconfirmed at this time.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Bill Gates Dies (Again!)

Bill Gates dies and heads up to the pearly gates. St. Peter meets
him there and says, "Well, you've led an... interesting life, Bill.
To be perfectly honest, we're not quite sure which place to send
you. So we're going to let you decide."

Gates swallows nervously and says, "Okay."

St. Peter snaps his fingers and they are instantly transported to a
sunny beach. There's beer and rock music and topless women playing
volleyball. Gates says,"Hey, is this heaven? It's GREAT!"

St. Peter says, "No, this is Hell. Let me show you what Heaven is
like."

He snaps his fingers again and they are instantly transported to a
serene city park. There's a soft breeze and birds are chirping and
old people are sitting on benches feeding pigeons and playing chess.

Gates says, "Well, this is ... nice. But, given a choice, I guess
I'll take Hell."

St. Peter says, "You got it," and snaps his fingers.

Gates is instantly embedded in molten lava where his skin is flayed
off in unspeakable agony. All around him he can hear demonic
laughter and the screams of the damned. He looks up and shouts,
"Hey, it wasn't like this! Where's the beach? Where's the babes?"

St. Peter looks down from his Macintosh and says, "Sorry, Bill.
That was the demo."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

"Windows 95 takes up so much memory and so many system resources
that it should be called HOGG'IN DOS"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Micosoft/McDonalds Connection

Stop by McDonalds and get your kids a "Windows 95 Happy Meal" ...
With each meal purchased your kids will receive:

1) The Bill Gates Action Figure (with flashing dollar sign eyes)

2) One disk of the Windows 95 software (collect all 30!)

3) Bonus "bucks-off" coupons (for the additional memory and disks
you'll need)

4) Plus, for an additional $.99, your own 30-second clip of the
Rolling Stones' "Start Me Up." (They have to get that 12 Mil back
somehow)

5) Plus the 1-800-ASK-BILL help line for the install ... (additional
tips provided on the box)

Hurry! For a limited time only ...

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Top 10 Rolling Stones songs that would be more appropriate than
"Start Me Up" for the Windows '95 commercial:

10. Just My Imagination
 9. I'm Going Down
 8. Let It Bleed
 7. Gimme Shelter
 6. Bitch
 5. Shattered
 4. Play With Fire
 3. (I can't get no) Satisfaction
 2. You Can't Always Get What you Want

   ... and number one ...

 1. 19th Nervous Breakdown

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