Collage 129               H u m o u r N e t                5 SEP 95

America has developed into a nation of whiners.

It's true. Somehow, somewhere along the way, we evolved (devolved?)
from an every-man-for-himself, let-the-buyer-beware, survival-of-
the-fittest, just-DO-it attitude to one that virtually promulgates
a sentiment of my-situation-is-someone-else's-fault.

We now award money to those people who--only years earlier--probably
wouldn't have survived to voting age. We reward whiners. Just look:
you can now get money for being incompetent enough to drive a golf
ball into nearby railroad tracks and watching the rebounding ball
growing large in your vision until it impacts your forehead; and you
can get even *more* money for being stupid enough to put hot coffee
in your crotch while driving. (Have we gotten to the point where you
must take an I.Q. test to buy coffee?)

We have created an "It's Someone ELSE'S Fault" mentality--and it's
pretty pervasive. In fact, in some areas, it's even being mistaken
for humor. For example, the following [truncated] list of some
twenty items, entitled "IF MEN GOT PREGNANT," recently came across
my electronic desktop:

IF MEN GOT PREGNANT:
      * There would be a cure for stretch marks.
      * Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
      * Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
      * Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
	::snip::

Oh, stop *** W H I N I N G *** ! I'm sorry you were born female. I
know, "It's not [your] fault." I promise to feel terrible for having
landed on the other side of the gender fence. Please just stop the
W H I N I N G !

An interesting fact: According recent studies, men suffer a level of
hearing loss by age 30 that women do not suffer until 50 or 60--thus,
men's average rate of hearing loss is nearly *double* that of women.

I think that happens out of necessity. :-)

OTOH, Collage 129 features a girl (yes, I could have said "woman")
who has risen from the ranks of the oppressed and has taken matters
into her own hands. The revised version of "Little Red Riding Hood,"
as well as the rest of Collage 129, is provided with many thanks to
Lorraine (who also sent me the "If Men Got Pregnant ..." piece that
provided so much fodder for this opener).

Enjoy! And, if you like the "Little Red Riding Hood" piece, stay
tuned ... sometime soon (as soon as I, uh, find it) I'll be
featuring the politically-correct (now *there* are some professional
whiners!) version of the Little Red Riding Hood story. It's a real
winner ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

Little Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf ("Sister" Version)

One fine day, Little Red Riding Hood set out through the forest to
Grandma's house.  She had not traveled very far when a squirrel
popped out and alarmingly said, "Little Red Riding Hood!  You should
not be out ALONE--the Big Bad Wolf is gonna come along and scr*w
your brains out!"

"Not a problem!" said Little Red Riding Hood.  "You see, I got my
Colt 45 right here on my hip."

So she goes on a bit further and is stopped by a frantic bunny
rabbit, "Little Red Riding Hood!  You shouldn't be here--the Big Bad
Wolf is in the forest today.  If he finds you, he's gonna scr*w your
brains out!"

"Stop your fretting" says Little Red Riding Hood, "I got my Colt 45;
I'm not worried and you shouldn't be either!"

Off she goes with her little basket, humming a little tune when a
fox runs out of some tall grass.  "Little Red Riding Hood!" says he,
"I JUST saw the Big Bad Wolf!  You'd better get outta here--he's
gonna scr*w your brains out if he sees you!"

"Man!" says Little Red Riding Hood, "you folks are TOO paranoid!  I
got my Colt 45 fully loaded with brand new bullets.  I'm not afraid
of any Big Bad Wolf!"

And off she marched, a bit indignantly.  Suddenly, from behind a
tree, the Big Bad Wolf leapt out.  "Little Red Riding Hood, how
N I C E to see you!" said he, lasciviously, "Now I'm going to scr*w
your brains out!"

Little Red Riding Hood pulled out her Colt 45, cocked it and put it
up to the Big Bad Wolf's head and said, "Oh no you ain't!  You're
gonna do J U S T like the story says ... you're gonna EAT me!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ:  Advertisements That Didn't Convey the Intended Message....

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings,
555-1234.  Leave mess.

Lost:  small apricot poodle.  Reward.  Neutered.  Like one of the
family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant.  Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special--Turkey $2.35;  Chicken or Beef $2.25;  Children
$2.00.

For sale:  an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and
large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old.  Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair
to take home, too.

Wanted:  50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted:  Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery.  We do it carefully by
hand.

For Sale.  Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale--Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful
condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself?  Let me do it.

Dog for sale:  eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special:  have your home exterminated.

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere
Lachasis Cemetery.  It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la
Fontain, and Chopin.

