Collage 128               H u m o u r N e t                1 SEP 95

Sorry for the interruption in Collages this week, but I've spent the
past week trying to recover from the flu. :-(

And watching CNN. A *lot* of CNN. So the Collage openers will
probably have a decidedly political bent for a while ...

About a year ago, there was a news report about Randall Terry, the
leader of the violent anti-abortion group "Operation Rescue." Seems
that ol' Randall is a deadbeat dad! According to his ex-wife, he
was several months behind in his child-support payments. (I don't
recall how many children she'd had by him, but I think it was
three.) When asked about the situation, Terry purportedly responded
that he could no longer afford to make the payments since his
current wife was (at the time) pregnant with their FIFTH child.

I'll bet 'ole Randall didn't do so well on the pattern-recognition
part of his IQ test ...

Speaking of tests (and failing them), Collage 128 opens with the
football-player version of a college entrance exam, with many thanks
to Liz. Also c/o Liz, we have the ever-popular "50 Fun Things To Do
In An Elevator." Finally--and surely to be found just as offensive
(by some) as this Collage's opener--we have "30 Ways to be Offensive
at a Funeral," with thanks to Dave (from SpaceNet).

Once again: Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

COLLEGE ENTRANCE EXAM: FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION
Time Limit: 3 WKS

Name: _____________________________

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with
particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social
conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
___ (a) build a bridge
___ (b) sail the ocean
___ (c) lead an army or
___ (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope?
___ (a) Jewish
___ (b) Catholic
___ (c) Hindu
___ (d) Polish
___ (e) Agnostic
(check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners

9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
Bush: ____________________________________________
Carter: __________________________________________
Clinton:__________________________________________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being
George the Sixth. Name the previous five:

11. Where does rain come from?
___ (a) Macy's
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
___ (a) yes
___ (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell
your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
___ (a) New York
___ (b) Florida
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you
have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when
(approximately)?
___ (a) B.C.
___ (b) A.D.

* You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

50 FUN THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR
by Alan Meiss

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to
other passengers.

3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering:
"Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World"
incessantly.

5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of
the elevator.

7. Shave.

8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside
ask: "Got enough air in there?"

9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours
upside-down.

10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
without getting off.

11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors
open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol
coming!"

13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake
and ask them to call you Admiral.

14. One word: Flatulence!

15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it
stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go
"plink" at the bottom.

16. Do Tai Chi exercises.

17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then
announce: "I've got new socks on!"

18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh,
not now, damn motion sickness!"

19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.

20. Meow occassionally.

21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"

23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing
buttons.

25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're
one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"

29. Leave a box between the doors.

30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for
them.

31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers
"through" it.

32. Start a sing-along.

33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your
beeper?"

34. Play the harmonica.

35. Shadow box.

36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

37. Lean against the button panel.

38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to
the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

41. Bring a chair along.

42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna
see wha in muh mouf?"

43. Blow spit bubbles.

44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host
body."

46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."

50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

30 WAYS TO BE OFFENSIVE AT A FUNERAL
by Jonathan Monetti

1. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make
love with you.

2. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you
find your contact lens.

3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.

4. Tell the widow that you're the deceasd's gay lover.

5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the
deceased.

6. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.

7. Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're
not in it.

8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.

9. Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.

10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can
sneak him into the coffin.

11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.

12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.

13. Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.

14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will
can be read before the funeral is over.

15. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone
poor who can't afford firewood.

16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.

17. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.

18. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.

19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased' gambling debts.

20. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing
on.

21. Put crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's
last kiss.

22. Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.

23. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her
nose.

24. When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the
deceased's mouth.

25. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream
"MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.

26. At the cemetary take bets on how long it takes a body to
decompose.

27. Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.

28. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of
buried.

29. Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the
coffin for back-taxes.

30. Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a
straight face while praising the deceased.

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