Collage 130               H u m o u r N e t                6 SEP 95

Taking the HumourNet "Tell It Like It Is" award is P.B.A.
(Policemen's Benevolence Association) President E.J. Kiernan:

    "Corruption is not the number-one priority of the
    Police Commissioner. His job is to enforce the law
    and fight crime."

Thanks for clearing that up for us, E.J. ... we were under the
impression that corruption *was* the number-one priority. Maybe it
just *seems* that way ...

While we're on the subject, the first piece in this Collage is
David Letterman's "Top Ten Surprises in the Mark Fuhrman Tapes."
(The Mark Fuhrman tapes from the O.J. Trial--as seen on CNN and the
Home Shopping Club).

OTOH, even the *police* don't have the entertainment quotient of
the O.J. defense team--seen here making yet *another* HumourNet
appearance, this time in the "Top Ten Screw-Ups In the O.J. Simpson
Defense."

And wedged between the antics of the L.A.P.D. and the antics of the
O.J.D.T. is Judge Ito, with ten *more* reasons he might step down
from the "Trial of the Century." (I think they're calling it that
only because it might last that long.) All three of these are
provided c/o Sue Trowbridge & the Letterman TOPTEN List.

Also in this Collage, Scott provides us with "More Newfie Humor"
(following the Newfie joke in Collage 111), and Sandor sends us
instructions for replacing an alternator on an Oldsmobile. (Now I
know why their slogan is "Demand Better." I did. I bought a Subaru.)
And finally, Liz sends us one that has made its way around the 'Net,
but not previously into a Collage: the venerable "Guide to Safe Fax."

Many thanks to all the contributors in this Collage!

Happy reading ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

TOP TEN SURPRISES IN THE MARK FUHRMAN TAPES

10. Refers to Norwegians as "herring-gorged tundra monkeys"

 9. Brags about planting overdue library books at O.J.'s house

 8. Admits to crying at that talking pig movie

 7. When you play tapes backwards, you hear theme song to
    "Friends"

 6. Judge Ito's nickname around courthouse locker room: "Sir
    Lance-A-Little"

 5. Performs beautiful medley of love duets with Marge Schott

 4. Accuses O.J. of killing Anna Nicole Smith's husband

 3. Claims he stopped Michael Jackson for speeding, but let him
    go when he saw it wasn't a black guy

 2. Once had a brief sexual encounter with his nightstick

 1. Can't spell O.J.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

TOP TEN SCREW UPS IN THE O.J. SIMPSON DEFENSE

10. Referring to O.J. as "the meal ticket" in front of the jury

 9. Lately, only asking witnesses how they liked "Waterworld"

 8. Demonstrating how difficult it was for O.J. to fit into
    several of Marcia Clark's outfits

 7. Letting F. Lee Bailey conduct cross-examination after happy
    hour

 6. Shouldn't have let O.J. publish book called "I Want To Kill
    You" [holds up fake book jacket]

 5. Unable to keep a straight face when they say their client
    is not guilty

 4. Asking Judge Ito, "Where were you on the night of the murders?"

 3. Keep mentioning that O.J. wouldn't mind sharing a cell with
    Hillary Clinton

 2. Should've gotten O.J. on the jury -- so he could be dismissed!

 1. Keep misspelling DNA

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

TOP TEN OTHER REASONS JUDGE ITO MIGHT STEP DOWN

10. Dead have asked him to replace Jerry Garcia

 9. Last week, found himself believing something Johnnie Cochran
    said

 8. Has summertime share in the Poconos with Judge Wapner

 7. Got one of them "eat-the-crust-first" pizza commercials

 6. Last night, broke into Mark Fuhrman's house and tried to O.J.
    the guy

 5. Tired of seeing his reflection in Chris Darden's head

 4. Going to be on a new Court-TV show about five real-life judges
    sharing a loft in London

 3. Murder weapon found in his beard

 2. Misses Rosa Lopez.  Loves Rosa Lopez.  Must be with Rosa Lopez.

 1. Bad case of bench rash

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More Newfie Humor

Speaking of Newfies, I was on a business trip to Canada in February,
meeting with a fellow from Toronto. At the time, the papers and TV
news were a-flurry with talk of a referendum for Quebec secession.
At dinner one evening I said to my Canadian colleague:

"If the secession takes place, Newfoundland would be isolated--cut
off from the rest of the country. I'll bet they're not happy about
the whole idea."

"Oh, the Newfies are all for Quebec leaving," he replied, "It would
cut their travel time to Toronto in half."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Replacing the Alternator in an Oldsmobile

For our mechanically-declined readers (yes, that means you, Brett),
the task of replacing an automobile's alternator should be
relatively simple. With a decent wrench, a crowbar, and some plastic
explosive (in case the bolts are stuck), it's about a 15-minute job
for an average-size grandmother. The procedure outlined below for the
Oldsmobile Achieva is so ludicrously involved that it's actually
amusing ...

The manual for the 91-94 Olds Achieva, 3.3 liter V-6, describes the
procedure for replacing the alternator as follows (Sandor swears he
is not making this up):

* Disconnect serpentine belt, negative battery cable, ... ( normal stuff)
* Remove both front tire and wheel assemblies.
* Remove right engine splash shield, ball joint nut and separate
  control arm.
* Remove metal drive axle shield, right drive axle at transaxle.
* Remove front exhaust pipe and converter assembly.
* Remove lower alternator bolt and alternator rear brace bolt. Access
  bolt through left wheel opening using a 4-1/2 foot extension. (!)
* Loosen alternator rear brace bolt a engine. Access nut through right
  wheel well underneath exhaust manifold.
* Remove alternator at mounting bracket.
* Disconnect alternator electrical connections at alternator.
* Remove alternator.

That's half the job ... now you just have to put it all back
together.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Q: What's the difference between Bill Gates and God?
A: God doesn't think he's Bill Gates.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

A GUIDE TO SAFE FAX

Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax quite often, there are many single
people who fax complete strangers every day.

Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were
only allowed to write memos to each other until they were
twenty-one. How old do you think someone should be before they
have fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct
procedures.

Q. If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?
A. Certainly not, as far as I can see.

Q. There is a place at a hotel nearby where you can go and pay to
fax. Is this legal?
A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and
must pay a 'professional' when their need to fax becomes too
great.

Q. Should you always use a cover when you fax?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover
should be used to insure safe fax.

Q. What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure and I fax
prematurely?
A. Don't panic. Many people prematurely fax when they haven't
faxed in a long time. Just start over. Most people won't mind if
you try again.

Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become
mixed up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a
cover with each one, you won't have to worry that you have faxed
the wrong person.

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