Collage 131               H u m o u r N e t                7 SEP 95

A California man filed a $5.4 million lawsuit for the "emotional
trauma" he suffered at a rock concert that was held at a municipal
stadium. Some women, who were unable to wait through the long lines
for the women's rooms, took the next best option and used the men's
room. The plaintiff claims that he was extremely upset at the sight
of a woman in front of him using a urinal.

Now, THERE is one guy who needs to get a life!

Liz, OTOH, has no such restroom-related hangups--you might recall
that it was Liz who shamelessly submitted the "Field Guide to
Recognizing Poopie" piece in Collage 123. Continuing on her
restroom-humor fixation, she (again shamelessly) contributes two
good pieces to Collage 131: "The Types of People You Might Meet in
the Men's Room" and "Urinal Protocol" (a follow-on to the "Novices'
Guide to Using The Men's Room" piece, also in Collage 123).

Hmmm ... Meeting people in the men's room ... Urinal protocol ...
Sounds like Liz might be the woman who inspired the California
lawsuit. :-) Either way, many thanks to her for the contributions.

Enjoy! And don't wet'em ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

         THE TYPES OF PEOPLE YOU MIGHT MEET IN THE MEN'S ROOM

EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts

SOCIABLE: Joins friends in pissing whether he has to or not

CROSS-EYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed

TIMID: Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes
back later

INDIFFERENT: If all urinals are being used, pisses in sink

CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and pisses on floor

WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection

FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit fly
or bug

ABSENT MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants

CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble

TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it

PATIENT: Stands very close for a long time waiting, lets it drip dry,
reads with other hand

EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, then does both

DRUNK: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants

DISGRUNTED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away

CONCEITED: Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat

DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth clenched, pisses in pants

SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man
at next urinal will get blamed

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Urinal Protocol

The Ideal Situation

If you are lucky, and rarely is this the case, then you may be on the
receiving end of what is only known as the "Ideal Situation." This
situation is, of course, the presence of one urinal. The protocol
here is simple: if it's empty, pee; if it's not, don't. Period. Of
course, a foray to the world of the public stall could be merited if
the urinal is busy, but it is always preferable to busy one's self
with washroom related activity while waiting for the urinal to free
up. Wash your hands, check your hair, check the floor for loose
change, do the moonwalk, etc.

An important note: It is NOT considered proper etiquette to inquire of
a peeing person if he is almost done. Nor is it seemly to attempt to
peek in the urinal for activity. If you suspect the patron is merely
standing around with his fly open, it is usually best just to keep
those suspicions to yourself.

Two-Urinal Tango

One urinal was easy. No tough decisions there. Two urinals, well, it's
a whole different world. With luck, they will both be empty. In this
case, choose the appropriate urinal based on proximity to walls and
other forms of shielding, and preferably as far away as possible from
large sources of microwaves and free radicals.

Chances are though, that with two urinals one of them will be
occupied. In this case under no circumstances should you proceed to
the urinal. I repeat: DO NOT PROCEED. To proceed is to pee in one
urinal adjoining another which is also occupied. This is the cardinal
sin of urinal etiquette. Never pee beside someone. Instead, it is best
to busy one's self with activites mentioned under the Ideal Situation,
with the possible exception of moonwalking, for which breakdancing
should be substituted.

A question which becomes increasingly pressing at this point is the
option of the stall. If the need is urgent (and it may well be), the
stall may be considered. However, it is of utmost importance to make
it appear as if the stall was the destination all along. This is why
planning is necessary. If there is potential urination in the near
future, one should always take these easy steps:

     * Scout out the bathroom: Urinal number and location
     * Map out a secondary stall acess route
     * Practice casual-seeming scouting of urinal area
     * Limber up for extensive periods of breakdancing

Planning is not all it takes, though. Once in the stall, standing is no
longer an option. To stand is to admit to all who peek for feet that
you never had any intention of using a stall, but rather that your
efforts at finding a suitable urinal were unfruitful. Sit and pee, and
if at all possible, stay for an amount of time equal to that which you
would normally take if the stall had been the appropriate initial
choice, once again to suggest that you are not simply peeing in a
stall. However, here we delve into the realm of stall protocol, which
is an entirely different field.

Three's Company

Well then, what about three urinals? Well, this starts to get tricky.
If you should come across three empty urinals, then the natural male
tendency to attempt to accumulate power and property might lead you to
try the middle urinal. Unfortunately, in some countries, to do so is
punishable in manners unspeakable. For to choose the middle urinal is
to deny any subsequent patron of the urinals the opportunity to pee in
isolation while you are still at your business. To choose the middle
of three urinals is to commit an act of pure, unadulterated
selfishness, and for it one should be ashamed. Instead, one should
immediately proceed the the end urinal which is farthest from the
door, or alternatively, the best smelling.

However, all three urinals are not always empty. If upon entering the
bathroom you discern that the middle urinal alone is occupied, ever,
you should immediately seek out the proper authorities to punish the
culprit. Hopefully though, one of the end urinals is occupied. This
allows one to proceed to the opposite urinal, and pee in relative
security.

Further complications arise if two of the urinals are occupied. If
they are the two end urinals, then one should proceed with delay
tactics which were described earlier, especially nose scratching and
armpit sniffing. Alternatively, a stall may be employed, being sure to
use the deceitful tactics also mentioned earlier. It is possible that
two adjacent urinals of the three be occupied. In this case, it is
best just to leave. Hold your urge, and retreat. To stay is to share
in the shame that must accompany any two individuals who are engaged
in such an unseemly situation. Furthermore, if you are ever engaged in
peeing at an end urinal, and someone enters the middle urinal with the
intention of peeing, it is most definitely appropriate to ask him to
leave. If he is unreceptive to your request, you might consider peeing
on his leg.

Should all three urinals be occupied, upon entry to the bathroom, not
only should you beat a hasty retreat, but you should also avert your
eyes lest the horrible sight of three adjacent occupied urinals be
forever ingrained in your mind.

********************************************************************
 Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************

"HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail
list server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more information
on Lyris, see <http://www.lyris.com/>.

To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following
command to <lyris@lyris.net>:

subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country

where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems,
then either (1) send any message to <HumourNet-info@lyris.net> for
a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web
interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>, or (3) send a *detailed*
description of the problem to <Listmom@telephonet.com>.

To unsubscribe, visit our Web interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>
or refer to your Welcome message for detailed instructions.

For instructions on contributing to HumourNet, send any message to
<contribution-guidelines@lyris.net>.

>>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors,
not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the
text wherever possible. <<<

The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP:

    Web: <http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/>
    FTP: <ftp://ftp.humournet.com/pub/HumourNet/Collage.Archives/>

Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that
1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line
containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer,
and 2) no fee is charged.

There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a
copy of them, send any message to <posting-guidelines@lyris.net>, or
refer to your Welcome message.

********************************************************************
    "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
********************************************************************
</collage131>