Collage 132               H u m o u r N e t                8 SEP 95

According to a joint press release issued today by the Vatican and
the U.S. National Weather Service ...

            "Hell has frozen over."

And that's pretty much the only reason I would put out an all-Trek
Collage. Nevertheless, these pieces are pretty good--even to those
of us who are Trek-impaired--and are well worth the read.

Thanks goes to Liz for "46 Things That Never Happen in Star Trek"
and "We Didn't Start the Series." And following up the "Top Forty-
Two Reasons Why Captain Kirk is Better Than Captain Picard" (way
back in Collage 3) and the Patrick Stewart Estrogen Brigade's "Top
One Hundred Reasons Why Captain Picard is Better Than Captain Kirk"
(Collage 4), we close Collage 132 with "54 Reasons Why Captain
Janeway is Better Than Captain Picard" (thanks are due Lorraine for
that one).

Happy Data ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
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SUBJ: 46 Things That Never Happen in Star Trek

1) The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that
it has encountered before.

2) The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists
who are all perfectly all right.

3) The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called
Paradise, where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything
is soon revealed to be exactly as it seems.

4) The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which
later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a
silly hat.

5) The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague,
for which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick bay.

6) An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface
to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten
to bring the right leads.

7) A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as
a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering
staff.

8) A power surge on the Bridge fails to electrocute the user of a
computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge
protection feature called a 'fuse.'

9) The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another
without serious incident.

10) The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien
intelligence which does not put them on trial.

11) The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.

12) The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, strange, and
dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it
on in the end.

13) The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien
intelligence, which they easily pacify with candy.

14) The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon,
which is in no way connected with the 20th century.

15) Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode or crash.

16) A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, and
some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's
satisfaction.

17) The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.

18) The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny
day

19) An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is
discovered without anyone noting that such an attempt, if
successful, "would represent a fundamental shift of power throughout
the quadrant."

20) A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck
without a single malfunction trapping him/her there.

21) Picard hears the door chime and doesn't bother to say "Come."

22) Picard doesn't answer a suggestion with "Make it so"!

23) Picard walks up to a replicator and says, "Coke on ice."

24) Counselor Troi states something other than the blindingly
obvious.

25) Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Troi's
position.

26) Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to have Kate
Pulaski show up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, "Did he read
you love poetry?! Did he serve you poisonous tea?! He's MINE!"

27) When Worf tells the bridge officers that something is entering
visual range no one says "On screen."

28) Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to
respond to one of the Enterprise's hails.

29) Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck. (Pity this wasn't
done in "Deja Vu"--then we could have seen it 5 times without
rewinding the tape).

30) Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a
smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his
own age for a change.

31) Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the Universe as we
know it, and EVERYONE is grateful (including the Net).

32) The warp engines start acting up a bit, but then seem to sort
themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy
genius Wesley Crusher.

33) Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and they work
better than ever.

34) Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without
having a hot flush and getting breathless every time Picard is in
the room.

35) Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a stand up comedy
routine.

36) Data falls in love with the replicator.

37) Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he
visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the
episode. [or even: Kirk (or Riker) meets an attractive woman and
does not fall in love. -psl]

38) The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less
advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet
Prime Directive.

39) An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives
to tell the tale.

40) Spock or Data is fired from his high-ranking position for not
being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in
three sentences that anyone says to him.

41) Kirk's hair remaining consistent for more that 1 consecutive
episode.

42) Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn't rip his shirt. (Or even,
Kirk DOESN'T get into a fistfight...)

43) Kirk doesn't end up kissing the troubled guest-female before she
doesn't sacrifice herself for him.

44) Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics

45) Spock isn't the only crew member not affected by new
weapon/attack by alien race, etc., due to his "darn green blood" or
"bizarre Vulcan physiology" and thus he cannot save the day.

46) The episode ends without Bones & Kirk laughing at Spock's
inability to understand the joke, and he doesn't raise his eybrow.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

"We Didn't Start the Series"
(Sung to the tune of "We Didn't Start the Fire," by Billy Joel)

Jean Luc,
Geordi's Specs,
Mysteries on the Holodecks

Asteroids,
Triple Droids,
Telepathic Betazoids

Transporter
Deadly Claw
Visitor from LA Law

Photons,
No Kirk,
Captain has gone berzerk

Shuttlecraft,
Counselor Troi,
Doctor Crusher's little boy

Klingon Rites,
Parasites,
New Heights,
Phasor Fights,
Data's Head,
Tasha's Dead,
Riker's Hangin' by a thread

Celebration,
Transformation,
Everyone to battle stations

We didn't start the series,
It's the Next Generation
on your favorite station

We didn't start the series,
But when we are gone it will
still be on and on and on...