Mt.  Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.
Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and
other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts:  Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster:  A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings.  Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that
lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save.  Limit:  one.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

For Rent:  6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest.  Will take anything.

Wanted:  chambermaid in rectory.  Love in, $200 a month.  References
required.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory.  Must be willing to travel.

Used Cars:  Why go elsewhere to be cheated?  Come here first!

Christmas tag sale.  Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Modular Sofas.  Only $299.  For rest or fore play.

Wanted:  Hair-cutter.  Excellent growth potential.

Wanted.  Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school.  Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care of your child.  Fenced yard, meals,
and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting.  They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service.  Free pick-up and delivery.  Try us once,
you'll never go anywhere again.

Holcross pullets.  Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.

Illiterate?  Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion.  Blue
Cross and salary.

Wanted.  Widower with school-age children requires person to assume
general housekeeping duties.  Must be capable of contributing to
growth of family.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
efficient beating.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for
$1.00.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

 Application for Permission to Live in Massachusetts

NAME:______________________________________________________________
(extra space left due to new social awareness)

ETHNIC INFORMATION:  (voluntary) Native American ( ) Hispanic
American ( ) Asian American ( ) African American ( )
Other Group With A Long History Of Oppression By White Males ( )
(specify, so we can help you form a political action group)

     ___________________________________________________

POLITICAL PARTY:  Democratic ( ) Socialist ( ) Other ( )

TYPE OF CARS OWNED (pick two):  SAAB ( ) Volvo ( ) BMW ( ) Mercedes
( ) Honda ( )

You don't own any *American* cars, do you?  NO ( )

CAR EQUIPMENT:  Blaupunkt ( ) Passport ( ) Escort ( ) Vuarnet
Sunglasses ( ) Stash ( ) CD ( ) Cellular Phone ( ) Ski Rack ( )
Bicycle Rack ( ) Wine Rack ( )

BUMPER STICKERS:  "You can't hug a child with nuclear arms" ( )
"Greenpeace" ( ) "Dukakis/Bentsen" ( ) "Save the Whales" ( )
"Farms not Arms" ( )

SEXUAL ORIENTATION:  Gay ( ) Lesbian ( ) Other ( ) (note:  failure
to give the proper answer to the above means you can't live in
certain towns on the Cape, or get elected to Congress)

FAVORITE CAUSE:  Whales ( ) Baby Seals ( ) Snail Darter ( )
Total given to these causes in the last 12 months:  _____________

FAVORITE DRUGS:  Crack ( ) Coke ( ) Grass ( ) Kitty's Diet Plan ( )

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SHOULD BE BANNED?:  (check all that apply)
The Bomb ( ) Handguns ( ) All guns ( ) Nuclear Power ( )
Cigarettes ( ) The NRA ( ) Republicans ( )

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SHOULD BE LEGALIZED?:  (check all that apply)
Crack ( ) Coke ( ) Grass ( ) Needles ( ) Flag Burning ( )

FAVORITE BEER:  Samuel Adams ( ) Beck's ( ) Corona(w/lime) ( )
Latest trendy brand ( )

FAVORITE POLITICIAN:  Ted Kennedy ( ) John Kennedy ( )
Bobby Kennedy ( ) Joe Kennedy ( )

CLUB MEMBERSHIPS:  ACLU ( ) Greenpeace ( ) SDS ( ) N.O.W.  ( )
A.F.S.C.M.E. ( ) Billy Bulger Breakfast Club ( )
Provincetown Boys Club ( ) Bull-dykes Kennel Club ( )

Even though we can't ever get any more power from Hydro-Quebec,
don't you think that Seabrook should remain closed forever?  YES ( )

Don't you think that the people in the Midwest should stop dropping
acid rain on our vacation homes in Vermont, even if it means that
they all lose their jobs?  YES ( )

How many watts (per channel, RMS) is your principal home stereo?
100W ( ) 200W ( ) More than that ( )

How many air conditioners do you have to help you through our long
New England summers?:  2 ( ) 3 ( ) 4 ( ) Central Air ( )
 (note:  Fewer than two A/C units may qualify you for state
 subsidies if you are a non-white unemployed Democrat)

FAVORITE TV SHOW:  Thirtysomething ( )

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

TITLE: Marriage

1. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring,
and suffering.
2. Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ...
3. Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
4. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
5. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble
starts when they try to decide which one.
6. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and
lightning.
7. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After
marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
8. Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only
marry someone that you cannot live without.
9. I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with
me.
10. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to
every word you say, talk in your sleep.
11. Love is blind. Marriage is an institution for the blind.

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