Collage 133               H u m o u r N e t                8 SEP 95

Well, Collage 131 (you know, the one with all the bathroom humor)
was more of a hit than I ever would have expected. As you may
recall, the material was provided by Liz, who was already famous for
her similarly-popular "Field Guide to Recognizing Poopie" piece in
Collage 123. Just to show us that she doesn't *really* have a restroom
fixation, Liz provides us with two non-bodily-waste-related pieces
for this Collage: "Never Gonna Stay In Your Hotella No More" (aka
"An Italian Brain Surgeon in London" :-) and "Some Things You Don't
Want To Have To Say on a Date."

OTOH, Brett (aka "Butthead," and one of the "Fab Five" HumourNet
originals) opted to demonstrate that he *does*, in fact, have a
restroom fixation, by providing an addendum to the "Types of People
You Might Meet in the Men's Room" (Collage 131), appearing as the
first piece in this Collage.  Brett also takes the blame for the
"Tough Woman" joke.

Finally, we have a letter from "Dynamic Deity Management, Ltd." to
Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, regarding their intent to publish a
biography of Jesus's life. (Yes, the "extra s" is required there.)
This piece is a must-read--many thanks to Geoff for providing it!

Happy bytes ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Types of People You Might Meet in the Men's Room
(The Adventure Continues)

ATHLETIC TYPE: Tries to hit the urinal from across the room
STREET SURFER: Tries to bank it in off the walls
ATTORNEY: Pees in his pants, and tries to sue the guy next to him
THE GEEK: Carries his pee in a specimen cup, deposits it in the
  toilet, flushes three times

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Q: What's the definition of a "tough woman"?
A: One who jump-starts her vibrator in the morning.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

D y n a m i c   D e i t y   M a n a g e m e n t   L t d .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Date: 3 May 0023

TO:
Messrs Matthew, Mark, Luke & John (Publishers).
13a Sandy Wasteland Square,
Just Next to the Pizza Hut,
Judea

Dear Sirs,

It is Mr. Christ's understanding that you are planning to write and
publish a biography of him in the near future. Such a biography
would, he is sure you would realise, be entirely unauthorised and if
it were published in the form you suggest he would be forced to take
the matter up with the highest authority.

However he can fully understand your wish to write about his life
and will sanction such a project a number of conditions:

1. That the title of the book be 'The Holy Bible' and not as you
propose, 'Hot and Salty--Our Sexy Savior's Saucy Story.'

2. That you do not mention the name of his natural Father (Elvin
Roxenby-Toke) who, for legal reasons, contests paternity. He
suggests you utilize the 'virgin birth' scenario. Mr. Christ
realises that this is entirely ludicrous but suggests that no one
ever went bust underestimating the credibility off the average
religious zealot.

3. That all references to the incident involving the members of the
Bethlehem Boys Club, olive oil and a wooden spoon to be excised
forthwith.

4. That the death scene to be 'pepped up' as it were. The actual
circumstances that you mention are simply not dramatic enough. An
accident with a wine jar and a stray fish just does not have the
theatrical impact of say, a crucifixion with the full atmospheric
effects of a large cast.

5. That the book not to be dedicated, as it is at the moment, to
'My Dearest Wooly-Boo, With All My Love, Squiggles.'

6. That a fictional character, possibly a twelfth disciple, be
introduced to give him away to the authorities. The reality of the
case, that he was shopped by his Mother and done for indecent
exposure, should on no account be discussed.

7. And the so-called 'Parable of the Leather Undergarment' be
removed or at least modified.

As long as these guidelines are followed he can see no reason why
you should not write and publish your proposed biography although he
doesn't see it as a success himself. He informs me that he enjoyed
your previous books, especially "Murderburger Hell-High" and
"Slutslaughter--Slashin' the Winded." Your suggested biography of
him appears to be in the same vein and it is for this reason that he
must reject your offer of a profit- sharing scheme in return for his
appearing to promote the book. In any case Mr. Christ is at the
moment fully occupied with his promotion for "Shake 'n' Vac."

Yours sincerely.

Adam G Smith
pp Jesus H Christ

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Never Gonna Stay In Your Hotella No More

The Manager
Y.M.C.A. Hotel
LONDON

Roma 28 sept. 1981

Dear signore Direttore, Noew I am tella you story wot I was a-treated
at jour hotella.