We didn't start the series...

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: 54 Reasons Why Captain Janeway is Better Than Captain Picard

1. One word: hair

2. More hair than all previous Star Trek commanding officers
combined.

3. Drinks coffee, not that sissy "Earl Grey" stuff.

4. Beams down to the planet like real Captains should.

5. Mutes the doctor when the doctor gets out of line.

6. Hasn't let an adolescent pilot the Federation flagship--yet.

7. Commanded ships blown up: Picard: 2, Janeway: 0

8. Voyager needed a female Captain--one who would be willing to admit
they're lost and pull over for directions.

9. Picard likes to talk his way through. Janeway likes to punch her
way through.

10. Hasn't quoted Shakespeare--yet.

11. Looks better in sleepwear.

12. Gives guilt trips that would make a Jewish mother proud.

13. Isn't French with an English accent.

14. Smart enough to have a Vulcan officer.

15. Will give you two days off to ponder your lifeshattering
experience.

16. Janeway says, "I don't like you!" to her enemies instead of
trying to convince them to behave better.

17. Janeway has a First Officer with a tattoo.

18. She doesn't have any pesky Federation Admirals to get in her way.

19. Three words: Compression Phaser Rifles.

20. Ackowledges freely when she breaks the Prime Directive instead of
trying to weasel her way out of it with philosophical ramblings.

21. 15 episodes without surrendering the ship.

22. 15 episodes and Wesley has yet to save the ship.

23. Janeway's holo programs create useful things like doctors and
lungs. Picard's holodecks create maniacal evil geniuses who yet
again take over the ship.

24. She doesn't need to straighten her uniform every time she stands.

25. Picard: Three words: Stretch velour jhodpurs. Janeway: Three
words: Form-fitting uniform

26. Janeway has never worn green tights and frolicked about in
Sherwood Forest. However, if she did, she would look fantastic!

27. Kirk looked good in ripped shirts; Picard looked good without a
shirt; Janeway would look ... no, they can't do that on network
television

28. Doesn't force her crew to wear stupid outfits, unless it is to
blend in with a primitive planet.

29. She is smart enough not to waste time learning foreign languages.
All lifeforms in the Delta Quadrant speak perfect English.

30. Her engineer does not wear a bananna clip over her eyes.

31. Slouches in her chair even in critical life-threatening moments.

32. Doesn't have a Counselor on board (thank God!).

33. Her telepath only lives nine years.

34. Her Chief Medical Officer will never command the ship. (*whew*
"Cathexis" was a close one!)

35. Janeway heard the words "boldly go where no man (er, woman) has
gone before" and took them to the extreme.

36. Picard tells alien cultures, "I hope our two cultures will one
day come to a greater understanding. " Janeway threatens them with
"the deadliest of force. "

37. Janeway's Security Chief would never grow a ponytail.

38. The high point of Enterprise cuisine were scrambled eggs that
only Worf could stomach.

39. Janeway doesn't have to point which way to go when they set off.

40. Maintains an elaborate hairdo that would baffle even Princess
Leia.

41. Has mastered facial expression understood by all to mean, "Boy,
Paris, are YOU ever stupid. "

42. Hugs her Vulcan from time to time.

43. Has a more manly voice.

44. Doesn't have a starship that splits in half when it's in a tight
spot.

45. Has a dog and a significant other, not some damn fish!

46. Kes. Troi. No contest.

47. Nealix. Replicator. Ok, this one's debatable.

48. At least she doesn't have to yell "Hot!" at her cook every time
she wants something to drink.

49. Her ship has neat-looking folding warp nacelles.

50. Her CONN officer actually went through the Academy.

51. Her CONN officer can use contractions.

52. Her first officer has a halucinogenic device.

53. None of the crew members' relatives has ever tried to take over
the ship, invade the Federation, steal a starship, or enslave all
humankind.

54. To help her relax, Janeway's first officer helps her contact her
spirit guide. Picard's first officer helps him get ... to Risa.

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