I am a-comma from Roma as tourist to London and stay as a-younga
christian man at your hotella.

When I comma in my room I see there is no shit in my bed--how can I
sleep with no shit in my bed? So I calla down receptione and tella: "I
wanta shit." They tella me: "Go to toilet." I say, "No, no, I wanta shit
in my bed." They say: "You better no shit inna you bed, you
sonna-wa-bitch." What is sonna-wa-bitch?

I go down for breakfast into ristorante. I order bacon and egga and
two pissis of toast. I getta only one piss of toast. I tella waitress,
and point at toast: "I wanta piss." She tella me: "Go to toilet." I
say, "No, no, I wanta piss on my plate." She then say to me: "You
bloody wella no piss onna da plate, you sonna-wa-bitch."

This is the second person who do not even know me calla me
"sonna-wa-bitch," and why is your staff replying "Go to toilet," is
that a modern tella? I do no undestand, please tella me!

Later I go for dinner in your ristorante. Spoon and knife is laid out,
but no fock. I tella waitress: "I wanta fock." And she tella me,
"Sure, everyone wanta fock." I tella her, "No, no, you don't
understanda me, I wanta fock on the table." She tella me, "Soyou
sonna-wa-bitch wanta fock on the table? Get your ass out of here!" How
comma this christian hotella tella the guest in such bad manner?

So I go to receptione and ask for bill. I no wanta stay in this hotel
no more. When I have paid a-billa the portier say to me, "Thank
you, and piss on you." I say, "Piss on you too, you sonna-wa-bitch. I
now go back to Italy." Directore, I never gonna stay in your hotella
no more, you sonna-wa-bitch.

Sincerely
Dicci Elgra

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Some Things You Don't Want To Have To Say on a Date ...
By Pateric J Storck and Alex Gradet

1. Yes, I know how to do dishes.

2. What's your curfew?

3. Whoah, that wasn't a fart!

4. Really? Gay? You don't look it!

5. Ow.

6. On the package they sounded so tough.

7. Don't worry. I'm an AAA member.

8. Don't worry. I'm an AA member.

9. How do you get chewing gum out of pubic hair?

10. Did you bring I.D.?

11. I feel like a choirboy.

12. Wow, they really do freeze up in the headlights!

13. Lovely sweatpants!

14. Let me in!

15. Luck be a lady tonight!

16. And when will you be able to get your license?

17. Is it a serious engagement?

18. Let me get that booger for you.

19. Make it a double. Quick.

20. I'm not falling for ... oh, it IS down. Ahem.

21. The minnow would be lost...

22. So exactly what kind of fundraisers does the Church of Satan have?

23. Ah! My balls!

24. Fetch!

25. What are the suitcases for?

26. Calm down! Here's your nose. It's just a trick.

27. Six weeks late!?!

28. I didn't think people still took those kinds of vows.

29. Nice Star Trek stuff.

30. A what hair collection?

31. I didn't know implants could do that.

32. Sure, the car wash sounds great!

33. Hey, what's this do?

34. Yes, I like RuPaul. Why?

35. Hey it's not the SIZE, okay?

36. Wait a minute! MY aunt's name is Betty Foster TOO!

37. What's the white robe for?

38. It does this all the time.

39. What's wrong with the Diceman?

40. How good are you at siphoning?

41. I had no idea it was a wig.

42. Now that you mention it, you do look a little like Gary Busey.

43. Really? Nick Nolte? No, I've never heard that.

44. Ooh braces ow ow.

45. Shotgun!

46. Really? Nick Nolte? Yes, I get that all the time.

47. No, that's okay. I don't need to see another card trick.

48. Hey, vomit goes nice with the ensemble.

49. If you'll just stop crying I promise I'll bring back the sun.

50. Smile you son of a--

51. Help! Police!

52. Klaatu Verata Nikto.

53. What's your zip code?

54. No habla Engles?

55. What's that tan line on your finger?

56. This is MY ghetto!

57. That's amazing! Just pull the string and it talks!

58. A Muncie girl, can you beat that!

59. He didn't look rabid to me.

60. Lorena--what a pretty name.

61. Sure, your parents can come along.

62. Bite my wallet!

63. Hey, come back here!

64. For the third time, yes I am going to finish my steak.

65. All that off of two beers?

66. Hey Chelsea, what's with the guys in the suits?

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